Monday, June 30, 2003


It's only 10:45 pm?

It seems so much later than that. Maybe because I slept for two hours before dinner...I don't know.

Jeff had marching band practice tomorrow afternoon from 6-8pm. Same time Thursday. At 7pm Thursday, while my Senior (class of '04) son is marching his little heart out, there is a Band Parents meeting in the band room.

I truly hate these things. I don't get on too well with the band director. I hate the way he says my name: Msssss I'm an impostor parent because my kid's name is not the same as mine. When I got divorced, the last thing I wanted to keep was my ex's last name. I wanted to be me (whoever that pathetic girl was who married said ex in the first place) again.

Okay, so this is a rant.
Now I forgot what I was going to say. Damn!

Oh, about being me. There are those who don't like me being me. My sister is one of them. As far as she is concerned, I can't do, say, dress, talk, drive, think, anything right. It surprises me that she lets me watch her kids occasionally. But, of course, her kids love their Auntie Stefie...maybe because I'm not like their mom.

(My grand idea about new HTML tags designating a rant didn't wash, because once I published this, they up and disappeared. Then I put quotes around them, and all that showed up were the quotation marks! That sucks! Since they are not real HTML tags why read them as nothing? I swear HTML is so hard to understand. Oh, look...another rant!)

More laterz--

Well, it looks like I got a job...

I went to the interview at the temp agency this afternoon, and was given materials about the company, some time cards, and instructions to call each day, or every couple of days to say I am available.

This is a start. Maybe this will lead to something permanent. After 1000 hours I will have benefits.

More laterz--

Sunday, June 29, 2003

OMG! Check this out!

Saon: i guess you can say that i am thinking bout going to louisiana soon but first i am going to see bout this job on the boats
Saon: going to the hospital in a few minutes
Stef: okay
Stef: she going with you to LA?
Saon: fuck no!
Saon: if i dont get this job i am gonna go in a few weeks i hope. only 59 dollars to go one way
Saon: i gotta go she's out of the shower
Stef: sounds like a plan
Stef: k laterz
Saon: bye for now

I knew he wasn't a fool! He saw her for what she really is.

But, I don't know the whole story. What really happened?

Question is...should I take him back? If I do take him back, do I ask him to be with me and me only?

If he wants a future with me, he has to earn it.

More laterz--

Well, isn't THIS interesting...

Got an offline from Saon. It said, in part: "I guess I can't talk to you now. (the g/f) got mad the last time I talked to you."

Very interesting...i thought she didn't have a "problem" with me, but apparently, she does.

If I weren't such a threat to her, then she wouldn't have gotten mad at Saon for talking to me. Sounds like she has some serious jealousy issues to deal with.

I never told Saon he couldn't talk to Michele, for example. I didn't like it at times, but I never stopped him from doing so.

The g/f is jealous of me. She feels threatened by me. Saon isn't the type of person who takes kindly on being told what to do and who not to talk to. She wants him all to herself, and if Saon falls for that bullshit, then he's a fool.

Then perhaps he'll know how I felt when he dumped me.

And I don't suffer fools gladly.

More laterz--

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Soul of the Sea

from the CD Dreamboat Annie (1976)

Today you turned around to my heart's call
This tiny life ain't been strangled after all
Time, time, time, time
Never ask what's become of us
Just dedicate your sorrow
Here and now
To the soul of the sea
And me

Rushin' to me
You turned around to my song's call
You dreamer in the sand
Just lie there laughing til the fall
Kindest lover
I can't stay alone tonight
Bring me all your love
Here and now
Come rushin' to me

Wake up late
Without a smile
Telephone rings
You run like a child
On the street
Into the day
The people I meet
Have nothing to say

No smile
No sorrow
No laughter
No tomorrow
They talk hen to hen
They talk about their men
And practice all the tricks for them
Too soon nightime's coming on
Deep in the darkness feeling alone

No rain
No seed
No dreams
No silence
Far away today
Mama ocean hold me to you
Rock me on your waves
And tell me...
Is it all true?

Time, time, time, time
Never ask what's become of us
Dedicate your sorrow
Here and now
To the soul the sea and me

Mourning the imminent passing of a man I do not know...

it is with his family that Saon is staying with. Don was brought home from the hospital this week. When I expressed hope that Don's health had improved, Saon said no, he's still dying. So, essentially, Don came home to die.

This man I do not know has four children under the age of ten, the youngest being only a month or so older than my nephew Joey. They are losing ther father at such a young age, and the youngest children (2 year old girl and 5 month old boy) will have no real memories of their father.

Saon was brought to Illinois, to the home of this family, for a reason...and that reason has nothing to do with a 50 year old woman who screws around with men young enough to be her son. The reason is that Saon needs to see a parallel between what these children will be going thru, and his own situation of losing both his parents at about the same age as the oldest child.

So Don is the catalyst. His death will leave a huge void in the lives of his children, as the deaths of Saon's parents left a huge void in his own life, which at 27 years of age, he hasn't fully dealt with. All of the troubles that Saon has experienced in his life all goes back to that afternoon his mother allegedly took her own life 19 years ago. That is a heavy burden for an 8 year old boy to bear, and that 8 year old boy is still scared. He will have to deal with it, or it will lead him to an early grave.

I don't want to see that happen. I care for Saon, as a friend and as someone who has seen that scared 8 year old boy he keeps locked inside his soul.

It's time to deal, Saon.

More laterz--

Love's the Only House

Martina McBride--
from the 1999 CD Emotion

I was standing in the grocery store line
The one they marked express
When this woman came though with about 25 things
And I said don't you know that more is less
She said this world is moving so fast
I just get more behind everyday
And every mornin' when I make my coffee
I can't believe my life's turned out this way
All I could say was

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

He was walking by the other day and I said
Hey you been?
Yeah, I got me a little girl now and she's 4 years old
And she's got her daddy's little grin
You only wanted what you can't have
And baby you can't have me now
I gave my heart to another
Yeah I'm a mother
And he's a father and we're a family and we got each other
And I found out the hard way that

Repeat Chorus

You drive three miles from all this prosperity
Down across the river and you see a ghetto there
An' We got children walking around with guns
And they got knives and drugs and pain to spare
And here I am in my clean, white shirt,
With a little money in my pocket and a nice warm home
And we got teenagers walking around in a culture of darkness
Living together alone...all I could say is

Repeat Chorus

And I can't explain it, and I can't understand
But I'll come down and get my hands dirty and together we'll make a stand

Somewhere 'cross the parking lot, some bands playin' out of tune
City streets are gonna burn if we don't do something soon
Senorita can't quit crying, baby's due now any day
Don Juan left, got sick of one there to show him the way
She came down to the grocery store and
She said I, I wanna buy a little carton of milk, but I don't have any money
I said Hey I'll cover you honey, cause the pain's gotta go somewhere
Yeah the pains gotta go someplace...
So come on down to my house
Don't ya know that

Repeat Chorus

Friday, June 27, 2003

Writing letters, taking calls, doing research, and getting a great idea for a 2nd book!

and that's it...

More laterz--

naaaah, just kidding! Here's what really happened today:

I was awakened by a phone call on my cell. It was a woman who was with the one carnival I could not contact via the web. She had received my phone message from a couple of days ago and wanted to know what my book was going to be about. I told her it was contemporary ficition about a 30-something divorcee' who joined the carnival. She was really enthusiastic about it, and told me that she would help me in any way she could.

I wrote a complaint letter to the collection company who has been harassing me for a month. They are now calling every fucking day wanting money that I have told them on numerous occasions that I do not have. I am also forwarding copies of this same letter to the Better Business Bureau and to the utility company in Massachusetts who turned my account over to them. I threatened legal action. Hopefully, that will get them off my back for a while.

Yesterday, I received the articles I had requested from a newspaper out of state, and the general knowledge I have from the story sounds like, with some research, it could be another book!

Later, I'm going to try an experiment with an audio file and see if I can post it to my blog (and my diary on This oughta be interesting.

Now, really...more laterZ--

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Hmmm, interesting

I talked to Saon briefly. I had a question about what I should name his character in the book. I suggested using his real nickname, since I knew of several people with that same nickname. He said no, that would be a dead giveaway.

Before I could ask my question, however, Saon says, "hurry up (the g/f) is home".

This one sentence speaks volumes!! Is it possible that she gave Saon an ultimatum: you can't talk to Stephanie anymore?


More laterz--

Oh right!

Like Bill O'Reilly rides the NYC subway! LOL...

He's a limo guy all the way!

I'm really pissed off...

but I have to keep my anger in check.

I'm not going to vent here, because I have another way to do that. I just have this to say about that: I have been disrespected by someone I deeply care for. He did it for the benefit of someone else. That pisses me off more than the news he's seeing her. She may be a nice person, but she brings out the worst in him. If he has been with her since arriving in Illinois, then why did his behavior towards me change so drastically when she was allegedly present?

I want Saon to be happy, but I think his new g/f is using him. I just have a gut feeling about this. "THE PlAYER" (one of Saon's homemade tattoos) is about to get played.

I hope I am wrong this time.

More laterz--

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

I got this running thru my head...

Rest In Pieces
--Saliva, from the CD Back Into Your System
Lyrics and Music by Nikki Sixx (!) and James Michael

Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
You look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled
before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
(And let me rest in pieces, pieces)

Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
You got much much closer than I
thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
(And let me rest in pieces, pieces)

Would you find it in your heart
Would you let me rest in pieces
(repeat 4X)


I never dreamed that this song would ever apply to me. I would have never guessed it was co written by Nikki Sixx! Where has he been, eh?

Let me rest in pieces...

When one door closes, another opens...

First: I have this to say about Saon...if he couldn't see that I was (possibly) the only person who truly cared for him without judgement, then it is his loss. I just hope and pray that he is happy. That is all I ever wanted for him. He has a lot of issues in his life, that pre-date our relationship, that he needs to address in order for him to be truly happy. I've seen the scared little boy in him too many times, and he needs to come to terms with what I believe is clinical depression. Of course, I am not a doctor, but I've seen in him some of the same things that prompted me to get help for my depression back in 1998.

Saon, if you happen upon this diary, please know that I have your best interests at heart. Please know that I do truly care for you. I'm sorry you felt otherwise.

Second: I did recieve a reply from JC. As I expected, his kind words were just what I needed. He seems to know me better than I know me. Is this the reason he was brought into my life, and why we still stay in contact?

He had some great news! He has a 6 week showing at a gallery in Newburyport, MA of his art. The owner of the gallery was so impressed with JC's work that the owner bumped three other artists in order to get JC's art to the public as soon as humanly possible.

I wish I could be there to see his lifelong dreams realized. I am so thrilled for him!

Third: I have an interview with the temp agency on June 30th. I also got an email from a man who had seen my resume online and wants to schedule an interview with me!

Maybe the bad is evened out by the good...I hope so.

More laterz--

Getting on with it...

but it's so hard.

I went out to a temp agency on Broadway near 33rd and applied to get temp jobs thru them. I have an interview on Monday, June 30 at 2:30pm.

I still have this knot in my stomach since last night's revelations. I slept badly, and my FMS symptoms were acting up. The stress I've been under the last several weeks doesn't help, and this just adds to it.

I wrote JC a rather whiny email about my bad luck in finding that special someone. He hasn't replied yet. He has always come thru for me with a comforting word before, and I hope he'll be able to help me this time. He is busy, so I don't expect an answer right away.

I have to keep up a positive attitude. I can't let this get me down. If Saon and I were meant to be, then it will happen. The new woman is ten years older than I am, so I suspect that she won't be able to help Saon achieve his goal of becoming a father before he turns 30. And, I certainly hope that he is honest with her about his past.

Meanwhile, my period is late, but it could be stress.

If it's not, and what that signifies is actually so, and it's not early menopause, then I'm going to have a real problem.

More laterz-

I'm not "Tank's Grrl" anymore

Saon and I spoke this evening. He has found someone in Iliinois. He told me that we will always be friends, but he can't see us as a couple any more.

I should have seen this coming. A lot of what he said contradicts what he has been telling me all week. The new woman was watching all this unfold as we were IM-ing, and I think a lot of what he said was said for her benefit.

He got mad at me because he swears that he told me her name (he didn't). He also denied saying that he told me that he had a "chance to date a blonde...but I chose not to" (probably because she was standing right there watching him type). Still, I am glad he was honest with me about her.

There is a lot of turmoil there right now, and Saon just may need someone who is more available than I am, being in Oklahoma and all. I don't believe any of the stuff about how great she (allegedly) is in the sack.

I may as well just pack it in and chalk it up to experience. I hurt so much right now. I love him so deeply and so completely, and I cannot imagine that he doesn't feel the same anymore. We were supposed to have a life together dammit! Why does all this other shit have to get in the way?

I want him to be happy and if he is happy with her, then so be it. Why didn't he tell me this before now, like when he first Im'd me last week? Why did he lead me to believe that he still loved me? Until tonight, I had no idea he had changed his mind.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I deserve a little happiness? I thought I found it with Saon.

Why does it have to hurt so damn much?

More laterz---(maybe)

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Hide the children...bolt the out for breaking glass...

O'Reilly's talking about nudists again!

I'm not sure I'd embrace that lifestyle either. I suppose it's great for those who enjoy that lifestyle, but it's not (definitely not!) for everyone.

I'm sure I'll catch hell for that view...and the fact that I listen to O'Reilly's Radio Factor.

More laterz--

Okay, there he he's gone again

The guys at the carnival Saon worked at were jerks, he spent a good part of the day at the hospital with his friend and he's looking at a job (possibly) with Harrah's casino...then in the middle of the conversation, he up and disappears! Things there in Metropolis (it's a real town in southern Illinois on the border with Kentucky) aren't too good, I'm gathering.

More laterz--

Monday, June 23, 2003

Southpaw Scott hits a wicked line drive down the 3rd base line...!

(I have no idea what happened to the originial post...hmmmm)

The kids that Scott's team play against don't know how to handle a left handed batter. It was a rather lopsided game, Scott's team winning 10-0.

I didn't get to talk to Saon last night, so I guess the carnival job he got went well. Or, on a more somber note, perhaps his friend's health took a turn for the worse. I have no way other than online to contact Saon, so if something did happen along that front, I would have no idea. I just hope all is well with him, and the family he is staying with, and that Saon will call me soon.

It was extremely hot here today, but what else is new? This is Oklahoma in the summertime, after all...

More laterz--

Saturday, June 21, 2003

More talks with my baby...

He sounded much better today. Apparently, there were forces at work to bring Saon to Illinois. The friend he is staying with has terminal cancer, and was taken to the hospital at three this morning. The friend and his wife have 4 children, 3 girls (ages 2, 7, and 9) and a 4 month old son. Saon has been watching the girls, and the baby went with his mother to the hospital.

He also got a carnival job (surprise...NOT!) that starts tomorrow. And, a car, too!! Things are looking up. He just needed a little faith. I would like to think that the email I sent him last night helped some.

From our convo this afternoon:

Saon: i got myself a job starting tomorrow morning
Stef: yeah? great...doing what?
Saon: working a carnival
Saon: and i have a car
Stef: why am i not surprised?
Saon: lol
Stef: a car too? awesome
Saon: thats who i am
Saon: a 91 or 92 tempo
Stef: what carnival? maybe i have it on my list for my book
Saon: i cant remember i will let you know tomorrow night
Stef: are you going to travel or is this a one time deal?
Saon: around the area
Saon: unless they offere some good money
Stef: around Illinois?
Saon: yea
Saon :and kentucky
Stef:well i hope they pay better than fiesta paid you
Saon: i think i am gonna work concessions
Saon: like games
Stef: you are good at that...i wish i could tag along
Saon: lol
Saon: not this time i need to be all bout business
Saon: i gotta have my head straight to make money
Stef: and i mess up your head?
Saon: no but i think bout u all the time when ur out there with me
Stef: awww, Saon...that was sweet of you to say
Saon: i went to the fair here in town made 30 dollars in 5 minutes for some kid working a machine gun joint
Saon: he did give me shit
Stef: well, keep that up and you'll have enough money to do whatever you want
Saon: i am going get my license next week hopefully when i get the money to go take the test
Stef: that's a step in the right direction...

I wish I could be there with him. I may talk to him tomorrow night, so I may have other things to reflect on.

More laterz--

I've been so tired lately

And I don't like it.

I go to bed early, but when i awaken the next day, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't know if I'm just going thru another Fibro phase, or what. What I do need is a real bed. I've been sleeping on this couch for six months, and it's killin' me! And that could be part of my problem.

I really need to see a doctor. Speaking of which, I got the name of my sister's ob-gyn yesterday. I told her it's because I haven't had a pap smear in two years, but I also want to find out if my tubal could be reversed. I want to do this for myself as well as Saon. I called the doctor's office, but I got the answering service. I'll call her again on Monday.

I wrote Saon an email last night. I told him all the things I've been thinking since I spoke to him earlier in the day. He'd never admit it to my face, but I know he's scared about what he's going thru now. It's rather daunting to be somewhere and have no money, nowhere to live, no job, and no prospects for one. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he went back to the carnival. I just hope that he'd tell me where he's going next if he does decide to go that route.
He's a strong person, I know he can get thru this. If no one else will care for him, then it is up to me.

More laterz--

Friday, June 20, 2003

Come to think of it...

I kinda got the impression while reading over the conversation from the previous post that Saon is depressed. He does have some valid concerns about this point in his life. He really wants to be a father, and I want to help him achieve that goal. However, he does need to get his life in order before that can happen. Getting a job, getting a car are all important to him at this point. He feels like he's at loose ends, and I know exactly what that is like, because I am there myself right now. My realtionship with him is the only certain thing in my life that makes any sense

More laterz--

This answers some questions, but not all of them (it's a start though)

I heard from Saon...this is part of the conversation we had via Yahoo:

Stef: Saon, I gotta we still have a future together?
Saon: truthfully?
Stef: yes
Saon: not right now i got alot on my mind
Stef: another woman?
Saon: ya still my friend
Saon: no
Stef: michele?
Saon: FUCK NO!
Stef: LOL good for you!
Saon: i said i was done i am done
Saon: fuck her
Stef: you got a lot on your mind because you're worried about getting work?
Saon: that and other things
Stef: talk to me...anything i can do to help?
Saon: not really
Saon: i have to do it myself
Stef: what is it, if you don't mind sharing it with me
Saon: ok i am 26 fixin to be 27 no car no family what else?
Stef: i thought you wanted to have a child with me
Stef: i'm going next week to see if i can have the tubal reversed
Saon: do it

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Southpaw Scott whacks a line drive to right field!

Actually, Scott whacked three line drives into right field in his baseball game this afternoon. In the outfield, he played right and left field, but has a hard time paying attention. He's kicking the ground, taking his glove off, looking around...just the way a kid with ADD usually acts. I think that his meds start to wear off in the late afternoon, so we'll have to have that looked into.

The rest of the day was rather boring. I got up at 8:30am and rand to 7-11 to get Mom some ciggies, then I came home a goofed around on the puter, listened to The Radio Factor with Bill O'Reilly, and took a nap for a couple of hours. Tonight, I think I will touch up my color and take a shower, then tomorrow, go out and look for work.

Oh. Joy.

Still nothing from Saon. I have this to say about that: things must have gotten
really bad at the muffler shop and Saon decided to go back to the one thing he knows he can do well...the carnival. He wants to get his fines paid off and get his license back, and he needs money, obviously, to do that. Maybe he is trying to work towards our being together. I just wish he'd call and explain everything. I hate to think that he would give up on us without telling me. As I have mentioned previously, Saon has never lied to me about our realtionship status, and I have no reason to believe that he would start now.

If you love something, set it free; if it returns, it was meant to be...corny I know, but it has been true for me in this case. If Saon and I were meant to be, then he will return.

At least, I hope and pray that he will.

More laterz--

Jeff's home!!!

We all trooped out to the airport to meet Jeff's flight. Jeff was exhausted, but he wanted to tell us what souveneirs he brought back for us all. There was a few moments of tension when Jeff realized he left his wallet on the plane. Luckily, he was able to retrieve it. We then went to Chili's for dinner, and since Jeff ate on the plane, he wasn't really hungry.

His body clock was about seven hours ahead of OKC time, so Jeff was really tired. He went to bed as soon as we got home.

Jeff's gifts from his trip were as follows:

Dean: Big Ben paperweight
Tori: British call box bank and a collector spoon from Switzerland
Mom: a Swiss bell and a wooden tray from Italy
Dan: a 1:24 scale die cast car, a Testarosa (?)
Scott and Marc: both got real Swiss Army knives
Amalia: "pull back" action English taxi and Double Decker bus
Me: "Are You Being Served" video from London

More laterz--

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

If you prick me, do I not bleed?

I must be depressed, I'm quoting Shakespeare!

I can't even laugh, or find the will to do anything right now. Tori's bringing the kids over later this morning, and I am just not up to watching them today. If I tell her why, she'll just say, "I told you so".

I need answers, and I fear they won't be forthcoming.

More laterz--maybe

I just looked at Saon's Yahoo profile, and he's MOVED BACK TO MINNESOTA! He updated it today, and it looks like he's gone back to the carnival, as he listed his occupation as "concessions". He's still listed as "single", though.

I don't know what this means for us. Has he decided he doesn't want a future with me? What were all those things he said to me in Picayune? Lies?

I am really hurt. I wish he'd told me what he was planning to do. Does this mean he isn't over Michele?

I just wanna cry.

Saon, please talk to me...

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

There's too much freakin' tension around here...!

OR, money and the lack thereof...

I need to find a part time job, because the money situation around here is becoming unbearable. Mom is having a lot of trouble making her bills, and she gets moody about it. She and Daniel got into a shouting match today about the car. The car insurance is due on Thursday, and Mom can't pay it, so we won't be able to drive the car until the insurance gets paid. Daniel argued that he needs to drive to job interviews and to apply for jobs, but Mom said no, that after Thursday we can't drive.

This all depresses me to no end, and I can't handle it. I have to get out of here, but with no money, I don't know how I am going to manage that minor miracle.

So, I need to find a job, even though I am in a lot of pain some days and can't work a full time job.

This really does. I feel so powerless.

I have to get out of here. I can't take the stress.

More laterz--

Monday, June 16, 2003

You have recieved a new email message from...

I went to Tori's today to watch her kids and Scott and Marc. We watched videos, had lunch and baked cookies. Joey slept most of the time after I gave him a bottle. Amalia was being bossy again today...maybe it's just a phase she's going thru. She's starting Pre-K in August, so maybe she'll settle down once she starts to school.

When I got home, I got on the net for a bit, then I crashed on the couch for about 2 hours. Then Mom sent me to the store for stuff for dinner.

Do I live an exciting life, or what??? LOL, don't answer that!

I still haven't heard from Saon. I'm starting to get concerned. I hope he's okay.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Father's Day

This is the 3rd Father's Day without my dad. It's on days like this (and on his birthday in July) that I miss him a lot. He had a long, productive life...and I know I didn't make things easy for him. He's in a better place now...I truly believe that he's gotten me this far, guiding me to certain places and people.

I love you, Dad. Happy Father's Day!


Jeff called Tori and Dean today. Apparently, he ran out of money, and Dean wired him some to the hotel in London where his group is staying. He'll be home Wednesday evening. I can't wait to hear about his trip.

Jon called me today (after I called him). He went off on some tangent about a mutual friend who Jon says is annoying him on purpose. Well, Jon, after all the people you annoy on a regular basis, how does it feel? Then he told me that he's going to Boston on Tuesday to get his teeth looked at by someone at the Boston University Dental School. I've been telling him for years that if he didn't take care of his teeth, he would lose them. Apparently, his teeth are threatening to do just that.

Ex-husbands! Are all ex-husbands as clueless as mine is???

More laterz--

Saturday, June 14, 2003

I am being a pest, I know I am...

I worry about how Saon is. I hope things are going well and that he will call me soon. I'm not going to message him any more, because I feel I am being a pest. If he is moved to call me, he will.

It's just certain things he's said to me, like his thinking about leaving Picayune for New Orleans, and wondering what is happening, if anything, on that front. The idea of him leaving Picayune to live on the streets of New Orleans really scares me. I know he has done it before in other places, like Bangor before he hooked up with the carnival, but it doesn't sit well with me. And, I know he can take care of himself...

But still...should I worry? All the what if's go thru my head, and that just gets me more agitated. I have to have faith that Saon will be okay, and if he needs me, he knows how to reach me.

Praying extra hard for you, my baby...

More laterz--

I've been missing you fiercely all these months
Now, it looks like we're going to reunite
Restart, resume.
I cannot wait to be in your arms again-
To feel the touch of your skin,
The urgency of your lips upon mine
To feel safe again.

There was something missing
My life appeared in control from the outside
Inside, it was in chaos.
Bangor was the first time I felt that someone
saw me for who I am
Not for what they wanted me to become.

Thank you...

When you left that November,
My life felt cheated, but I remembered
You had a life before we met.
It was calling you back for closure
It was time to go and face the past.
Though it was hard to see you leave
I knew I had to let you go.

Friends forever, you said.

I prayed you were happy in your old life
But your voice betrayed your words
You couldn't find a way to make it work
Although you tried...I know you tried.
Your voice on the phone that day you told me
You were heading to Picayune
Absolutely broke my heart...I could feel your pain

I sat in the car and cried after we hung up.

We talked a lot that week.
Making plans to see one another again
You told me you loved me, that
you always had.
I want to reconnect with you
My feelings for you never wavered
I want to be in your arms again, to be safe, to be loved.

Now, I'm on a bus, headed to Picayune.

©2003, all rights reserved.
Know what I hate...?

Looking for a job in a city where I know no one.

I've been in Oklahoma nearly six months, and I still don't know a soul. Everyone is friendly, yes, but outside my family, I have no one. Is it any wonder that I am itching to blow this popcicle stand?

Looking for work, knowing I cannot work full time, is, frankly, a waste of my time and the time of any prospective employers. But, when you have no source of income, and no family to help you for whatever reason, you are kinda sorta forced into it.

Still I guess it's better than waiting around for Social Security to make up their minds whether I indeed am entitled to Disability.

I did promise Saon I would look for a job when I returned from Picayune, and so, here I am. I owe so many people so much's not funny anymore.

Sometimes, my life just plain sucks.

More laterz--

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Cranky Amalia, Joey's Growing, and Scott and Marc fight over Hamtaro

Tori dropped the kids off at the house today while she went to take a CME (continuing medical education) study course. In order for Tori to keep her medical license, she needs to take a certain amount of CME courses.

Amalia was tired, but she didn't want to take a nap, and she was bossy. Joey is eating up a storm, which is indicative of a growth spurt. I swear that boy gets bigger every time I see him! Scott and Marc have this game for Gameboy based on the cartoon "Hamtaro". They are constantly fighting about whose turn it is to play. Scott gets so into the game that he doesn't pay attention to anything going on around him. We literally had to take the Gameboy away from both of them to keep them from fighting over it.

Joey, at one point, kept crying, no matter what I, Mom, or Daniel did. Daniel is really good with Joey (and I am glad that Joey is Daniel's cousin and not his kid...I was the same age Daniel is now (19) when he was born, and I'm so not ready to be a grandmother).

I had to run out to the store to get lunch for me and Mom, because even though Tori brought a box of mac and cheese for the kids, there wasn't enough for Mom and I to have some as well.

Tori finally arrived around 2:30pm, and everyone was ready to go when she got there. This was after Joey cried for about an hour and I had to feed him again, right after he finished another bottle. I thought I saw two teeth trying to emerge in Joey's bottom jaw. The average age in our family for first teeth is 4 months, so at three months, so I wasn't surprised to see that.


I've been finding some really interesting stuff on the internet lately. I found the Social Security Death Index, which lists everyone who has died that had a social security number. Social security numbers are deactivated after a person dies. I looked up my dad, uncle, paternal grandfather (my paternal grandmother never was issued an SSN because she never worked outside the home and didn't need one per the laws at that time), and maternal grandmother.

I also found the obituary for Saon's nephew who died in March.

I keep thinking about all the stuff Saon has told me about his family, the deaths of his parents, and I wonder if he needs some kind of closure to deal with them.

If it were me, I certainly would.

More laterz--

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Jeff called!

He called at 7:15am (2:15pm where he was in Switzerland) and talked to Mom first, then I spoke to him. He's having a wonderful time, seeing a lot of things he's only heard or read about, and is rather impressed by the scenery. This is a kid who doesn't toss the word "beautiful" around lightly when he describes things. There's also a couple of girls in their group from a school in Georgia that he thinks are cute.

Jeff says he "accidently" spent $100 in Rome, and is down to his last hundred or so, but he thinks he can make it last another week. The good news is, he hasn't lost his passport.

I also heard from Saon today. He left me an offline message saying he's okay, and that he will try and contact me later. Damn! Missed him again!

More laterz--

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

(written about 10pm on 6.9.03, but Blogger was down)

Take me out to the ball game

I went to see Scott play in a baseball game this afternoon. It's weird seeing him bat lefty, even though I've known for years that he is left-handed.

I heard from my buddy, JC, today. He was in Chicago for a contest he was in, and he apparently had a great time hanging out with an ex-Chicago Bull (whom he didn't name) all night at a bar.

Man, I wanna hang out with him...he has all the fun!

I'm hoping that "no news is good news" in the cases of Saon and Jeffrey. Saon told me last week he was thinking of leaving Picayune because his buddy (for whom he works) isn't paying him. Then later, he told me that though it wasn't the best situation, things are going okay for the time being.

Jeffrey, on the other hand, is apparently having a great time in Europe, because he hasn't called us. Mom keeps saying she's going to call the next hotel on the itinerary to leave a message for Jeff to call us, but she hasn't done it yet.

Kid, I'm waiting for my postcard! LOL

More laterz--

Saturday, June 07, 2003

It's Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody...

and I don't want to go to karaoke alone, Saon is in Picayune, and my #2 son is in Rome.

Only I could come up with the lyrics of an old Cat Stevens song...I must be bored...

More laterz---
You can call us anytime, Jeff

Jeff has been in Rome for 3 days and he hasn't called us yet! He must be having a lot of fun.

Saon and I are playing messenger tag again. He keeps telling me he's going to try and call, then he doesn't. Things in Picayune don't sound like they're going well, especially since he said he was thinking about going to New Orleans because Ray isn't paying him.

I don't know what's going on, and I'm afraid to call there. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and call.

I'm still looking for a part time job, but I'm not having much luck. I'm competing with all the high school kids looking for summer work. I started looking online for job openings, so maybe one of those will pan out.

I went over to my sister's yesterday to watch the kids while she went shopping. Everyone was very good. Joey was just a happy li'l camper for the first couple of hours, then I found out why...he had a diaperful! He even laughed at me while I was changing him, the little imp!

More laterz--

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

He's on his way...

Jeff left for Europe this morning. Dean came over around 6:30am to take him to the airport. Daniel and I tagged along, and Scott and Marc were going as well (Tori, Amalia, Joey and Mom stayed home).

We went to Mickey D's for breakfast, then drove out to the airport. They're doing contruction out there, so parking was a bit dicey. Dean dropped us off at the terminal while he went to park the car.

Jeff didn't seem to be all that excited, even today. He was the first one of his group to arrive, and he got bored waiting, so he was pacing like a caged animal. After about 1/2 an hour, Mr Spencer and his wife arrived (they're the tour leaders for the trip). I was taken aback on how young he is. He doesn't look much older than the kids he's taking on the trip! Daniel told me later that he thought that Mr Spencer was 26 years old. He's the same age as Saon for cryin' out loud!

The other two boys going with Jeff's group arrived and they checked their bags. They then headed for the part of the terminal reserved for ticketholders. We said our goodbyes to Jeff at this point. He went thru the security checkpoint, where not only did they check his carry on and his jacket, but made him remove his shoes as well!!! He was soon thru with that part and he disappeared from our view. We then went home and Dean dropped us off before going to the hospital.

I hope Jeff has a good time. I hope he has enough money. I hope he doesn't lose his passport!

More laterz--

Monday, June 02, 2003

Crying Babies and Being Taken Advantage Of

Joey had shots today, and mom and I are watching him while everyone else went to Scott and Marc's baseball games. He's cryin' up a storm because the shots make him not feel too well. Mom just said that my dad was good with crying babies (he was good with kids, period).

(Oh finally! They're home!)

Saon and I were playing Mess-up-enger Tag today. He'd message me, and I'd be offline; I'd message him back, and he'd be offline. When we finally connected, he told me that he is seriously thinking about leaving Mississippi, because he is tired of working for nothing. His so-called buddy, Ray, thinks he's doing Saon a favor by giving him a place to live, and thinks that he doesn't have to pay Saon a living wage. Saon thinks that is BS.

Saon will head to New Orleans if and when he leaves Picayune, and stay with a childhood friend. He says that he won't have any trouble getting work on Bourbon Street, because there are any number of bars and clubs he could be a bouncer at.

He says that his niece, Jamie, will take him to New Orleans when the time comes. Jamie is a nice girl, and probably one of the few relatives that Saon has a good relationship with.

I wish there was something I could do to help, but I have no money to lend. I don't want Saon to live on the streets of the Big Easy...

More laterz-- when I figure out something
Much Cooler Weekend

Jeff's trip is getting close! The weekend was spent getting some of the items that he will need for his trip, such as underwear, socks, jeans, new shoes (his old ones are a mess!). Today he's supposed to get a haircut, and tomorrow, Tori is taking him to the bank to get traveller's checks.

Last night, we went to Cracker Barrel for dinner (all ten of us!!). Dean and Tori told Jeff he could pick the place because of his upcoming trip, and Cracker Barrel is where he wanted to go. We all had a great time, ate way too much, then went back to Tori and Dean's for some of Scott's birthday cake.

Tomorrow, I have to go back to my sister's and babysit.

More laterz--