Happy Birthday, Mom!

We had the kids here again today, so that Tori could take Daniel to look for more jobs. I had an appointment to keep and errands to run, so I got out of there soon after they arrived.

I got to my appointment in plenty of time. Another temp agency, where I had to fill out interminable forms, sit around waiting for one of the agents to be free to interview, and finally take some tests of my skills. It took all of about three hours.

Afterwards, I went over to Penn Square Mall to grab a bite to eat, then I head home. Tori and Daniel had returned from wherever they went, and we discussed where Mom wanted to go for her birthday dinner. We ended up going to Red Lobster when the waiting time at two other places was way too long.

While we were gone, Saon had gotten online and IM'd me, but he was no longer online when I got the message. *bummer:(

This person IM'd me wanting to talk about my writing. He wanted me to call him (he was local), but I said that I was not alone and I would not call him. Then he got abusive. He started calling me names, telling me that the "asshole" told me to block his ID. So I blocked him again, then a thrid time when he didn't get the message. Then I reported him to Yahoo for violoating the Terms of Service (TOS).

What a jerk! Does he think he's God's gift women. I looked up his profile, and he's just a kid, not much older than Daniel.

So that was my day for the last day of July. Exciting as hell, huh?

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Is it just me? Or are things just getting weird...

What'd I do? Seems that whatever I do, it isn't the right thing.

I had to go out and get copies of my resume. Since the printer here at the house is out of ink, I went to the library. As I usually do, I told Mom I was going out and would be back in a bit. Well Mom went ballistic! Apparently, she wanted to take a short nap and wanted me to wake her in an hour. When I told her I was leaving, she got all bent out of shape. After I left, I was mad. I run all her errands, do her shopping, banking, etc., and she gets mad when I want a little time to myself to run my own errands? Surely, she understands that I'm trying to find a job.

This was too much like yesterday when I was at my sister's house. I was watching the kids (again), and stayed over for dinner. She asked one of the kids to set the table, and when she didn't get any response, she lost her cool. She was ranting on about how much she does around the house, drives everyone everywhere they want to go, etc. She was actually was screaming and finally went outside to calm down. I finished fixing dinner and put Joey down for a nap. Tori didn't want to come in for dinner, because she was still upset. Dean had come home about this time, and he went to talk to Tori.

Marc had a baseball game @ 7pm, so I got everyone ready who wanted to go. I wanted to go home, so Dean took everyone to the ball game, Tori stayed home with the baby, and I went the hell home.

I was telling Saon earlier in the day, before I went to Tori's, that I didn't like being used as a free babysitter, and that I wanted to leave Oklahoma and go anywhere else. Saon wants me to come to New Orleans, but not until he got his life a little more settled.

I can't take the stress that I'm feeling by living here. I just want to get a job, save enough money to get out of here, and send money to my mother to help her out. I'm sleeping on the friggin couch, I'm doing all this stuff for my family, and if it weren't for my kids being here, I'd have never come here.

I am so miserable here. I have to make things better for myself here, just so i can have some semblance of normalcy.

Honestly, I think I need to see someone. I haven't taken Prozac in several months, and I'm getting that familiar sinking feeling again. Maybe things are getting weird.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Catching up...

Yesterday, I talked to Saon. He hasn't gotten a start date for his job, though he thinks it will be this week sometime. He was going over to his aunt's house (the one who owns the house he's staying at) for the afternoon, just to get out of that house. He's making plans to get his license back, buy a car, and find a place to live. I asked him if he could rent his aunt's house in Gretna, and Saon said "probably", but he really didn't want to, because the house is so small that "when you walk in the front door, you're already out the back door." There were so many things that he would have to do to improve that house, that it didn't seem like it would be worth it. He just plain doesn't want to live in Gretna, because it's a really rough place. "I wouldn't bring you here," he told me. "This is worse than Lawrence!"

Oh. "That bad, huh?"
"You have no idea, babe," he told me.

He told me more about his job, that it apparently pays well, and that when he gets his own place, then I could visit and decide if I want to stay. It's just not the right time for us resume our lives together, because he's still in that house. He says that I wouldn't be happy there, because not only would we not have any privacy, but he couldn't see leaving me there all day with the cousins and friends and God knows who else who hang out there.

~*~~*~*~~*~

Today, I went to Wal Mart to pick up Mom's meds and some other things. The first place I went was to the pharmacy. The pharmacy tech asked for the name, and I gave Mom's name. Then asked for her birthdate. Then, she asked if I was Jean! I felt like tell her, "do I look like I was born in nineteen twenty-friggin-nine?"

Okay, I do a lot of stuff for Mom using her debit card, but how could anyone mistake me for her, especially when I have to give her brithdate?!!

Stupid. Some people just don't think before they ask stupid questions like that.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Hmmmm

AQUA You enjoy life, humor, and being exuberant. Wherever you go you usually find yourself stealing the spotlight without even trying. You love to let go and have fun. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Aqua? Why am I not surprised...

Hmmm...very interesting...

I went to theMind Media Brain Persuasion Test, and the results were quite enlightening.

~*~~*~*~~*~

Your Brain Usage Profile

Auditory : 33%
Visual : 66%
Left : 40%
Right : 60%

Stephanie, you possess an interesting balance of hemispheric and sensory characteristics, with a slight right-brain dominance and a slight preference for visual processing.

Since neither of these is completely centered, you lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with other patterns. You have a distinct preference for creativity and intuition with seemingly sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to yourself and others.

You tend to see things in "wholes" without surrendering the ability to attend to details. You can give them sufficient notice to be able to utitlize and incorporate them as part of an overall pattern.

In the same way, while you are active and process information simultaneously, you demonstrate a capacity for sequencing as well as reflection which allows for some "inner dialogue."

All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity.

You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.

It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk "missing out" on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account.

~*~~*~*~~*~

Pretty cool...it kind of reminds me of the SAT's...LOL. Take it for yourself at www.mindmedia.com. The results just may surprise you.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

It's getting hot in herre (sic)

I got so tired of this song because it got played to death at the carnival, but I heard it the other day and it reminded me of when Saon and I met...

Hot in Herre
Nelly, from the CD Nellyville


Hot in.....
So hot in herre.....
So hot in.....

(Nelly)
I was like, good gracious ass bodacious
Flirtatcious, tryin to show faces
Lookin for the right time to shoot my steam (you know)
Lookin for the right time to flash them G's
Then um I'm leavin, please believin
Me and the rest of my heathens
Check it, got it locked at the top of the four seasons
Penthouse, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the dance floor
Give that man what he askin for
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you
And cant nobody stop the juice so baby tell me whats the use

(Hook x2)
(I said)
Its gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes

I am gettin so hot, I wanna take my clothes off

(Nelly)
Why you at the bar if you aint poppin the bottles
What good is all the fame if you aint fuckin the models
I see you drivin, sportscar, aint hittin the throttle
And I be down, and do a hundred, top down and goggles
Get off the freeway, exit 106 and parked it
Ash tray, flip gate, time to spark it
Gucci collar for dollar, got out and walked it
I spit game cuz baby I cant talk it
Warm, sweatin its hot up in this joint
VOKAL tanktop, all on at this point
Your with a winner so baby you cant loose
I got secrets cant leave Cancun
So take it off like your home alone
You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone
Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend,
like "girl I think my butt gettin big"

(Hook x2)

(Nelly hang all out)
Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Nelly just fall out)
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Nelly hang all out)
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah
(Nelly just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah

(Nelly)
Stop placin, time wastin
I gotta a friend with a fo' in the basement (What?)
I'm just kiddin like Jason (Oh)
Unless you gon' do it
Extra, extra eh, spread the news
Nelly took a trip from the Luna to Neptunes
Came back with somethin thicker than fittin in sasoons
Say she like to think about cuttin in restrooms

(Hook x4)

(Nelly hang all out)
Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Nelly just fall out)
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Nelly hang all out)
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah
(Nelly just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah

The Finals on Last Comic Standing

On Last Comic Standing, the finals were held from the Paris Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas. Jay Mohr does an intro, then explains the rules for voting for each comic. Voting by phone would be for one hour after the show ended, and voting limited to 3 calls per phone number. Each comic would have their own toll free number shown when they did their set. Voting would also be done via the internet at www.voteNBC.com. Internet voting would be open until midnight EDT on Wednesday, and would also be limited to three votes per email address. Safeguards will be in place to prevent what NBC's website calls "power voting".

Jay then introduced the first finalist:

Ralphie May: as usual, Ralphie had a strong and hilarious set, touching on such subjects as Operation Iraqi Freedom, high gas prices ("I want cheap gas, dammit!"), and rich folks who protest because they "feel guilty"; they protested cutting down trees for paper 2 years ago, and now are protesting "war for oil", holding (you guessed it!) paper signs. At the end of his set, the crowd chanted Ralphie's name.

Dat Phan: Dat did his typical set about his family, particularly his mother ("Run, Dat Phan, run!"). He touched on dating, stating that he didn't care what race the woman was. He once dated a white girl whose father was a Vietnam vet. When asked his name, Dat nervously replied, "Uh, Charlie, um, Dat Phan, geez!" He grew up in San Diego, where there are still some racist people. Two guys walk by him one day, making imitation Asian verbalizations. Dat says that he doesn't walk by white guys saying, "Cars, bikes, girls, food..."

Tess: Was Tess really a "big girl" stripper? She talked about doing lap dances and working for quarters. She did the stripping, she says, because she lost her "real" job as a plus size model. Why was she fired? Blame the big girl thong undies that didn't come with instructions. The skinny part goes in the back, girlfriend! Tess is taking applications for a husband after the show, but certain men need not apply.

Rich Vos: Getting to Vegas was a big hassle for Rich. He was asked about the toenail clippers he had in his bag. "What were you planning to do with these?" he was asked. "Take over the world," Rich replies. He goes on about the nickel slots in Vegas. What's this about nickel slot jackpots..."Jackpot! Two dollars! Who da man?!" On dating a 23 year old: "When she falls asleep, I steal her clothes for my daughters." He talks about his angelic-looking, but bratty ten year old daughter. She says to a rather large muscle bound man, "something wrong with your eyes?" The man looks over to Rich, who says, pointing to his girl, "she said it, not me!"

Cory Kahaney: Cory's big mouth gets her into tons of trouble. She overheard these two guys talking about whether women have better orgasms being on top or the bottom. Not being able to stand it anymore, Cory turns around and tells them, "actually, it's better when we're alone!" She has issues with low cut pants, and that she feels that she is the only woman left in America who wears panties. She's recently remarried, so now she has a husband and a teenage daughter, "and I have to buy two kinds of cereal." Her daughter likes hip hop and rap, and Cory rather likes the Eminem song "Cleaning Out My Closet", and tells her daughter that "if Slim Shady can clean his room, so can you!"


Next week, the 2 hour finale. Then we'll finally know who is the Last Comic Standing

MorelaterZ--

"Well, as long as you're not working, Stef..."

WARNING: Rant ahead--

Once again, we had the younger kids here today, while Tori took Daniel out to look for a job. I'm trying to get out and look for work myself, and I have to stop so I can watch my own sons and my niece and nephew (just as a point of refernece, when I separated from my ex, I gave custody of my sons to my mom and my sister. I haven't been able to support myself in the five years since, so I haven't been able to regain custody. Now my oldest sons are nearly adults themselves).

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, because my mom can't watch all those kids without help. And because of that, I can't get out and look for a job for myself. How am I ever going to get on my feet if I can't get a job?

I think that this is why moving to New Orleans to be with Saon is so appealing. As much as I want to be here with my kids, I feel like I'm just being used as a free babysitting service by my sister. I did not move here from New England for that purpose, I came here to get back on my feet and possibly regain custody of my two youngest sons.

I just don't think that this is possible while living here. While I was out today job hunting, Mom calls me on my cell and tells me that Tori is dropping the kids off at the house, and could I come home? So I come home, and I spend the rest of the day until shortly before I started writing this post watching the kids. Then Scott had a baseball game, so everyone went to that while Mom and I watched Joey, Amalia and Marc. Then Scott had a scout meeting, so that delayed everything even futher. At least my sister had the decency to call and tell us.

What if I had other plans tonight? What if I had started a job today? Could my mom have watched the kids alone?

I have certain goals I want to reach, but I am having a difficult time reaching them because I can't find work (I even applied at a local ice cream store, and the manager who interviewed me told me I was over-qualified). I can't get Unemployment here because I've never held a job in Oklahoma. Social Security is taking their sweet time about my Disability claim.

I just don't know what to do. My life is more screwed up now than it was in December when I came here. I swear, if Saon asked me tomorrow to move to N.O. to live with him, I'm not so sure I would say no. I can't be in two places at once. If I stay here, I'll feel trapped. If I go to N.O., I'll be accused of being selfish, of putting my needs ahead of my kids' needs.

I am so damned confused I can't think straight.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Legendary Entertainer Bob Hope Dead at 100

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Legendary entertainer Bob Hope (news) has died at age 100, a family spokesman said on Monday.

Hope died of pneumonia on Sunday night at 9:28 p.m. with his family at his side, spokesman Ward Grant said.

Hope, who was born in England, was the ultimate comedian, a master of timing who turned the one-liner into an art form and became a national institution.

His career, which included stints as an amateur boxer, minstrel in black face and dancer, spanned seven decades in which he starred in five mediums: vaudeville, radio, stage, movies and television.

Virtually running his own joke factory by employing almost 100 writers, Hope was able to draw on a collection of hundreds of thousands of jokes that specialized in sexual double entendres, gags about his ski-nose and lines that paid homage to his decided lack of humility and willingness to con anyone.

With his trademark ski-slope nose, Hope was one of the first super stars and one of the 20th century's greatest comedians. He also pioneered with Bing Crosby of one of Hollywood's most enduring genres -- the buddy movie.

Crosby and Hope became one of the screen's great couples in a succession of "Road" movies beginning with 1939's "Road to Singapore," which was originally a serious drama called "The Road to Mandalay" that was turned into a comedy first for George Burns and Gracie Allen and then for Jack Oakie and Fred MacMurray, all of whom turned it down.

During the Vietnam War Hope was criticized for being a "hawk" who supported the conflict. But he said he was really a middle-of-the-road supporter who wanted the war to end and even tried twice to visit Hanoi and arrange prisoner releases.

He was born Leslie Townes Hope in Eltham, Kent, England, the fifth of seven sons of a stonemason. His father moved his family to Cleveland, Ohio, when Hope was 3 to work on a church there.

~*~~*~*~~*~

This is so sad. He was one of the great ones. He just turned 100 this past May 29th. My son Scott shares the same birthday (though he has no idea who Bob Hope is, being he's only 12).

Thanks for the memory, Bob. May you rest in peace.

Miracle drug?

I got some information off the internet today (um, yesterday now) about a new drug to help those suffering from Rhuematoid Arthritis (RA), such as Yours Truly, that is an injectable that needs to be taken like every two weeks. According to the website humira.com, there are some users who report that their RA symptoms were better after the first or second use.

I was diagnosed with RA last July, at the same time I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (FMS). I have not seen a rhuematologist since November, 2002, so I've been self medicating when I need it with everything from Tylenol and Aleve, to Naprosyn (the prescription strength version of Aleve), to Celebrex that my brother in law, who's a doctor, gave me samples of in March. I haven't had the money, or insurance to go see a doctor, and the need based clinic here in town is not able to refer me to a specialist (or so they told me).

I can't get any help from the state of Oklahoma unless I am on Disability, and that process is so frustrating, that I am seriously thinking of going to the Unemployment office tomorrow (later today), just to see if they can help me. I've been out of work (save for the carnival, which doesn't count because I was paid cash for the work I did there), for a year. Finding jobs here is nearly impossible, the temp jobs are a joke (I apparently am only offered those jobs no one else wants), and what little money I do get, is spent before I even get a check in my hot little hands.

I can't believe I'm having this much trouble finding a decent job. With all the experience I have, I can't believe someone hasn't offered me a job.

And why am I ranting about jobs when I started out talking about a new treatment for RA? Benefits. The only way I will be able to get any medical care is to have a job with benefits. If and when I go to Louisiana to be with Saon, I'll be damned if I'm going to let him support me. I've always been able to take care of myself at least. I swore that when I got divorced, that I wouldn't rely on another man financially. Sharing expenses is one thing, but letting someone else pay for everything and having to ask that someone for money...I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to make my own money even if it leaves me in great pain. I owe too many people too much fuckin money to have someone else take care of me.

I'll pay my own bills, thank you.

Gotta jump...into bed...MorelaterZ--

The last Sunday in July...

Is the day more important, or is it the date that is?

On the last Sunday of July last year, I met a most amazing man. It was in Bangor, Maine, about 6pm EDT, that I first set eyes on the man who currently rocks my world.

There's been a lot that's happened in that year, and I truly believe it's a test of our feelings for one another. Will we stand the test of time? If the last year has been any indication, I'd say yes. But, no one knows what tomorrow brings. We have to live it one day at a time.

That's the way it has to be, because to hurry thru life without stopping to enjoy the view is a waste.

One year. I'm still amazed by how much has happened not only in my relationship with Saon, but in my life in general.

I gotta get to New Orleans...somehow.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

More things that suck...

1) Not being with Saon because of a lack of funds, both on my part and his.
2) My ex. He's a doofus.
3) The feature on my mother's phone line that makes the caller announce who they are, then wait for someone to pick up the line and accept the call. It's great for screening telemarketers and dunning calls, but for personal calls, it sucks.
4) The lock on my oldest son's bedroom door, even though he's no longer living here.
5) Most reality shows. The ones I've mentioned in this blog are not included in this group.
6) My ex having my cats and letting them run around outside. They're inside cats.
7) Not having any minutes on my cell phone.
8) Finding out that the bank closed my account because I hadn't made any deposits in 90 days.
9) Joey spitting up on not one, but two t-shirts. I love my nephew to death, but spitty babies are not my cup of tea. (I've already gone thru this 4 times before...)
10) Back spasms. Get me Vicodin STAT!!

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Another boring Saturday in OK and LA

We had Joey over here this morning from 7am to about 2pm, while everyone else went to Marc's camp to take a tour and pick him up. Joey is teething and was pretty miserable. He spit up on me twice, and I am now wearing my third t-shirt of the day.

Daniel has moved over to Tori and Dean's until he finds a job. He could have avoided all this and just got up every day and looked for a job, instead of stay up all night, doing God knows what, and sleeping all day. It still pisses me off that he had to get a lock for his bedroom door. Dean said it was because Daniel has all his stuff in there and needs to protect his "space". Meanwhile, I have no such "space". I have the upstairs, but I have no privacy here. I need to get a job that pays half way decently so I can move out and have my own "space". I'm not used to sharing with a whole houseful of people. The only person recently that I've shared a living space with is Saon, and I'd do that again in a heartbeat.

I spoke to Saon this afternoon. Someone at the house he's staying at answered the phone, and I asked to speak with Saon. Before he even got a chanice to say hello to me, they all start bitching and moaning about getting long distance calls. Saon told them that it was me who called there, so why should they care whether it's long distance? If it were collect, the operator would come on and ask if they would accept the charges. And I don't call anybody collect if they don't want me to.

Anyway, Saon is bored beyond belief, there is really nothing to do there, and it's raining (send that rain our way, baby....we're in a drought). Scooby, the housemate who got the big settlement from a car accident, has been spending his money foolishly on "weed, weed, and more weed," as Saon says. Hell, if it were me with 13 grand, I'd be payin' off bills, getting BabyDoll fixed up, and getting my own place!!

I want to see Saon so bad, but I'm going to wait until he gets his stuff together and gets a car and a place to live.

Everyone is out except me and Mom, so it's going to be a quiet evening. I'm gonna jump...MorelaterZ--

the friday five

Well, I decided to succumb to the friday five craze...LOL

For the week of 25 July, 2003--


1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?
Coloring Outside the Lines: the True Story of The Rebel Redhead

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?
(eek!) Rest in Pieces --Saliva; Love Me When I'm Gone --Three Doors Down; Hot In Herre--Nelly; When God-fearing Women Get the Blues --Martina McBride; I'll Be --Edwin McCain; Fall Into Me --Emerson Drive; and many more

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?
Live action...because my life isn't a cartoon

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?
I have no idea right now who would play anyone...still casting the roles.

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer
Standing on a deserted beach, the main character (me) is contemplating her life and the choices that she's made. Cut to a carnival where our heroine is working to make a little cash to tide her over until the winter. With her man at her side, she works towards achieving her goals, but not without conflict. She marches to a different beat, and no one seems to understand her. She triumphs over adversity and gains the respect of those who have long doubted her. (yeah, I know, boring as hell...)

What Disney heroine are you?

You're Ariel! You're the headstrong little mermaid
with the golden voice. You hate being confined
and most likely the more people push the more
reckless you get. You know how to have fun and
you do, no matter what anyone says to dissuade
you. You would do anything for love (even lose
your voice, not to mention your tail) but youre
always there to help out your friends and save
your family from evil sea witches.


What Disney heroine are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh joy! Maybe Jon should see this quiz, as much as he loves The Little Mermaid.

Or not.

"What sign of affection are you?"

hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Man, I miss Saon right now

Things that suck...

I'm feeling a little angst this evening (see previous post)...

Things that suck

1) Dating. At least I don't have to do that anymore.
2) Looking for a job when there are no jobs to be had. Unemployment office, here I come.
3) Stupid people. They talk and talk, and talk...and don't say anything important or makes any sense, i.e. politicians
4) Jim Carrey movies. Just can't stand the man! I hated him as far back as "In Living Color". (if you are thinking about sending me a nasty note, see disclaimer in sidebar
(<------over there and down a bit)
5) Writer's block. I just need some inspiration.
6) No a/c in my car. Got $300 so they can retrofit an 89 Chevy Beretta? Didn't think so. I don't either.
7) No privacy. Not being able to have a conversation on the phone with anyone without the whole house listening in is a drag.
8) Online job boards. Amazing results my ass!
9) Being apart from my honey. I'd be in New Orleans in a heartbeat if I only had the dinero, don'tcha know.
10) Pushing 40. I don't wanna be 40! LOL

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Boredom in two (count'em!) states...

I called Saon tonight to find out how the physical and urinalysis went today. He said the physical went fine, but he won't find out about the "piss test" until Monday at the latest. He's kinda worried about that part because when he got to Louisiana 2 weeks ago, he had a couple of hits of weed, and that can show up in drug tests, or so I'm told. I would imagine that after 2 weeks it would have gotten out of his system. At least, I hope so. Saon really needs this job.

When I originally posted this, I somehow got some shit about Rick Santorum mixed in, and I did NOT write it. If this is someone's idea a bad joke, I don't find it the least bit funny.

Now, thanks to some joker, I lost the rest of my post. I don't know who you are, but please get you and your politics out of my blog. Santorum is an asshole, and so are you.

peace out-- MorelaterZ

OMG! I got a new fave show!

I just watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on NBC, but it airs Tuesdays on Bravo at 10pm ET. I saw the previews for this, but forgot when it was on, so when I saw that an abbreviated version was being shown on NBC tonight, I just had to tune in.

It's kinda like "Design on a Dime" (HGTV) meets "Extreme Makeover" (NBC) meets "Queer as Folk" (HBO?). These five gay men, who specialize in a different aspect of the makeover, are funny as hell, and really know how to make everything over, from their "victim's" appearance to where he lives.

Regardless of your feelings about the gay lifestyle, this is a fun show to watch.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

They put the "dys" in "dysfunctional"

I can't help but make this comment in audio-observation of Saon's family. I would love to be a fly on the wall when the talk in Saon's cousin's house gets intense.

"Fuck you" (and its derivatives) seem to be the prevalent phrase used in conversation. And it's (God forgive me for even typing this) "niggah" this and "niggah" that, about everything...and these are white folks! Is this just a southern thing?

And Saon threw this slang phrase at me last night that I had never heard, even in the three years I lived in "da hood" in Lawrence. It was a rather crude reference to male genitalia. I said something like, "Oh for God's sake, Saon," when he told me what it meant after I questioned what it was. He just laughed that crazy laugh of his, then he apologized. I think the question was asked of me because Saon's cousin was in the same room. His cousin also wanted to know about me, in terms of breast size. When Saon told him my oldest child was 19, his response was, "how old is she?" Saon, to his credit, said nothing, but once he was off the phone, I'm sure he told his cousin my age and everything else about me.

I can't judge a man by his family, not in this case anyway, because I met Saon first. I liked his niece, Jamie, who lives in Picayune, but even she is a little rough around the edges. I guess, if I move to New Orleans, I'll meet some of these people, then I'll have a better idea of what I am dealing with.

For now, I just can't believe that members of Saon's family would want to see one of their own out in the streets to fend for himself. Would they do that to any member of the family, or is it reserved for Saon for some twisted reason? I mean, the same blood runs thru his veins as it does theirs. Blood may be thicker than water, but I guess it depends on whose blood we're talking about.

They are all related to the main man, Saon's grandfather, after whom Saon was named.

Just what kind of man was "grandpere", anyway?

I hope to find that out someday soon.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Okay, I'm desperate now...

I went to the mall today and filled out job applications. Is this what one has to do to get a job in this town?

I found a job listing today for the IRS...it's in New Orleans, but what the hell...I applied for it, but that doesn't mean that I'll get it. I've heard rumors that the IRS audits their employees for life, so one better be telling the truth when they file those 1040's.

It would be nice to have a job there if I'm going to be with Saon there. He's pretty much decided that he's staying in New Orleans, and that if I want to be with him (and yes, I do...) that's where I gotta go.

He has to get a physical and a drug test tomorrow (um, later today) for his job at the marina. And he is thisclose to getting his license back, he just has to pay off roughly $300 in fines, and he says he can do that with one paycheck from this job.

He's looking at apartments close to the job, because it's a long trip on a bicycle from where he is now. Saon has his eye on either a truck (manual transmission) or a car (automatic transmission).

Looks like he's really getting his life back on track. Now I gotta do the same.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Six minutes? I gotta get there!

I was noodling around on the internet last night when the phone rang, knocking me offline (I need DSL!). Everyone had gone to bed, so I ran down the stairs to answer the phone, but by the time I got there, it stopped ringing. Then, my cell phone, which was upstairs, started ringing. I ran back upstairs and answered the phone, and it was Saon. "Where are you?" he asked.

"At home."

"I just called the house phone and no one answered."

I told him just what I typed above, and he said, "Oh, okay."

He had good news: he got a job at Belle Chasse Marine, doing general maintenance work and other duties that he didn't get into. It's one of those 12 hour shifts, 6am-6pm.

Saon's getting a lot of pressure from his cousin to move out, and actually told Saon that if he didn't have a job by 5pm yesterday afternoon, to get the hell out. Well, Saon got the job, now his cousin says he needs to save his money and get his own place.

Saon wants his own place, and can't wait to get the funds needed to get an apartment. He wants me to move in with him. I want to go. I've been looking for a job in the New Orleans area thru several online job posting boards, but I'm not having much luck so far.

Our phone call lasted a whole six minutes. I gotta get to New Orleans. I don't care if my family thinks I'm being selfish. Apparently, New Orleans is where the best job opportunities are. When I do searches for jobs on the job boards, more jobs come up in New Orleans than in Oklahoma City. Go figure.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

And then there were five...

Tonight on Last Comic Standing...

The six remaining comics were heading to Las Vegas for the finals. Or so they thought. Jay Mohr told them that one of them would be eliminated before the finals.

Cory had her appearance on the Carson Daly show. The show airs tonight (check local listings).

There was another vote, and Geoff got the most votes, which he relished, because he was ready to take someone on. The only hitch was, unlike the previous challenges, Geoff would not be picking the person he would be going head to head with. Instead, the four comics that have already been eliminated: Dave, Rob, Tere and Sean would be making that decision. Each of them had something to say to the house, then they retired to vote.

When they returned, the house awaited their decision. Who would Geoff be going up against? It was decided that that person would be...Dat.

Tess, Ralphie, Cory and Rich were definitely going to Las Vegas. Who would join them, Dat or Geoff?

It was a tough decision, at least as far as the comics were concerned. Both Geoff and Dat had strong sets, but the ultimate winner, and the fifth person to go to the finals was...

Dat.

Stay tuned...the finals are next week. Who will be the Last Comic Standing?

This really pisses me off

Daniel feels it necessary to put a lock on his bedroom door, when he isn't even going to be living here. He says that it's to keep Jeff out of his room when he's gone, but he's keeping me out, too.

It pisses me off that for seven months, I've been sleeping on the couch upstairs, and that I have virtually no privacy, but I can't use a soon to be unoccupied bedroom.

It pisses me off that my own child doesn't trust me not to go thru his stuff. Like I give a rat's ass about his stuff. I just wanted to use the bedroom, so I can have some privacy, and sleep on a real bed.

Just once, I would like to have a private conversation on the phone without the whole house being able to hear every word, or to have to go into my mother's bedroom for privacy.

When I get some money together, I am going to move out. I have no life here.

MorelaterZ when I calm down some...I'm too pissed off to jump...

This is so true...LOL

Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous
Good Charlotte from the CD The Young and the Hopeless


I see it on T.V.
Read in a magazines
Celebrities that want sympathy
All they do is piss and moan
Inside the Rolling Stone
Talkin' about how hard life can be

I'd like to see them spend a week
Livin' life out on the street
I don't think they would survive
If they could spend a day or two
Walking in someone else's shoes
I think they'd stumble and they fall
(they would fall, fall)

Chorus:

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous
They're always complainin'
Always complainin'
If money is such a problem
Well they got mansions
Think we should rob them

Well did you know when you were famous you could kill your wife
And there's no such thing as 25 to life
As long as you've got the cash, to pay for Cochran
And did you know if you were caught and you were smokin' crack
McDonalds wouldn't even wanna take you back
You could always just run for mayor of D.C.

I'd like to see them spend a week
Livin' life out on the street
I don't think they would survive
If they could spend a day or two
Walking in someone else's shoes
I think they'd stumble and they fall
They would fall

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous
They're always complainin'
Always complainin'
If money is such a problem
Well they got mansions
Think we should rob them (rob them)
(They would fall, they would fall)

Chorus 1/2:
Lifestyles of the rich and the famous
They're always complainin'
Always complainin'
If money is such a problem
You got so many problems
Think I could solve them

Lifestyles of the rich and famous
We'll take your clothes, cash, cars, and homes just stop complainin'
Lifestyles of the rich and famous
Lifestyles of the rich and famous
Lifestyles of the rich and famous

If this keeps up...

My Weatherpixie will be starkers! It's showing 106 and she's wearing a bathing suit! What's next?

This weather is getting ridiculous!

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

Which X-men character are you?

I'm Storm! Woohoo!


Storm


Which X-Man are You?
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It's just too damned hot!

It's supposed to reach 106 today. According to Weatherpixie, it's 104; to Weathercast, it's 105; and the thermometer outside in the backyard, in the shade, it's 103. Turn it off already! It's raining in New Orleans today!

Saon did call me back last night, about twenty minutes after I made the previous post. He was talking to me, then he was talking to the various relatives at the house where he's staying. We finally did get to talk to each other some. He keeps talking about coming up here, but he really couldn't stay here at the house. He does have this opportunity with the offshore deal, so I told him to look into that, because we don't have anything like that in Oklahoma. He's already looking for apartments, and found one in Marrero with 2 bedrooms, cable hook ups, and it's $500 a month.

If he gets the offshore job, then I may consider going there for a while to see if things between us will really work out. I do want a life with him, but I want to be here with my boys, too, especially since it's Jeff's Senior year. Maybe if finances permit, I can be in both places, as in spend two or three months in Louisiana, then two or three months in OKC. Then again, that just may be wishful thinking on my part. We'll just have to see how things work out.

So, I better get my ass out there tomorrow and really pound the pavement and get a job. I need the bucks for bills and Mardi Gras...

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--

I feel very blah...

High temps, no food, and a huge headache is not a good sign.

In 1996, I had sun poisoning, and I felt like I do now. Since that time, I have been very careful to wear a hat outdoors, use sunscreen, and make sure I ate on hot days when I know I'm going to be outside. I didn't do that today, and I'm paying for it now. I don't know if I have sun poisoning or not, but the way I feel now reminds me of it.

If I'm still feeling like this in a couple of days, then I'll know for sure.

~*~~*~*~~*~

Saon and I are playing phone tag. He called me while Dean, Tori, Scott and Joey came over (Marc is still at camp and Amalia is in Enid at her grandparents), and I couldn't really talk then. Saon said, "I guess I'll talk to you later," in a rather abrupt voice, like he took it personally. I called him back after everyone left, and he couldn't talk. "I'll call you back in ten minutes," he says. When he didn't call back, I called him again, and this time his cousin answered and told me that Saon was out and would be back within the hour.

I'm not expecting to hear from him tonight. Oh, well...he'll call again.

I hope.

Gots ta jump...MorelaterZ--

What the hell good did it do to wear a hat???

Jeff and I are back from the band's car wash. My face is sunburned. I wore a hat. Did no good.

There seemed to be more than enough people there to do a great job washing all the cars that came by the Ace Hardware store on the corner of Danforth and Kelly. Jeff had to be prodded to get into the mix, but once he did, he washed cars for most of the two hours we were there. I helped a bunch of kids dry the cars that had just been washed and rinsed. After an hour, I didn't feel so good. I went to sit down, but despite there being two awnings to provide shade, it was still way too hot.

I met some more of the parents, to most of whom I was introduced as "Jeff K's mother". I had to tell them my first name, and the fact that my last name is NOT the same as Jeff's anymore.

There was pizza ordered, and after Jeff and I ate, we left. When I got into the car and looked at myself in the mirror, I was shocked to see that my face was as red as a lobster! The one time I don't have sunscreen, I get burnt.

Figures.

I am really sleepy now, though, and I think I will get off the puter and take a nap. Or not.

Gotta jump...morelaterZ--

Looks like someone was looking for someplace specific

Daniel was looking for the Costa Mesa High School website last night. In seeing his attempts to find it, he was waaaay off (click the link above for website).

This is the high school that both Jon(1978) and I(1982) graduated from, and that Daniel attended for his freshman and sophomore years. Several years ago, they combined with the middle school, so grades 7 and 8 are also CMHS students, and Jeff falls into this category. Jeff is now a senior (!) at North.

Jeff and I are going to volunteer at the band's car wash today (Jeff somewhat reluctantly). But, it's also going to be 104 today, so I wonder just how long we're going to be out there. I'm only planning to stay and hour or two.

Enough of this link-laden post. I gotta jump...

MorelaterZ--

This actually happened and I still don't believe it!

Saon called.

He's in Louisiana, staying with a cousin. When he called, Daniel answered the phone and then told me, "Mom, it's Saon and he says it's important!"

The first thing he asked me was, "are you still available?"

"Yes," I said.

From that point, Saon explained what really happened that night he allegedly broke up with me. The conversation on Mess-up-enger was all that woman's doing. She's the one who bragged on her prowess in bed, the one who said all the awful things to me while pretending to be Saon...all because she was pissed off that Saon and I were intimately involved. She wanted him to herself, and he didn't want her.

That explains the radical changes in the tones of the conversations before and after that night.

He says he still loves me, that he misses me, and that he wants us to give a life together another chance.

I told him how crushed I was that night, and he told me that he was very angry with (the bitch) when he found out what she had done. He knew my feelings were very hurt, but was impressed that I took it so well and didn't go off on him. "You have class, something that (the bitch) could never match," he said in so many words.

He also said that he's still going to divorce Michele, but is going to wait for a bit while he gets the money together to get an apartment, a car, a job, and back on his feet.

He's going to see about a job on an offshore boat on Monday. This would be a job that would be two weeks out, one week back, and the pay would be above average for the field. I really hope he gets it, because he is good at that kind of work.

My mind is still reeling. Do I believe him? My heart wants to, but my head wants proof of his love for me. I think the fact that he called me is proof enough.

And to think it happened all on my father's birthday.

Gotta jump...Morelaterz--

The weather....*sigh*

According to one of several indicators I have online, it is 104 in the OKC metro, as of two minutes ago.

Good thing I'm not outside today. I would be as useful as a wet sponge.

I have a job interview on Monday with another temp agency, who, as it turns out, is in the same building as American Express Financial Advisors. No problem, at least I know where it is now. They tell me to come in between 8am and 4pm, bring a hardcopy of my resume, two forms of ID, and be prepared to stay for at least 2-3 hours.

The two forms of ID are going to be dicey, as all my ID is still in my married name. I do have my birth certificate, so maybe that will suffice. If worse comes to worse, I'll hypenate the two names (although I hate doing that because my married name is so damned lengthy). I figure that as long as they have my SSN right, I'll still get credit for any income earned under my preferred name.

I have nothing more to say at this point, so I'm gonna jump....

MorelaterZ--

Happy Birthday, Dad

I love you and miss you very much.

Love, Stefie

How old is too old to drive?

You've probably heard about the terrible accident in Santa Monica, California yesterday, involving an elderly man who drove into a crowded Farmers Market and killed ten people. The gentleman, who is 86 years old, told police that he hit the gas instead of the brake, but who also has a recent history of accidents, including his own garage!

So, how old is too old to drive? I say it depends on the person. If you're eighty, for example, and you're still healthy, alert and feel comfortable behind the wheel, then you should be allowed to continue driving. Another eighty year old may not be as safe behind the wheel. I think that if it were me, then it would be my decision whether to continue driving when I'm in my 70's or 80's (granted that I am blessed to live that long, of course).

My father, who would have been 88 years old tomorrow, stopped driving on his own when he became ill in 1997. He died in 1999.

The gentleman involved in yesterday's tragedy, in my opinion, should not have been behind the wheel. He hit his own friggin garage, for God's sake. He should have surrendered his license ( or had it taken away from him) when that happened. Maybe ten innocent people would still be alive.

I don't think there should be a law saying, for example, that one must stop driving at 75. There should definitely be some safeguards in place to determine whether a person is still fit to drive at any given age over a previously agreed upon minimum. My mother doesn't drive much anymore, but she shouldn't have to surrender her license on her next birthday or anything. Just have her go into the Dept of Public Safety (aka DMV in most other states, RMV in MA and NH) and take a vision test and a behind the wheel test. I have no idea what Oklahoma's policy on elderly drivers is; I do know that Mom's license is due for renewal in 2004.

Any thoughts from the reading public? Leave me a message using the link at the end of this post, or email me.

Gotta jump...morelaterz--

Last Quizilla thing...I swear. Back to real posts in a sec

You're the Ford Mustang. Nothing spells high class
like a 'Stang!


What Cool Car are you?
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Of course I'm a Mustang...Mustangs and I were born the same year.

No surprise here

Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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My horoscope sign is Aquarius...so this is not a big surprise. I love the beach...and man, do I miss the beach!

MorelaterZ--

I must say this surprises me (and it takes a lot to surprise me)

Juliet


Which woman of Shakespeare are you?
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I really need to move the car...

But not until I finish this.

Joey was here again today. He is such a good baby. He is teething now, and so he wasn't at his best today, but he was smiling and laughing and cooing. He saves his fussiness for his mother, I guess.

God, my life is so boring! I need to do something to spice up my life. But what? It's not like when I was in Mass. and there wasn't anyone around that I could embarrass but me, but here...*sigh*. My mother, my kids, my sister...I feel like I have to be better than good, and that frustrates me. I just want to be me. I'm not so stupid that I can't control myself when it comes to certain things. As long as I live in my mother's house, there are things that I cannot do. I'm used to coming and going as I please, but now, I have to tell my mom where I'm going and when I expect to be back. This is worse than living at home when I was a teenager. I'm nearly 40 years old for cryin out loud!

Ewww..."nearly 40"...don't even wanna go there. I certainly don't feel like I'm that old. Thirty wasn't so bad. Forty is going to be rough.

MorelaterZ--

Job hunting sucks!

I've been actively looking for work for nearly three months now, and I have found next to nothing. Oh yeah, I found a temp agency, but they have nothing for me!

I've spead my resume all over the net, it seems. I've gotten a few calls, a few emails, a few "work at home" offers that sound dubious at best, I've gone on several interviews, but so far, it's been "don't call us, we'll call you."

Maybe I should go back to the carnival. It's hard, physical work, and the pay is lousy, but at least, it's a job! But, do I really and truly want to do that? Who should I contact for a carnival job. Through my research for the book, I know there are literally hundreds of carnivals in the US. If I'm working for a carnival, then that would make my research easier.

I should talk to Saon about that, but I don't know how to contact him. I wouldn't even know where to begin to look for him. I guess I could start with that carnival that was in Paducah, KY, that he worked for one Sunday back in late June.

I just don't know. I'm desperate to get a job, but I don't want to appear desperate.

The Unemployment office looks like my next stop, but I don't want to have to resort to that, either.

Brother, can you spare a job?

MorelaterZ--

Dat beat out Dave????

I simply can't believe that!

On Last Comic Standing, everyone ganged up on Dat.

The house went out on a photo scavenger hunt, and Cory won immunity by finding and photographing the most things on her list. Rich came back with nada, and Ralphie got one picture just by standing in one spot! Because she won, Cory got an appearance on the Carson Daly show.

Dat was determined to stay in the house, and his strategy was to not let the others get under his skin. Apparently, that worked for him in the face of everyone voting against him. He picked Dave (the guy from Minnesota), to go into the faceoff with him. They were, just like the others before them (except for the first one with Sean and Rich), civilized. Personally, I thought Dave was funnier, but the audience chose Dat with 70% of the vote. That floored everyone in the house. Ralphie blasted the rest of the "coaliltion" for "making Dat a man", or something like that.

Next week, one more person is going to get booted, and the remaining five will go on to the finals.

Stay tooned--

MorelaterZ---

Where's an ocean when I need one?

The heat here is oppressive! Tomorrow it's going to be 105!!

So this is how my family is going to get back at me...make me swelter thru an Oklahoma summer! I need a beach, preferably with an ocean attached, asap! The Texas gulf coast is looking rather inviting, especially since there is a hurricane on its way to that very spot.

The heat has affected my mind...

Rain would be nice right about now...it's after midnight and it's still in the 80's.

Forget rain, how about a snowstorm-- that oughta cool things off quite a bit. But, then I would be in the hospital with pneumonia due to the sudden temperature change.

~*~~*~*~~*~

Don't ask me why, but I've had these crazee thoughts about going back to Picayune on my own. I rather liked the 4 days I spent there almost 2 months ago, even though the person I went to see there is no longer there, or, apparently, in my life.

That makes me sad.

Morelaterz--

I'm obsessing about the weather...God help me!

Baltimore, MD 67...80 F
Boston, MA 65...76 F
Costa Mesa, CA 65...85 F
Hampton, VA 70...81 F
Lawrence, MA 63...81 F
New Orleans, LA 74...89 F
Norfolk, VA 68...80 F
Oklahoma City, OK 74...101 F WTF????
Virginia Beach, VA 70...81 F


I could live with the 81 degrees in Lawrence today. Or the 76 in Boston.

Turn the heat off already, geez!!

Morelaterz--

It's supposed to be 103 today???

*groan*

Snippet of Linkin Park lyric (Easier to Run)

If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

(I think Saon would really like Linkin Park...it has the rap he loves so much...)

This is how I see myself right now. But what is done is done, so even if I could take it all back, there'd be no way. Once it's said or done, you can't take it back. You can be sorry for it, but it's already been done.

I'm not sorry for the things that I've done. I've regretted some of the things I've done, but I'm not sorry I did them. There is a reason for everything we do in this life. We might not know why we do certain things at the time they are done, but there is a reason behind everything.

Why did I go to Picayune, for example? I went to see Saon, to see if we could finally still have a life together. For a time, it looked like we could, but then he went to Illinois, and that went all to hell.

In thinking about the conversations he and I had until that night he broke up with me, and I am convinced that he did it for only one reason: because the bitch was standing right there. She stood over him as he typed and pretty much told him what to say. Because when she wasn't around, he and I still got along. When he said things like, "hurry up, she's home," tells me that she was trying to get her hooks into him, and he finally figured out that she wanted to isolate him from not just me, but I believe everyone he was close to: especially Michele (his soon to be ex wife)

I just hope that the sex was worth all the pain she caused in his life. All she wanted was a young guy to screw around with to validate her attractiveness. I don't believe that she was all that attractive, and certainly not all that young.

If he and I were still meant to be, then it will be.

Everything happens for a reason. Now that I know that, then getting on with it is easier. Not much, but a little.

It is easier to run, but to stay and fight for what you want and what you believe is worth it in the end.

End Rant and philosophizing (<---is that a word????)

Morelaterz--

Naaah, I'm not gonna do it

Not gonna compare 27 year old Saon to my 43 year old ex husband. Just that Saon is more mature.

Damn, I did it...[note to self: then don't put it in your blog you ninnie!]

Morelaterz-- [really]

If you would just shut the fuck up for five seconds...

I swear, I think my ex, Jon, loves the sound of his own voice. He doesn't listen to anything anyone but him says. Just look at the following example:

Stef: Is Jeff there?
Jon: blah blah blah about what he's doing
Stef: Jon, is Jeff there?
Jon: blah blah blah about someone at karaoke that I don't know but Jon thinks I should
Stef: JON, IS JC THERE?
Jon: Uh, um, no...haven't seen him.

See what I mean? I had to ask him three times if Jeff (my buddy JC) was at karaoke. This doesn't sound like a guy whose grandmother just died!

It's all about Jon. Always has been, always will be. Dude, you're 43 years old-- grow the fuck up will ya?

End Rant.

Morelaterz--

You can turn off the 100 degree temps now, k?

Damn it's been so hot here! It's getting ridiculous. We could really use some rain, just enough to cool things down a bit.

Scott and Marc are going to camp today, so Dean and Tori took them to Golden Corral for dinner. Mom didn't want to go, and I don't think they invited me, so we stayed home and I got sanwiches from Arby's. I took the time to write some things in regards to the book.

I heard from a guy yesterday who answered my questionnaire about carnival experiences. He gave me some really good answers and I made sure to thank him for his participation.

I heard from Whizbang again yesterday, and he is really gung ho about us getting together. He even gave me his address! I don't think I'm going to do it for several reasons, the main one being that I don't know him at all, expect for conversations we've had on Mess-up-enger. What kind of man is he? Am I setting myself up for something I can't get out of? My impression of him is that he is a very lonely man.

If he'd agree to meet me in a public place, instead of his house, then I might consider meeting him for a drink. But nothing more than that.

I really miss Saon. I am worried about him. I hope that he's okay and that barracuda hasn't done something to him because he contacted me against her wishes. I wonder if she's got a dubious past? Without her last name I can't look anything up. I wouldn't be surprised if she does have a somewhat tarnished reputation, but how would I find that out?

Please, Lord, let Saon be okay and not in trouble.

Morelaterz--

You have been warned...LOL

What rating is your journal?
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(Damn there goes NukeNabber again. Someone must really hate me!)

Morelaterz--

Uh oh...

"Whizbang" is back.

I'll talk to him, but if he gets into the sex thing again, the conversation is over. I may be a rebel, but not a rebel without a clue.

Morelaterz--

KFC Crispy? Not a good idea...

Originial all the way baby! LOL

Tori and Dean brought the kids over tonight, along with dinner from KFC. They were going to go do something, and they were taking Daniel along with them. So, it was me and Mom to look after the younger kids (Jeff just gets goofier than usual when Amalia and Joey are around.)

Several weeks ago, Dean told Daniel that if he didn't find a job in 30 days, then he would have to move in with him and Tori and the kids until he got a job. He hasn't really been looking all that hard for work, thinking, maybe that his artistic talent will get him thru life (to see some of Daniel's art, click here).

Well, Dean and Tori gave Daniel a little more time, and since he didn't live up to his end of the deal, he will be moving in with them this weekend. I guess I will get Daniel's room so I won't have to sleep on the couch upstairs anymore. The computer will still be up here, though. I wonder if Mom will let me move it into Daniel's room as long as he isn't going to be here.

I hope that without Daniel being here, the money situation will improve. I'm going to check into some more jobs next week, because the temp place I'm with hasn't been able to hook me up with a job in the two weeks I've been calling in every morning at 7:30 am. I need to get a job and fast. Everyone is breathing down my neck for money.

Morelaterz--

I just realized this--

That July 28th is going to be a hard day for me, especially if I haven't heard from Saon by then.

July 28, 2002 is the day we met. Almost a year.

Wow.

I miss you, Saon.


Morelaterz--

I'm not ready to jump into another relationship

I was chatting with this guy on Yahoo! Mess-up-enger this afternoon who lives not far from me in Edmond. It was just pleasant banter, and tentative plans to get together for drinks, then he said he wanted a "lover close by" and went on and on about getting together for some "afternoon delight"...

I started to back off after that. I realized what he wanted and I am not ready to have a meaningless sexual relationship with him or anyone else. Being apart from Saon, and facing the possibility that I may never be "Tank's Grrl" ever again...well I'm not ready for another relationship.

Why don't men realize that, instead of trying to get me into their beds.

I'm keeping myself off the market for right now. I can't risk having my heart broken again. This last time was too much for me.

He got much closer to my heart that I thought he did.

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One More Day

~ Diamond Rio ~
~One More Day ~

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you!

One more day, one more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you
One more day...

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million "I Love You's"
That's what I'd do with one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for

One More Day With You


I miss you SBC. I wish for a lifetime of one more days with you.

Happy Birthday, Saon

I miss you!

--Stef

Why didn't he call me when he found out?

I talked to Jon this evening and he told me that his grandmother passed away on Sunday. She was 13 days shy of her 101st birthday. I asked why didn't he call me when he found out, and he said, "I don't know".

Then he lamented that he couldn't go to her funeral because he doesn't have the funds to do so.

~*~~*~*~~*~

Before this day is thru, I wanted to mention that today would have been Saon's mother's birthday. I hope Doris is watching over her son tonight. I know she's probably on his mind.

When I was in Picayune with him, Saon mentioned that he wanted to have his mother's death reclassified as a homicide, because he honestly believes that his father shot her (possibly at her urging). He told me a story about his aunt (his mother's sister) confonting his father after his mother died and told him that if he did kill her sister, then he would be dead within a year.

Four days shy of a year, Jack died of a heart attack. Saon found him on the kitchen floor in middle of the night.

"What was your aunt, a voodoo priestess?" I asked him. He said he didn't know, but I found it strange that what his aunt predicted actually came true. Maybe Jack's heart attack was because of guilt? We'll never know, will we?

Or, will we?

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Oh, well...

I went to AmEx today and took the suitability test. And I found out that I am not suitable enough at the moment.

*whew!*

I considered, after I got lost, just not going at all, but I did. I actually got there on time. But I really didn't want another financial job, so I am not disappointed by the latest turn of events.

I just want a job. I'm considering applying to places in the area just to have part time work. What I really want is for Social Security to make up their minds about my disability claim.

I am in a considerable amount of pain today. I was doing so well since I returned from Picayune that this is a definite setback. Maybe it was just sleeping in a real bed for 4 days, or just being with Saon for those 4 days, that I went into a remission of sorts. This really sucks!

Tomorrow is Saon's birthday, and you know, I really wanted to spend it with him. However, I have no idea where he is. Is he still in Illinois, did he go back to Louisiana? I just hope he's okay and that he has a good birthday.

I just thought of something: when he was still in Minnesota, he was planning on spending today, tomorrow and Friday drinking. That was before all this shit happened.

God, please let Saon be okay, and please let him call me and tell me so.

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Ole what's his name was voted out...

Rob...the guy on Last Comic Standing whose name I could never remember, got voted out of the house tonight.

Dat won immunity by pitching the best sitcom idea, which really screwed up the strategy of the others in the house who really wanted to see him get booted. It was Ralphie's birthday, and the house (led by Cory) had sushi prepared, and invited his girlfriend over to surprise him. And was he surprised! She surprised everyone by being this thin, pretty girl. Rich commented that obese Ralphie has a "10" for a girlfriend, and he (Rich) is in reasonably good shape and has trouble getting "4's" to call him back.

When the voting started, everyone ganged up on Rob, who got 5 votes (Dat's didn't count because of his immunity status). He chose Ralphie to go head to head in the faceoff. That choice earned Rob a lot of respect from the rest of the house, including Ralphie himself. Like Tere and Cory's faceoff last week, Rob and Ralphie were very civilized. Ultimately, Ralphie won out with the stronger set, and Rob was sent home.

God, I love this show!!!

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Four hours for an oil change?

I took the van in for an oil change, diagnostic, and a tune up...and it took four freakin' hours!! I dropped it off at a little after 8am, and when I came back three hours later, it still hadn't been looked at. So I sat around for another hour while they worked on it. It was done around noon, and everything that we had been concerned about had been cleared up. So, $91 of mom's money later, I drove home.

On the way home, someone from American Express Financial Advisors called me on my cell and told me she saw my resume on HotJobs and wants me to come in for a "suitability test". This would be a job like the job at Putnam that I got let go from last summer. I don't really want to go back into the financial field, because I have to study for those damned licensing exams again, and I don't think I am suited to the financial field. I pretty much hated the two years I was at Putnam, but maybe AmEx will be different. I'll take the suitability test, but I'm pretty leery about the industry because the market sucks right now.

Do I really need the stress?

Got an email from JC. He is really hyped about his art exhibit this month. He says that his music is going nowhere right now, but the art just exploded with oppotunities! He's going to concentrate on that for the time being.

I miss JC. He's such a special person, and if he wasn't with someone now, I would love to have a chance with him. But, we're great friends and we don't want to mess that up. I just wish I could be there to see his greatest triumph. I really wanted to go to Massachusetts to visit sometime during the summer, but it's probably not going to happen.

Saon's birthday is Thursday, and I wish I could talk to him. I just want to know he is okay. I know he's an adult and he can take care of himself, but I just want to know that he's not in jail or dead or homeless.

Despite everything, I still care for him very much.

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Don died on July 3rd

I just did a search for newspapers in the area where Saon is/was, and I found the obit for Don. He died on July 3rd at 5:50pm. I knew it was the right one because among the survivors was Laurie (his wife) and one son and 3 daughters. No mention of the psycho bitch though. I was thinking she was a relative of his (maybe she's a relative of Laurie's). The age was right also. Saon had told me that Don was 43 years old.

Those kids have a long road ahead of them. Saon's been down that road twice before age 10. I hope he really does go back to Louisiana. He has some issues in his life to work out in order to be truly happy.

He's not happy now. Maybe he had a little happiness when he was with me, or at least that is what I hope is so. I hope he finds peace.

I want another chance. I know together we can make it. I'm willing to work at it. Is he?

Saon, I wish you'd contact me. I have something to say.

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And...

I still feel like something the cat dragged in.

Bleah!

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(ps: Scoobydoo_226, where are you?)

Attention! May I have your attention please....

I feel like shit today.

That is all.

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This is nuts!

My mother is convinced she's going to lose her house, because she can't make the house payment without help. Yes, she is concerned with money, and rightly so, but does she have to get so melodramatic about it? Now I know where I get it from! Sheesh!

Of course, this does not inspire Daniel to go out and look for work. He says he is looking, but he's not trying hard enough to follow up with the places he's applied at. He honestly thinks that his drawing talent will get him thru somehow.

I should tell him this: my friend JC has been waiting his whole life for a big break as far as his art is concerned. He's 39 years old, and he has a freakin degree in fine arts for cryin out loud, but he's never had a major showing of his work...until now. Now until August 1st, he has 20 pieces of his art at a restaurant/art gallery called the Thirsty Whale in Newburyport, Massachusetts. He is excited beyond words about this and I can't say I blame him. I would be too if it were me. I wish I could get to Newburyport before August 1st and see this for myself. I am so thrilled for him!

If you want to see some of his work, visit his website. He designed all the websites you'll see there.

~*~~*~*~~*~

And, I try not to badmouth my ex in the presence of my kids, but sometimes, Jon does things that are so dumb, that I can't help but wonder what he has for grey matter. This is a man who says he can't pay child support because 75% of his pay goes to his landlord for back rent, but he can afford to get cable tv and cable internet service. At 20 bucks a month!! Has he absolutely lost his mind??? You'd think his kids are a little more important than cable internet service! But, noooooo...but then this is Jon we're talkin about here, the man who cares more about himself than anyone else, including his kids!

He just burns me up!

~*~~*~*~~*~

I gotta get out of this house. I love my mother dearly, but she is driving me crazy! I've been living in her house for almost 7 months, and I really need my own place and my own space! I have no privacy here at all. I need to get some money saved and find a decent place to move what little stuff I have.

I swear, mi vida loca!

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Fourth of July, part 2: barbeque, homemade ice cream, and awesome fireworks!

We went back to Tori and Dean's around 5pm. Dean was grilling hamburgers, I was watching Joey inside because it was too hot outside for him, and everyone else was out in the backyard playing bocce ball.

We had barbequed hamburgers with all the fixins and homemade chocolate ice cream for dessert. Amalia must have spilled her soda 3 or 4 times! And Joey was giggling up a storm at Daniel making a total fool of himself!

We headed out to UCO around 8pm and found a great place to park, then found a great place to set up our chairs. Tori was worried that the loud fireworks would upset Joey, but he loved them!

The fireworks themselves were absolutely fantastic! By far they are the best I've ever seen, and that includes my trip to the Naval Academy three years ago. And we had a great vantage point on the UCO campus in which to watch them. I was very impressed.

But, I did miss my friends in Massachusetts watching them on Salisbury beach.

~*~~*~*~~*~

I hope Saon is okay. I hope he was able to get the money to get a bus to Louisiana. I wish he'd contact me somehow if he did. Despite everything that's happened between us, he is still my friend and I miss him.

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LibertyFest parade in Edmond

The parade was very nice. There were lots of floats, horses, old cars (Daniel fell in love with a 71 Impala SS 454...typical!), and lots and lots of kids in the parade. Surprisingly, there were only three marching bands- one from each of the high schools in Edmond: North, Memorial and Santa Fe.

Dean came over and picked us up at 8am. Scott had to be on one end of the UCO campus, and Jeff on the other...at the same time! Once we got everyone where they needed to be, Dean, Amalia, Marc, Daniel and I went to go find a place to sit. [Stef's comment: sitting on the grass is almost as bad as sitting on a Greyhound bus for 22 hours...oh my achin' ass!]

We ended up sitting at the "arse end" (as Daniel called it) of the parade route, so when North's band finally came by, they all looked exhaused, with the exception of the director, who was probably hopped up on caffeine. And Jeff was on the other side of the street from where we were sitting. Long before that, Scott came by with the Boy Scouts holding different kinds of flags (I never did figure out which flag Scott was holding, and didn't think to ask him after he joined us).

Jeff finally was cut loose from the band at the end of the parade and he came to join us, trumpet in hand (the case was in Dean's Yukon), and he was tired! He just wanted to go home.

We're going over to Tori and Dean's later for a barbeque, then head back to UCO for the fireworks (more sitting on my achin' ass...oohhhh!)

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In case you wondered why I renamed my blog "Mi Vida Loca"

Mi Vida Loca-- Pam Tillis

If you´re coming with me
you need nerves of steel.
´Cause I take corners on two wheels.
It’s an never-ending circus ride.
Then faint of heart need not apply.

Mi vida loca over and over.
Destiny turns on a dime.
I go where the wind blows
you can’t tame a wild rose.
Welcome to my crazy life.

Sweetheart before this night is through
I could fall in love with you.
Come dancing on the edge with me
let my passion set you free.

Mi vida loca over and over.
Destiny turns on a dime.
I go where the wind blows
you can’t tame a wild rose.
Welcome to my crazy life.

Here in the firelight I see your tattoo.
Mi vida loca, so you´re crazy too.

Mi vida loca over and over.
Destiny turns on a dime.
I go where the wind blows
you can’t tame a wild rose.
Welcome to my crazy life.

We’ll go where the wind blows
and I’ll be a wild rose.
Welcome to my crazy life.

Band Booster meeting at the high school

Actually, this meeting wasn't so bad. The parents are nice folks...it's just the director who so stuck on himself and his directing abilities that really get me. I got a lot of great information about the band program, schedules, rehearsal times.

The band is going to march in tomorrow's 4th of July parade, and he has to be at the UCO parking lot at 8:15 am. And, it turns out, that Scott's Boy Scout troop is marching in the parade tomorrow as well and has to be there at 8:15 also.

Still nothing from Saon, since he told me on Tuesday he'd talk to me later that evening. I hope things are okay there, and that he got the money for bus fare to New Orleans. I hope the psycho bitch didn't do something to get him in trouble or something else I don't want to consider.

To that end, I've taken some precautions to protect myself. If this woman is as controlling as Saon says she is, then I fear he is in danger. And, because he's spoken to me after she asked him not to, then I may be in jeopardy as well. She knows my last name and that I live in Oklahoma!

I wish I knew her last name.

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I'm going to have a nervous breakdown

Mom and Daniel are arguing about getting the van looked at. It needs a tune up. Mom called Daniel to make some phone calls, Daniel didn't hear her, and she took that as him ignoring her. She got all bent out of shape and took it out on Daniel. He, meanwhile, has no fucking idea why his grandmother is pissed at him.

We're short of money again, and Mom is crabbing about the boys getting jobs, but I know she is really talking about me. I've called the temp agency every day this week and they haven't had anything for me. So I can't very well contribute to the finances of this household now, can I?

I know Mom is worried about money. When Dad was still alive, he did all the financial stuff and Mom didn't have to worry about it much. Now she is on a fixed income, trying to make it stretch to support 4 people, and she gets frustrated easily.

Daniel really should get his ass out and look for a job. Even Saon asks him if he's found work yet (Saon, IMHO, should worry about Saon and let Daniel worry about himself.). Jeff needs to concentrate on school activities, and if his grades and his extra-curricular activites allow it, get a part time after school job somewhere.

But I'm getting frustrated at all the tension happening around here, and it's driving me crazy!!!

So I am going to have a nice, sane nervous breakdown...right here.

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The current mood of The Rebel Redhead is...

cautious

My personal mood:

you got a lot of convincing to do to let me let you back into my life. I'm not going to let you break my heart again.

[He's been warned]

Only 182 more days left in the year

Two Army recruiters came over to the house today to see Jeff. In listening to the conversation, it sounds like the Army has the most going for it, and that Jeff could probably get a lot out of the Army. But, Jeff is only 17, so he still has some time to make a decision.

Saon didn't get online last night, and I couldn't stay up past midnight, so whenever he gets online again, I'll talk to him. We have a lot to talk about, mostly about respect.

I think I'll take a nap.

more laterz--

And I wonder...

if she was watching the exchange between Saon and me from the previous post...

In other (non-Saon related) news:

Jeff has an Army recruiter coming to the house tomorrow afternoon to talk to him about all the great things the Army can do for Jeff's future. Hell, the Navy and the Marines didn't even bother with that! This will be interesting. More about that tomorrow.

They voted Tere out of the house on Last Comic Standing. I think Tess and Ralphie are going to be the ones to beat. I can't stand Rich, Dave is funny in a midwestern US kinda way (he's from MN). Dat's getting negative vibes, and the the jury's still out on Cory, Geoff, and that other guy whose name I can never remember (I guess he didn't impress me much).

Tere and Cory were much more civilized in their face off than Sean (who was voted out last week) and Dave were.

Can you believe it? A reality show I actually like!

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An explanation of sorts...damned if I know what it means for me and him

Stef: how are things today? tell me more about why you're thinking about going to louisiana.
Saon: i am calling churches today to try and get the money to go to louisiana cause shes too fucking protective and too much of a controling bitch
Stef: wow! I figured that she was telling you not to talk to me
Saon: she was pretty ticked i cant be online long cause don is in bad shape still
Stef: is that why you went to the hospital, because he went back
Saon: i think i am gonna go get this job on the boat save money and leave or just leave when i get the money for a ticket
Saon: yes
Stef: so you got the job on the boat?
Saon: i should have left with the carnival like i started to
Saon: not yet
Saon: only place i been since i been here is walmart a couple times and sixflags
Saon: if i knew how she was then i wouldnt have came out here trust me
Stef: she just wanted a young stud in the sack, i suspect
Saon: oh her husband and herself are split up and he got remarried she called mo and told the police where he was
Saon: now hes lookin at 25 to life
Stef: no wonder he left her
Saon: then when they send him here he is looking at life her for supposeably molesting her grandkids
Saon: she said she told him to leave
[Stef's comment: yeah, right-- and I'm the tooth fairy]
Stef: they have to prove it first
Saon: i am trying to leave before she wants me to
Saon: yeah well they have her saying shit and the one child said to a tee what he did
[Stef's comment: kids can be coached, and I wouldn't put it past the woman to do just that to make someone else look bad]
Stef: if she wants you to leave have her give you the money for the bus fare
Saon: i think honestly she put words into it
Saon: she said fuck that she paid for me to get here
Stef: sadly, a lot of women try to get back at former spouses by using the molestation excuse
Saon: i am gonna go to a church to get help if worse comes to worse
Saon: if they will help me that is?
Stef: i wish i could help you with a little cash, but I need what little I have
Saon: i know
Saon: i only need 59 dollars
Saon: and wait a week
Saon: she wants to talk to me tonight
Stef: oh great
Saon: i dont wanna talk i am just gonna say uh huh okay whatever and go bout my business
Stef: then tell her you're done with her and that when you get the money you're gone
Saon: so she can kick me out and then where do i live on the streets?
Saon: not me
Saon: when i get the ticket i will till then i aint sayin shit or the money
Stef: it was just a thought, geez
Saon: i am just a little pissed off right now
Stef: at me?
Saon: i should know better than to do this shit without haveing the money to get back home
Saon: no not at you
Stef: okay
Saon: i cant stay online long incase laurie trys to call
Stef: okay, i understand.
Saon: i will get online tonight i hope ok?
Saon: talk to you then ok
Stef: okay
Stef: see yaz
Saon: see ya :X
Stef: :X

So, what does this mean? I have no idea. Saon made a big mistake, but should I give him another chance? I've decided that if Saon does want a life with me, and is serious about it, then he will have to prove it to me...starting with a blood test to rule out STD's and HIV. I sure as hell don't want to be paying for Saon's mistake for the rest of my life. I know nothing about that woman...she could be a major-league ho for all I know. God only knows how many men she's slept with.

I am glad Saon saw this woman for what she really is. She's controlling, vindictive, overbearing...no wonder her husband left her! I just hope she doesn't pull this shit with Saon after he leaves, because then she'll have a fight on her hands.

Saon and I definitely need to have a long talk, in person if possible, about all this, especially if he has any ideas about having a relationship with me after this. He is going to have to regain my trust, because until he went to Illinois, he had never lied to me about our relationship.

I still love him, I still want a life with him. The ball is in his court now.

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