Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I canNOT believe this guy!

My ex-husband must be insane! He thinks that my struggles with my
finding work is one big joke! We went round and round about the child
support issue too, but it's the comments he made on my inability to
generate an income that pissed me off the most. He even offered to pay
my way to bartending school --he can't pay child support, but he can
pay my way to a vocational school? Something in the water does not

Jon (12:48:20 PM): it is unreasonable that you cannot create an income
Stef(12:49:04 PM): create an income from what? there are NO JOBS HERE
FOR ME! I have been actively looking for work the entire time I've
been here.
Jon (12:50:02 PM): good you will find one
Stef(12:50:11 PM): you seem to have forgotten what not being able to
find work is like
Jon (12:50:26 PM): i havent forgotten
Stef (12:51:05 PM): so you know what a frustrating time i've been
having here. so how dare you suggest that I am not trying hard enough
Stef (12:51:40 PM): i seem to remember trying to support both of us on
my pay from [my former job in Norfolk, Virginia]
Jon (12:51:52 PM): i dont suggest that but it is unreasonable that
there is no income for you
Stef(12:54:16 PM): it's not unreasonable that there is no work here. a
lot of the customer service jobs I do are being outsourced to places
like India.I know this because I've talked to quite a few of these
people on the phone every day! They do collections, call center work,
customer service. so what's left for ME?
Jon (12:55:23 PM): you could probably telemarket better than i can. i
crashed and burned after 2 days at that
Stef (12:56:42 PM): telemarketing? surely you jest? you hear of the
"do not call" list that went into effect last year? Even telemarketers
are out of work!
Jon (12:57:39 PM): computers generate numbers that are not on the do
not call list
Jon (12:58:41 PM): hey! bartend in oklahoma
Stef (12:58:42 PM): computers are only as good as the humans who
program them. some numbers do slip thru that are on the do not call
Jon (12:59:23 PM): if u can get into a certification class i'll send
you that money to get in
Jon (12:59:39 PM): ok 4get telemktg
Jon(1:00:06 PM): i hear storm chasing is all the rage in oklahoma
Jon (1:00:57 PM): it might pay your way to study meteorology
Jon (1:01:36 PM): and the exercise will help u lose wgt (Stef--I told him to go fuck himself)
Stef (1:02:09 PM): i don't want to be in fucking oklahoma anymore! I
don't want to study meterology. I don't want to put myself in the path
of a tornado. I know what damage they do to things around here. they
fucking kill people!
Jon (1:04:06 PM): i could see you on-camera...
Stef(1:04:07 PM): look i can't talk to you anymore. you think my being
unable to find work is a joke, and your attempts at humor are
beginning to piss me off.
Jon (1:05:04 PM): ok sorry no i dont but i did think of some ideas
Jon (1:05:25 PM): and my offer still stands to pay ur way into a
bartending class (Stef-- but you have to be made to pay child

Stef (1:05:26 PM): none that i can use. good bye

I love this song!

I honestly thought this was an Evanescence song when I first heard it, because Amy Lee is singing on it. Her voice gives me (good) chills! And she's only something like 21 years old! This so describes how I feel about a certain someone. It's as if the song was plucked from my thoughts.

This is where I got them, BTW.

Seether, featuring Amy Lee

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

in no particular order, you understand--

10 bands/artists you've been listening to lately:
1. Godsmack
2. Evanescence
3. Collective Soul
4. Audioslave
5. Jet
6. Heart
7. Lenny Kravitz
8. Linkin Park
9. Brian McComas
10. Def Leppard

9 things you look forward to:
1. being with Saon
2. getting out of Oklahoma
3. getting my hair cut and dyed
4. having money
5. the 4th of July
6. getting out of the house and being alone
7. fixing BabyDoll
8. JC's next email
9. getting a decent night's sleep (without the aid of drugs)

8 things you like to wear:
1. tshirts
2. jeans
3. spaghetti strap tops
4. sneakers
5. ball caps
6. funky socks
7. toenail polish
8. hoop earrings

7 things that annoy you:
1. liars
2. players
3. feeling like I'm out of the loop
4. being broke
5. the slow wheels of bureaucracy
6. my ex husband
7. when people ridicule other's dreams and goals

6 things you say most days:
1. hey!
2. awesome
3. --MorelaterZ--
4. brilliant move, Einstein!
6. everything hurts

5 things you do every day:
1. eat
2. sleep (when I can)
3. wear my glasses
4. wash my face
5. talk to someone

4 people you want to spend more time with:
1. Saon!
2. JC
3. my sons
4. Donna

3 favorite movies:
1. The Sting
2. The Passion of the Christ
3. Jefferson in Paris

2 of your favorite songs at the moment:
1. Broken --Seether featuring Amy Lee
2. Scream --Collective Soul (so the song's ten years old, it rocks!)

1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. my Cajun

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Tonight on...

Last Comic Standing: June 29, 2004

John returned to the house after winning the challenge with Bonnie with mixed emotions. He didn't want to be the one to challenge Bonnie. He declared that he's not going to be influenced by any "alliances". He was there to play the game, and now wanted to be a lone wolf.

The comics then went thru an hour long yoga session. While most got into the groove of things, Ant smoked and faked his way thru it, while Todd chose to sleep. The funniest that Todd has ever been is when he snores, IMHO.

Back in the house, Ant was the one who retrieved the card from the fortune teller machine for the next the challenge. The comics were to get on a Hollywood tour bus to work as tour guides and the best one of the group would win immunity from elimination. But, try as they will, none of them could best the mighty Ant!

Tempers flared on the way back to the house. Todd made a tasteless remark about gays that Ant took exception to. He made an anology between gays and African Americans using the reviled "N" word, and Corey took offense to that. Ant stood his ground when Corey went off on him, and Ant later apologized for his comments.

Before the voting of which two comics would challenge each other, Todd was beginning to realize that some of his housemates were gunning to get him out of the house.

The voting began and there was a wide selection of comics others thought they were funnier than. In the end there was a tie: with three votes each, Todd and Tammy were to challenge each other.

Todd stated that he was nervous, and was not going to make a secret of it. There was a lot on the line. He knew that only one of them would be returning to the house, and it might not be him. Tammy wanted to be judged as a comic, not just as a female comic by the crowd at the "Last Comic Theatre".

Jay Mohr came out on stage and did a hilarious set about his toddler son...then introduced the first comic--

Tammy began by talking about her Sicilian family; some chick who came up to her and asked who did her boobs. "God," Tammy said. "Where's his office?" the chick asked; and Tammy's adventures in "Amishville".

Todd then took the stage and asked, "Do I look like Mel Gibson and Fred Flintston had an ugly baby?" Late night informercials; People with bad breath and other odoriferousities (is that a word?); hotel soaps and those other dinky size things you find in hotels.

Both had strong sets, and the voting was really close. With 55% of the vote, the winner was...Tammy!! Todd stated that he was disappointed, but it just didn't go his way this time.

Check out the official episode recap in the morning.


Monday, June 28, 2004

Okay, so why can't I access my blog on your server?

I don't need this frustration, Blogger. Not today.


Well, the news came, and it's not good...

See Look What the Cat Dragged In. Back to fuckin' square one!


Okay, it worked

however, I deleted it because I just can't bear to look at that pic everyday when I go into my blog. It's not that he's not good to look at, because he is IMHO; it's that "cheshire cat" grin that gets to me! I can see it in my sleep!

So, once again, to recap: Paul and I are still friends as far as I can tell; he was my landlord in Massachusetts; and, I have the pic for one reason and one reason only, but I'm not going to say here. That's my business.

So why did I even bring it up? Damned if I know! Actually, I do know why-- it's because I was thinking about him today, wondering how he's doin'. Months ago, he asked for my phone number, saying he'd call, and he never did call.

The dork!


Sunday, June 27, 2004

"Where were you..."

From Subversive Harmony

1. Where were you when you heard that Ronald Reagan died?
Sitting upstairs in my room at Mom's house, trying out some long
forgotten embroidery stitches, watching some thing on TV. I had caught
the skin between my thumb and forefinger in the scissors, and I was
trying to stop the bleeding when NBC News broke in and announced that
he had passed.

2. Where were you on September 11, 2001?
I was turning onto Shattuck Road in Andover, Mass., on the way to
work, when I heard about the first plane on the radio. At the time, I
thought it was a small plane hitting the first tower in some sort of
tragic miscalculation. It wasn't being called a terrorist act until I
got into work and went into the cafe (lunchroom). I had just sat down
with some of my friends when the second plane hit, with us watching it
all unfold on TV. It was then I realized what the date was-- 9/11.

3. Where were you when you heard that Princess Diana died?
At work in Chesapeake, Virginia, around 10pm, when someone had come
upstairs from the breakroom and said there had just been a report that
Diana was in a car accident. After I got home that night around 2am, I
flipped on the TV and watched the reports. By this time, it was being
reported that she had indeed died. I remember feeling really bad about
her sons not having a mother.

4. Do you remember where you were when you heard Kurt Cobain had died?
I don't really remember, but I do remember when I heard he had left
his driver's license in plain sight so that his body could be
identified. I had been home with a sick baby that day (my son, Marc,
who's 10 now)

5. Take one for The Gipper: What's your favorite flavor of jelly bean?
With all due respect to the late former President, I never liked jelly beans.

6. Where were you when Magic Johnson announced he was retiring from
the NBA due to AIDS?

I don't remember that, though I remember someone making a comment
about him being a "tail hound".

7. Where were you when Reagan was shot?
In high school. I was in my fourth period class when the principal
announced it on the P.A. system. Reagan was shot on March 30, 1981,
five years to the day before my son Jeff was born.

8.Where were you when the Challenger exploded?

Living in Seal Beach, Ca., sitting on the floor with my 2 year old
son, watching the launch on TV (I was 7 months pregnant with my son Jeff). Just before the launch, Daniel said he had to go to the potty, and since I was potty training him at the time, we went to the bathroom. When we came back, they had just shown a replay of the explosion, but had not yet said anything about the crew members fate. Later I learned the awful truth-- they had all perished

9. Where were you when the 0J verdict was announced?
At home in Norfolk, VA, waiting for the plumbers to come and fix the
toilet in the upstairs bathroom. The plumbers told me when they got
there that the verdict had come down as they were pulling into the
drive. I was not watching it on TV as I was not interested in the
case, since it was being played out in the press and I was rather sick
of it by that time.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Imagine the dedication of this project!

Man Creates Tiny, 5,000-Piece Model Circus

By LAURA WALSH, Associated Press Writer

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. - A circus fan ever since his first Christy Bros. show in 1926, William R. Brinley has designed a miniature circus that features more than 5,000 carved figures and circus equipment. It spans 1,100 square feet, a world in which 3/4-inch equals 1 foot.

The teeny display at The Barnum Museum tells a feel-good story of old circus days, when clowns and trapeze girls had the power to draw crowds to the street, and even close school early for a makeshift holiday.

In the early 20th century, people cheered as the fancy parade wagons slowly made their way downtown. Children clutched posters torn from barns that boasted of trained jungle animals, as they tried to sneak peeks at the "Bearded Girl" and the "Sword Swallower."

"When I was a kid you looked forward to circus day, like you would Christmas or your birthday," said Brinley, 86, of Meriden. "It was a big deal."

Brinley's model, complete with five rings and two stages, is a replica of a 1903 Barnum and Bailey tent circus. The display is made of just wood and cloth and took 36 years to put together. There's the 6-inch-tall ringmaster, tents (made from scraps of bed sheets) and plenty of cop clowns and hefty elephants.

But it's the slightest of details that makes this circus a testament to Brinley's own life. When he was a boy, Brinley snagged free tickets to all the circuses that rolled into his hometown of Wallingford by volunteering to do "just about anything they needed."

And it was there that Brinley, equipped with his Brownie camera, tape measurer and pad and pencil, preserved all the tricks of the trade.

For those who look closely enough, Brinley made sure to include an elongated bed for the "Tall Lad" in his Sideshow car. His ticket wagon has a false floor so the clerk can hide money from lurking robbers, and the wagon carrying his ballet girls has a separate room for an older couple who act as chaperons.

The back of the dining car is packed with circus workers hunched around a table, trading cards and playing poker. A hidden door separates the gambling room from the rest of the dining car and is barred by a single piece of wood.

"It was all a secret," Brinley. "They needed to keep the sheriff from barging in."

He used a jigsaw to cut everything, even the traditional folding "Starback" seats for the audience. Small electric motors add some movement to the display — horses gallop and acrobats twirl from the sky.

Brinley's favorite part of the circus has always been the animals, and he pays tribute to the famous circus trainer and old friend Terrell Jacobs by painting his name on the lion and tiger cages.

Brinley met Jacobs, who worked for a variety of circuses, after a Ringling Bros. show in 1938 in Hartford. The two remained friends, corresponding often through letters, until Jacobs' death.

All of Brinley's parade wagons are modeled after Robbins Brother circus wagons, including one that pictures steamboats passing through the Panama Canal. Brinley chose carefully his color shades to match the exact design and style of the originals.

Authenticity is what makes circus modelers tick, said Marlin Weaver, vice president for Circus Model Builders Inc. The group, founded in 1936, has nearly 1,500 members across the country who search through photographs, old posters and newspaper clippings to make sure their models are the real deal.

"Everybody's crazy about something. We just happen to be crazy about circuses," said Weaver, of Palm Harbor, Fla. "It's just a little bit of history that you will never see again."

Friday, June 25, 2004

My ex husband's selfishness knows no bounds (rant alert)

He keeps pleading poverty, yet he had bought himself another old car, is trying to get it registered in New Hampshire (he lives in Massachusetts), but doesn't have enough money to pay child support. It's supposed to come out of his paycheck, then he tells me that he was being paid "under the table" until he could get back on his feet. He tells me that's he's on the payroll at his job now, but we haven't seen any child support payments since APRIL!!!

So he can get on his feet? The child support he owes is from before the two older boys became adults. He's in arrears right now. When I filled out Jeff's financial aid forms, they needed the amount of support Jon paid last year. Guess how much Jon paid in child support last year? $230.00, that's how much.

Short of thowing his ass in jail, what can I do? I've already told the state authorities in Massachusetts where he's working, but no payments have been made. He won't send it willingly. I don't have the money to sue mom is thinking of telling his mom about all this, but I don't see where it would do any good.

The man's a deadbeat, pure and simple. Perhaps he should go back to the days when he had nothing and I supported his lazy ass. This is when we were still married and he got laid off, he expected me to take care of him on my ten-dollar-an-hour paycheck! I told him to get out and find work or get unemployment. In Virginia where we were living at the time, he had to show that he was looking for work, whether he had any interviews, etc. to get unemployment payments. He had to be forced to look for work, just as he had to be forced to pay child support!

I can't work due to my disability. Believe me, if I could work, I would. Jobs are not easy to find here, and the work I was doing is now being outsourced to places overseas. Until I can get disability payments, then Jon will just have to unclench that tight fist of his and give his kids some support. The money to send Jeff to OU ain't gonna grow on trees for God's sake!

Oooohhh! That jerk burns me up! That he would deny his children money to help me and their grandmother support them is just pure evil on his part. We'll find a way to get money out of him, even if it means forcing him to sell things of value like his computer and his car, and garnishing his wages for life. I asked him, before he got this current job, to please tell them that he has this obligation, but he didn't. His employer helped him avoid paying child support by paying him under the table! I wonder what story he told them as to why he wanted to be paid under the table (because I know it was his idea, not theirs). Oh, my evil and selfish ex-wife! he probably told them.

I can't talk about this anymore, because the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get.

/end rant (for now)


Thursday, June 24, 2004

Post number 500 --please indulge me

LCDR Michael Scott Speicher disappeared over Iraq on the first night of Operation Desert Storm, 17 January 1991. His FA/18 was found years later, and it was determined that Speicher ejected safely from his plane, based on evidence found at the crash site. He was initially listed as KIA/BNR (killed in action/body not recovered), but that status was later changed to MIA by President Clinton.

Since promoted to the rank of Captain, Speicher was seen alive in Iraq as recently as March 2003, shortly before the current conflict began. When Saddam Hussein was captured by US forces in December 2003, he denied any knowledge of Captain Speicher's whereabouts.

An excellent book on this subject, No One Left Behind, was published in 2002 by Amy Waters Yarsinske. I have had trouble reading this book becasue it pisses me off so much that our government has done very little to find Captain Speicher and bring him home. A grass roots effort was started to force the government to acknowledge that, despite their pledge that no man be left behind enemy lines, that's exactly what happened in the Speicher case. A great source for more information on this case, in addition to the book I mentioned, is the website Friends Working to Free Scott Speicher.

I personally believe that Saddam knows where Speicher is. The man has been missing for 13 1/2 years. It's time to bring Spike home!

Captain Speicher, there are people here working to find you and bring you home to your country and your family. Though it appears that your country has forgotten you, there are folks like me who keep you in their prayers and hope you are soon reunited with those who care about you the most, and have been working to see that you are not forgotten.


Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Last Comic Standing: Bonnie's gone!

I missed the first half of the show, but got there in time to see Corey perform at the Aspen Comedy Festival. He won the game of performing at the laundromat.

Alliances were being formed, and Tammy suggested that instead of taking Todd out, to vote for the ones he hung out with. Todd was being his normal annoying self. The funniest thing Todd has done so far is snore.

Bonnie decided that Tammy was the weakest of the house, and set her sights on bringing her down. Tammy was having none of that.

When the voting came up, six of the comics said they were funnier than Bonnie. Bonnie told Jay Mohr that Ant and Tammy were no challenge to her, so she picked John for her face off. John was apprehensive, because there were other comics he wanted to see go first. In the end though, John had the stronger set and got 94% of the audience vote. Bonnie was outta there!

I didn't like Bonnie from the git go, so I'm glad she's out. Dissing your competition on national tv is a sign of a insecure performer, IMHO. Now, Todd's gotta go. He grates on my nerves. I've known people like him, and we just didn't get along. Everyone else I like.

Read NBC's official weekly recap for more on this week's episode.


"Home is where somebody loves you"

This is such a sweet story with a powerful message, that I decided to reproduce it in its entirety. This is from the Eagle-Tribune in Lawrence, Massachusetts (I lived in this area for 3 1/2 years before coming to OK 18 months ago.)

Home is where somebody loves you

A path wound through the tall weeds and disappeared into a stand of trees. It ran through a vacant lot on Locust Street. The city owned the lot, but no one had used it in years. It was for sale. No reason for a path to be there.

I followed the trampled grass down a dip into the dark woods. A blue bike leaned against a tree. I didn't hear anybody.

This had been a dumping ground for years. Papers, bottles, plastic buckets, old clothes sodden from the previous night's rain. Then I saw the tent.

"Hello?" I called. It was 10:30 a.m. on a Saturday. I said it again louder.

"Are you a cop?" a man's voice asked.

"A reporter." I stood in the quiet dark and slapped at a mosquito. "Come on in," the man said.

I unzipped the flap. A slim, well-muscled man sat on a mattress. He wore green boxers with polar bears. Jailhouse tattoos covered his arms and chest. Guns and Roses. Biker tags. The grim reaper. His name was Ron. He was 33.

A soggy blue recliner stood at the entrance to the tent. I perched on an arm and peered inside.

Lying next to Ron was a blonde woman in a denim jumper. A tattoo from Winnie the Pooh was on her shoulder. "Tigger-tiger," Ron said. "I love that tattoo."

Her name was April. She was 36. She grew up in a home where she had been sexually abused. In 10th grade, she moved in with a guy she met on the street. She had two kids, a boy and a girl. They are 17 and 18 now. They live with their father in Michigan.

April shook some pills into her palm from a prescription bottle and washed them down with iced tea. She takes eight pills a day, psych meds. The pills make her sleepy. She can't work.

A year ago April lived with a man who would go crazy on drugs and beat her up. She got a restraining order. Without his income, she couldn't afford to pay rent and got evicted. She was living in a shelter when she met Ron.

Ron had been in and out of jail. "It was for doing stupid things because I was addicted to crack cocaine. But I don't mess with that anymore," he said. He works for a mover now. He makes $700 a week when there's work. He couldn't stay in the shelter. He was claustrophobic. He kept running out in the middle of the night. That's against the rules. So they kicked him out.

It was December and bitterly cold. Ron knew about the tent. He moved in and April came with him. "I knew the tent was empty and her heart was empty, and I came here," Ron said. "I'm telling you the truth. I love April."

Days, they went to church drop-in centers. Charities offered a free dinner several nights a week. Other times they bought meals at convenience stores or fast-food joints. They went to the bathroom in a plastic five-gallon bucket. One day they returned home to find their tent cut up, their clothes and possessions scattered. "It's scary," April said. "He don't dare to leave me here."

Last week, April called her son. He said he and his sister were coming to visit.

"In the tent?" I asked.

No, Ron said. "We don't want her kids to see her like she is." Ron said. They looked at an apartment on Emerson Street recently. It cost $650 a month. Between Ron's salary and April's disability benefits, they can easily afford it.

This is not a story about homelessness. This is a story about what made April spend a frozen winter in a tent when she could have stayed inside with heat and running water. After the beatings and abuse and life in the streets and the shelters, she found out something about home. Home isn't a building. Home is where somebody loves you.

"It's not a happy ending till we get in that apartment," Ron said.

April had a far-off look in her eyes. She smiled. "It's a start."

There are NO pics of Mary-Kate Olsen here if that is the only reason you came to this site, I'm not sorry you're disappointed. If you came because you are curious about my blog, fine. I DO NOT repeat gossip in my blog.

On the recent news that M-K has gone into treatment for an eating disorder, I hope and pray that by doing this, she gets the help and coping skills she needs to deal with this.. By doing this, she is telling other young women that starving oneself is NOT the way to go, if indeed that's what she was doing, consciously or unconsciously. Please remember, though, is that she and her sister Ashley are both very petite young ladies, by nature. What may look fine on their bodies may not look fine on someone else's body.

The media should leave these girls alone. They are starting college this fall, and they should be left in peace to concentrate on their studies.

That is all I have to say on this matter. Case closed.


Fortune cookies say...

Amalia just had to have the "cookies with the papers in them" today, so I went out and got a box of fortune cookies from the WalMart supercenter down the street from Mom's house. There were like a dozen cookies in the box, so we each had 2 (me, Jeff, Amalia and Mom). Amalia got the same fortune in both of hers! Something about hearing good news. C'mon now, she's 5! If her parents have their way, she'll never hear bad news.

Here are mine:

Prepare yourself for a big change of events in your personal life.

Life brings you a bold and dashing adventure.

And a third one I had just a few minutes ago: Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

(Once again, insert the Twilight Zone theme here.)


Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Audio Post: I wonder...

this is an audio post - click to play

Oh! Is this not cool?

Someone has me on their RSS feed!

Whoever you are: thanks for stopping in. You are welcome anytime.

  • Bla, Bla, Blog! ...all the trash that fits! My Blosxom Weblog - 3 hours ago

  • Dr. Ed Shepp's Big Fat Live Journal - 3 hours ago

  • ~*Mi Vida Loca*~ Welcome to my crazy life. - 3 hours ago

  • Office Messenger - 1 hour ago

  • Instant Dream Body Diet Plan - 1 hour ago

  • This is kinda spooky...

    Question is: should I be listening?

    Stephanie's Daily Aquarius Forecast

    Overview: Two people in parallel motion are ready to come together... A time for change is also an opportunity to experiment. The result could be far better than anyone imagines.

    (cue Twilight Zone theme music here)


    Scream --Collective Soul

    From the CD Hints, Allegations, and Things Left Unsaid

    Push me to the left, hold me to the right
    I never know where to go
    Burning that trail to the promised land
    You're moving on out of control
    Well I don't want to be some puppet on a string
    And I don't want to learn of things you can't explain
    And I don't want to have your views on everything
    I just want to scream

    Scream about hurting
    Scream about mercy
    Scream about something
    Scream about nothing

    Drop me in the hills, leave me in the plains
    Give me some room to breathe
    The words you spill, the moves you make
    I find them all hard to believe
    Well I don't want to be statistic industry
    And I don't want to give when all you share is greed
    And I don't want to have one more enemy
    I just want to scream

    There you go with all your might
    Giving promises by decree
    Well God is great and God is good
    But God you'll never be
    Well I don't want to be in your hospitality
    And I don't want to live in false reality
    See I'm the one obsessed with truth and honesty
    I just want to scream

    [Stef's Note: This so perfectly describes my ex husband, it's not even funny. I thought this about these lyrics long before we even discussed divorce.]


    Monday, June 21, 2004

    From the "This really sucks" department

  • skin problems I can't seem to solve w/o medical intervention

  • you can't sue your HMO for malpractice

  • being broke

  • waiting for bureaucracy's wheels to turn in my favor

  • the ongoing war

  • Britney Spears apparently getting married again (the girl needs
    to fuckin' grow up before she does that again IMHO)

  • etc.

  • Best bumper sticker seen today: Buck Fush


    Audio Post: waiting in the van

    this is an audio post - click to play

    Sunday, June 20, 2004


    in a nutshell: bor-ring! Watched Meet the Press, a Wimbledon preview, a NASCAR race (who won? You got me!), golf...big whoop, huh?

    Oh, and it was Father's Day. My father's deceased, so I didn't have anyone to wish a happy Father's Day to. It makes me kinda sad, though. This is one of the times I really miss him...another is coming up on the 18th of next month, Dad's birthday. He would have been 89 years old. Would have still been sharp as a tack, too.

    I talked to my ex-brother-in-law, Ron, today. He had gotten Jeff's graduation announcement in the mail on Saturday, and wanted to extend his congratulations. He sent me a group picture with him, his wife and daughter, his mom and stepdad (who died in February); I saw this picture and I swear I wouldn't have known my ex M-I-L on the street if I saw her. She looks nothing like I remember the last time I saw her (ironically, at my dad's funeral 5 years ago)!

    I wondered how Saon was doing. I hope he's okay and that he will call me soon. That last call I got from him was odd. I just want to clarify some of the things he said to me then. Lord, watch over my Cajun tonight and every night until we are together again, and keep him safe.


    Friday, June 18, 2004


    Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

    You are blue collar and Rock n Roll. You Work hard and party harder.

    Not Boston? Not San Francisco (especially since I was born there)? Where's New Orleans? Chicago, anyone?

    Speaking of Chicago, I got to this from Farkleberries, still committing bloggery in Chicago, I hear. Thanks for putting me on your faves list!


    Thursday, June 17, 2004

    Sleeping...way too much or not at all...

    There is no middle ground here.

    I am so bored. I've been to the library and checked out some books, but my days are all the same...

    The van's out of gas and we're out of money again. Mom's thinking of filing for bankruptcy. I'm still awaiting some word from Social Security about Disability and SSI. I'm still looking for work, but not even the temp places don't have anything for me (mostly it's for labor jobs such as gardeners, groundskeepers, housekeepers, etc).

    I got a nice note from Jaime last week that was really positive. I don't know this gal personally, but I like her blog and she's a nice person. Sometimes, a kind word works wonders. I try to live my life that way, to be kind and supportive. It's nice that others live that way also.

    About the sleeping though...chronic exhaustion is a bitch. This is all related to my FMS. See Look What the Cat Dragged In for more on that.

    I really should quit could be worse --a lot worse. I'm just thankful that I have a roof over my head. Things will get better, it just takes time.


    LCS: Part two of Vegas finals...

    The last five comics were chosen last night. Not everyone agreed with the final choices. Celeb Judge Brett Butler actually walked out, and Drew Carey was pissed. It had to be explained to them by the producers that the final decisions were made in conjunction with NBC, and a statement to that affect was shown on screen at the end of the show. Carey seemed to get it after that explanation.

    The final five comics are:

  • Todd (I don't think he's particularly funny).

  • Alonzo (apparently, the stereotypes about black men are true!)

  • Tammy (I'm glad she got in. She's a scream!)

  • John (He knew what his first joke would be; the rest just came out. Gutsy!)
  • Jay ("I work at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I work in the 'Beyond' department." Deadpan humor is always good.)

  • NBC's official Weekly Recap. Check out the rest of the site while you're there.


    Wednesday, June 16, 2004

    Last night on Last Comic Standing

    The finals in Vegas.
    Among the celeb judges are Tess (finalist last year), Drew Carey, and Brett Butler.

    This year, they've split the 20 finalists into two groups of ten. This first group performed and five we chosen to live in the house in the Hollywood Hills. Clearly there were some who were chosen that I wouldn't have chosen, sparking debate on the LCS discussion board on that the show is rigged, and that Carey and Butler were rather pissed off that their choices were ignored.

    I like the little vignettes of the different contestants, and I already found two I don't like. Todd is a blowhard who thinks he's God's gift to comedy. He's in the group that will perform tonight. Bonnie dissed the other female comics as not being good as a group (I didn't find her particularly funny, especially when she started off her set with a joke containing the "C" word. I don't find vulgarity funny, Bonnie). She performed last night.

    So, the first half of the house is filled. Those making the cut are:

  • Ant (he made the Vegas finals last year and just missed out, so I'm glad he's getting another chance)

  • Bonnie (see comments above. I hope she gets booted fast)

  • Corey (He's Mom's favorite so far. Very funny!)

  • Gary (He's the really tall one, and pretty funny himself)

  • Kathleen (She's my favorite of the women so far. Glad she's in the house)

  • The second group will be chosen on tonight's show. Tune in!


    Tuesday, June 15, 2004

    And why

    is it still in the 80's at freakin' midnight???

    Monday, June 14, 2004

    Joey walks!!

    We had Joey and Marc over here this afternoon while Scott was at scouts and Amalia was playing t-ball. Joey was walking all over the place. He looked so funny doing it, but he had this mile-wide grin on his face that was so cute!

    He's almost 15 months old...'bout damned time he walked (says she whose oldest walked at 10 months-- and ran at 10 1/2 months!).

    We had pizza for dinner then Marc wanted to walk up to Wal-Mart with Jeff. I didn't want them to go alone, so I drove them. When we got there, I gave them 1/2 hour to find what they wanted to buy. Jeff got a model of a 240Z and Marc got a dart gun for all of $1.05.

    When we got back, Tori and Amalia were already there. Soon, everyone left and it was just me, Mom and Jeff again.

    Jeff got his financial aid stuff back in the mail. There's still something wrong with we're going to fix it and send it back. *sigh*

    I got another email from JC today, but I'm not so sure I understand what he's talking about. It was about that seminar that he's going to attend in Maine later this month...I asked him a question about it, and the answer went right over my head. Usually I can grasp complex theorems like that, but this was out of this world! I'll have to contemplate on it for a couple of days before I reply. This stuff is deeeeep! (Just like my son Scott's voice these days).


    Saturday, June 12, 2004

    Well hell...

    When Boston loses, they lose BIG!

    Final score was L.A. 14, Boston 5



    Red Sox vs. Dodgers

    Who do I root for?

    What a dilemma!

    Who do you think I'm gonna root for? Hint: not L.A.

    Go BoSox!!


    Friday, June 11, 2004

    Psalms 37:23-40

    This is the text that was quoted by former President George H.W. Bush during the funeral for Ronald Reagan at the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. --

    23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,
    And He delights in his way.

    24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
    For the Lord upholds him with His hand.

    25 I have been young, and now am old;
    Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,
    Nor his descendants begging bread.

    26 He is ever merciful, and lends;
    And his descendants are blessed.

    27 Depart from evil, and do good;
    And dwell forevermore.

    28 For the Lord loves justice,
    And does not forsake His saints;
    They are preserved forever,
    But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off.

    29 The righteous shall inherit the land,
    And dwell in it forever.

    30 The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom,
    And his tongue talks of justice.

    31 The law of his God is in his heart;
    None of his steps shall slide.

    32 The wicked watches the righteous,
    And seeks to slay him.

    33 The Lord will not leave him in his hand,
    Nor condemn him when he is judged.

    34 Wait on the Lord,
    And keep His way,
    And He shall exalt you to inherit the land;
    When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

    35 I have seen the wicked in great power,
    And spreading himself like a native green tree.

    36 Yet *he passed away, and behold, he was no more;
    Indeed I sought him, but he could not be found.

    37 Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright;
    For the future of that man is peace.

    38 But the transgressors shall be destroyed together;
    The future of the wicked shall be cut off.

    39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
    He is their strength in the time of trouble.

    40 And the Lord shall help them and deliver them;
    He shall deliver them from the wicked,
    And save them,
    Because they trust in Him.

    Thursday, June 10, 2004

    July? August? Wha??

    I'm still thinking about the last call I got from Saon last week sometime. He told me that his cousin David was going to drive up from Mississippi to bring him and his dog Blue back to David's. Then he said something about leaving in July, then something about August, then he said he'd call back the next day.

    He never called back. I hope things are okay with him. I know that he tries to call me when he's alone and can talk freely, but now I'm getting concerned. I wish he'd call back so I can ask him to clarify what he told me.

    I gotta keep positive. If I think it's going to be all right, it'll be all right.

    Go on with your life...que sera sera-- whatever will be, will be


    Just as a point of reference

    The Bangor State Fair is July 30-Aug 8, 2004.

    Wouldn't it be nice to go back to the scene of the crime?

    We'll see.


    Wednesday, June 09, 2004

    Audio Post: Stuff n Things

    this is an audio post - click to play

    Tuesday, June 08, 2004

    Last Comic Standing is back!!

    I loved this show last summer, and I'm looking forward to seeing this summer's crop of comics. Tonight's episode is the 2-hour premiere, where we see the hopefuls for the first time. I read somewhere that Ralphie May was the host for the auditions in Los Angeles. Ralphie was my pick to win last year, but came in second to the annoying Dat Phan (and I haven't seen him in anything since he won, have you?). I've seen several of the others on TV since then (Dave Mordal and Rich Vos to name two).

    Check out NBC's website for more info, and tune in tonight at 8 EDT/7CDT...

    (Jay Mohr should really pay me for talking up the show in my blog, as I did last year...nah, just kidding!)


    Monday, June 07, 2004

    I don't know why, but I'm kinda depressed

    It concerns me that I've been down in the dumper all weekend. I know I need meds to get through this, but with no money I can't very well do that right now. Still I want to be able to fight these feelings that envelope me on my own instead of relying on SSRI's (selective seritonin reuptake inhibitors, such as Prozac and Zoloft).

    I can't put my finger on the cause of it, either. It could be any number of things: a kid headed to college, my failure to find a job, all the guilt I get from my family, unresolved personal issues...I just don't know.

    I want to get out of here, because my mother is getting all melodramatic on me about her supposed lack of funds. She tells me one minute that we can't afford gas for the car, but she can always find the money for her god damned cigarettes. I ran out of gas the other day in the middle of Danforth, and it's because she doesn't want to spring for gas. I can't help the fact that gasoline is running around $1.70 a gallon (cheaper than a lot of other places, I know). She seems to think that that van can run on fumes.

    I want to get out of here because all I'm doing is draining everyone. I've noticed that when I go out of town (but not since last Sept.) that money seems to last longer, so there's your proof right there. I'm a financial drain on my family, and I do not want that. But if i don't either find work or get Disability soon, I'm pretty much stuck here. My self-esteem is heading for the toilet, and the worst thing is, NOBODY CARES! Nobody but me.

    And there's no way in hell I'm going to see my sister's shrink...if I need help, I'll get my own therapist, thank you.

    There are things that I hope happen, but I have no idea when or if they will, so I can't count on that.

    Maybe I'll call someone this week about all this. This will drive me to drink, and I'm not a drinker. Hell, I can't afford to be...I'm fuckin' broke!


    Saturday, June 05, 2004

    "...and slipped the surly bonds of Earth - to touch the face of God"

    Eighteen years ago, Ronald Reagan said these words in response to the space shuttle Challenger tragedy; today, they could be said of Ronald Reagan himself--

    The former President died today at his home in Los Angeles at the age of 93.

    He will lie in state for 2 days in California, and 2 more in Washington, D.C.

    May he rest in peace.


    Friday, June 04, 2004

    Insert the theme from "The Twilight Zone" here

    Stephanie's Daily Aquarius Forecast

    Quickie: You'll accomplish more working together. Take attendance and pool your resources.


    I was telling Saon this not two weeks ago, that we should join forces and get through life together. And, he agreed. I think that's why he's keeping me apprised of the situation he finds himself in and all its developments. I know that life had been rough for him for a while now, and getting a divorce isn't the easiest thing to do, even if both parties want it. Perhaps there was some promise when they wed nearly four years ago, I don't know (I wasn't there, after all). I hope they will always care about each other and that they wish each other well in their new lives, but I don't know if that is going to happen. It's not for me to say.

    I will do my damnedest to make him happy, if I am so blessed. I have always cared about him, and I think he sees that now. We'll have to play this by ear and see what shakes out.


    Another one???

    What is it with the thunderstorms lately??? It raining like nobody's business out there!

    Just keep the tornadoes away from here!


    Hypothetical question

    How do I phrase this?

    Okay, how's this: Saon does not know about this blog. He has no idea the things I've said about him (mostly good) and our relationship (my feelings, mostly), and other things about the goings on in my life (and my relationship with him is definitely a "goings-on" in my life).

    Knowing how I'd react if someone I cared about kept a blog that mentioned me in the context of their daily life, I don't know if I should continue to keep this blog going. After all, it's not a private blog, everything I say here is "out there" for the world to read. How do I know if some of the nearly 1500 people who have visited ~*Mi Vida Loca*~ are people who know him (or worse yet, know his ex)?

    Do I keep going and just not mention Saon in it anymore, or do I tell him at some point of this blog's existance and let him decide whether I continue with it? I know that there are some things in his life that he'd like to keep private, but I don't think that I've spilled too much about him here. Most everything I've written about him has been based on what he's told me, or my feelings about him and our relationship. There are definitely some aspects of his life that I will never mention here, because 1) it's not relavent to the dialogue and 2) it's not my place to tell. What happened in his life before we met is something I have little knowledge about, and what little I do know is based, again, on what he has chosen to tell me.

    I guess I could keep this blog and make it private. It's been a public one for a year now, and what I've written is what is going on in my life as I write about it. For nearly two years now, he's been a significant part of my life. How do I write about my life without mentioning him in it?

    I wonder what people do in the event they find a blog or some other document on the internet that mentions them, or someone they know? Would they tell the person, "Hey, so-and-so is writing about you and posting it on the net."? Are there legal ramifications if the info that's posted is not true, or it embarasses the person, or some other circumstance that I've not mentioned?

    I know at some point, I should tell Saon about this blog. Perhaps, if we ever get our shit together and resume our lives together, then I will. That would be the fair thing to do, I think. I just don't want him to be angry that I've been so open with the details of my life and his part in it.

    I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.


    Wednesday, June 02, 2004

    And as quickly as it came's gone. We had about an hour of wild, wacky weather, then we had blue skies and sunshine again.


    Welcome to Oklahoma during tornado season. Tornadoes scare the crap outta me. Luckily, we just had a thunderstorm. But the wind was wild! Man, I thought it was gonna blow the roof off the house! It did blow the boxes Jeff left in the backyard around though.


    oh shit...

    We've got wind, rain, and hail goin' on here. Under a severe thunderstorm watch.


    Tuesday, June 01, 2004

    God, I'm so dragged out

    I felt good yesterday...but today, I feel like crap. I've been constantly sleepy, I'm in a great deal of pain, and I have a headache.

    So, how was your day? LOL

    I woke up this morning around 3:30am for absolutely no reason. I called Jon because I knew he'd be at work. We talked for about an hour. It was the only time all day that I haven't felt like a limp noodle. Turns out that he has to buy a new car because his '85 Caprice Classic is about to bite the dust. So it looks like that he isn't going to give me part of the settlement from his wrongful termination suit. Okay, I understand that he needs a car to get to and from work, but after all the help my parents gave us during our marriage (at his insistance), he could at least give some of that money to me. He says he's still gonna help with my DL dilemma, but God only knows when that will be. Jon does things on his own timetable, and if it doesn't directly benefit him, then he'll take his sweet time about doing it. He did the same thing about the divorce, even though it was him who broached the subject of our breaking up. See why I'm not married to him any more?

    Nothing more from Saon. He tries to call me when he's certain he'll be alone at the house, so I'm not worried that he won't call. He just wants to get out of there. He's had it, he's being treated like crap by Michele's family and Michele is being a bitch.

    We had all the kids here today. My sister brought Amalia, Joey and Marc, then Daniel brought Scott over later after Scott got out of summer school. Scott was in a snit because Marc "supposedly" borrowed one of his games without asking. I ended up taking both of their GameBoys from them until Tori came back for them.

    Sometime this week, Jeff and I are going to have to sign him up for orientation down at OU. The orientation day for his major (avaiation technology) is June 30th.

    And, what the hell is wrong with my blog this time???