Friday, April 30, 2004

In the middle of freakin' Tornado Alley...

why would anyone in their right mind live in a mobile home??? Tornadoes pick those things up like twigs and throw them across the landscape. So, what's wrong with this sentence: "I live in Oklahoma in a mobile home park."

About (hmmm) 16 years ago, my family (me, my ex, and our two oldest sons) rented a mobile home in Augusta, Georgia while Jon was stationed at Fort Gordon. I got nervous every time the wind blew hard. I swore when we moved out that I would never, ever live in one again. And I haven't. I'd rather live with my mother than live in a mobile home. C'mon, mobile homes in Oklahoma are just asking for trouble. There must be some secret to it, because people do live in them here, but what is it? Watch the weather a lot and when a tornado is heading your way, run like hell?

That's too much worry for me. I'd rather get into the bathtub with a mattress over my head.

I've lived through a couple of pretty intense hurricanes. I can handle those. Tornadoes scare the shit outta me.


Thursday, April 29, 2004

Out of bounds

A student at the University of Massachusetts Amherst named Rene Gonzalez wrote an article in the school paper criticizing Pat Tillman's service in Afghanistan. In short, this kid said that Tillman got what he deserved because he chose to join the Army and serve his country instead of playing pro football for a multi-million dollar salary.

Where does this kid get off saying this? Since when was serving your country something to be ashamed of? I feel that Pat Tillman is a role model to young people because he chose to walk away from fame, fortune and the trappings of it all to be a soldier. Tillman didn't want publicity when he left the NFL, because he didn't do it for the publicity. He did it to serve his country in a time of war, and ultimately died for his country. That makes him a hero in my book.

There are so few real heroes, so few people for youngsters to look up to. Instead of looking up to guys like Tillman, they look up to people like Kobe Bryant, Dennis Rodman, Ludacris, Tupac, et al. You don't see any of them (save for Tupac because he's deceased) giving up their cars, their women, their "bling-bling", their celebrity to join the armed forces (okay, maybe Rodman is a little old for that, but still...), do you?

Yes, I know that last paragraph may piss off a few people, but I don't care. Maybe that's what the student at UMass thought when he wrote his article, that he didn't care what people thought of his chastisement of Pat Tillman. He had the right to express his opinion, but that doesn't mean that I or anyone else has to agree with what he says. I feel his story was out of bounds. Tillman is no longer here to defend himself and his decisions, so others are doing it in his memory.

Including me.

UPDATE: Rene Gonzalez has since apologized to Tillman's family for his insensitive article.


Wednesday, April 28, 2004

It's finally happened after 16 months of listening...

there is something that I disagree with Bill O'Reilly about:


Specifically, the current story arc about B.D. losing his leg while fighting in Iraq. O'Reilly says that we the people don't need to be reminded that troops in Iraq are getting hurt, killed or maimed; that Garry Trudeau is trying to undermine the war by posting this story arc in the so-called "elite media".

Here's why I respectfully disagree with Mr. O'Reilly: sometimes, we just need to be reminded in a (not so) gentle way what the cost of war, any war, is about. Yes, maybe Trudeau didn't have to be so graphic about it (he could have told the story perhaps by playing it from the homefront, where his wife, Boopsie, is informed that B.D. was injured, and her reactions to same), however, on the other hand, unless one has been in that situation (and thankfully, I have not), we sit here stateside blissfully unaware of what the real toll is unless we've been there or know someone who has. In this way, we can see what B.D. is going through. After all, he's a fictional character, but the scenario is real, and hundreds of families here in the USA are going through this every day.

Do I care whether Bill O'Reilly reads Doonesbury? Not really. Reading, or not reading it is entirely his choice. He's entitled to think they way he does, and I'm entitled not to agree with him at times. I've never been the kind of person who follows someone on TV or the radio blindly, that disagreements are bound to happen. I've read all of O'Reilly's books, so I know where he stands on certain issues. And, I know what I believe in, and where I stand on certain issues. Granted, the issue I posted recently about the possible reactivation of the Draft is an emotional one for me because I have sons who are of Draft age, and I have very strong feelings about it.

Obviously, I don't agree with everything any one person says. As you may have noticed on the sidebar, I'm supporting John Kerry in the upcoming Presidential election, and sometimes I don't agree with everything he (Senator Kerry) says or does either. That is my right. And, it is my right to not like anything the current President does either. Know why? Because I use the brain God gave me to think for myself, to make my own decisions, to decide what is best for me and mine.

So, what does that make me? A conservative? A liberal? Am I on the far left or right? I don't know, and I don't care what my beliefs make me. I shun political labels just as I shun the ones on clothing. I just know that I have to live with my choices, whether it's for the leader of the free world, or whether I have a taco or a cheeseburger for lunch today.

I still love O'Reilly's show, save for this one issue. Sometimes, disagreement and debate is a good thing. It makes one think.

As always, I welcome comments, for good or ill. Let's make it a spirited debate, shall we?

(And if Mr. O'Reilly should read this -like that's about to happen- you can take me to task for any inaccuacies or misinterpretations. I'll still love ya!)


Tuesday, April 27, 2004

My ears hurt,

my throat's scratchy, it feels like someone's banging the drums in my skull, and my eyes are (damn it!) watering...

In other words, I feel like crap. And, I can't sleep. Oh. Great.


Monday, April 26, 2004

Forgive me for getting nostalgic on y'all

More Than A Feeling --Boston
From the CD Boston (1976)

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It's more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to
play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
as clear as the sun in the summer sky

It's more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to
play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

When I'm tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
and dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away. She slipped away.

It's more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to
play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

veddy interestink...

WebMD asks: How Healthy Is Your State?

1. New Hampshire. Last year: 2
2. Vermont. Last year: 1
3. Hawaii. Last year: 8
4. Iowa. Last year: 4
5. Minnesota. Last year: 5
6. Utah. Last year: 9
7. Nebraska. Last year: 3
8. Massachusetts. Last year: 6
9. Maine. Last year: 7
10. Connecticut. Last year: 11
11. New Jersey. Last year: 16
12. North Dakota. Last year: 10
13. Washington. Last year: 12
14. California. Last year: 14
15. Oregon. Last year: 19
16. Wyoming. Last year: 20
17. Kansas. Last year: 15
18. Rhode Island. Last year: 17
19. South Dakota. Last year: 13
20. Idaho. Last year: 21
21. Wisconsin. Last year: 23
22. Virginia. Last year: 22
23. Montana. Last year: 18
24. Ohio. Last year: 26
25. Michigan. Last year: 28
26. Pennsylvania. Last year: 24
27. Colorado. Last year: 25
28. Indiana. Last year: 27
29. Kentucky. Last year: 31
30. North Carolina. Last year: 29
31. Illinois. Last year: 32
32. Maryland. Last year: 35
33. New York. Last year: 33
34. West Virginia. Last year: 30
35. Alaska. Last year: 36
36. Tennessee. Last year: 37
37. Missouri. Last year: 34
38. Arkansas. Last year: 43
39. Oklahoma. Last year: 40
40. Arizona. Last year: 41
41. Florida. Last year: 44
42. Georgia. Last year: 42
43. Texas. Last year: 39
44. Delaware. Last year: 38
45. Nevada. Last year: 45
46. South Carolina. Last year: 48
47. Alabama. Last year: 47
48. Louisiana. Last year: 49
49. New Mexico. Last year: 46
50. Mississippi. Last year: 50

You'll have to read the entire article for the criteria used to determine this year's listing. I'm rather surprised that California came in 14th, with all the smog and all that...but not surprised that Louisiana (48) and Mississippi (50) ranked where they did. In other words, as far as your health goes, they're nice places to visit...(no offense to those of you who live in MS and LA...both are beautiful states)

Guess my mind's made up...when I leave God forsaken Oklahoma, I'm goin' to New Hampshire! Maybe a certain Louisiana native will join me there..."you never know".


Sunday, April 25, 2004

I just realized this, but

I haven't written or edited my manuscript for a while, nor have I written any poetry (none worthy of being posted in my Write Here, Write Now blog). All I've done is write in this blog, and occasionally in my Fibromyalgia blog, Look What the Cat Dragged In. And, sorry I've been waxing political lately, but this war BS and GWB really are starting to piss me off.

(Stef quietly backs away from any opportunity to rant right now...)

There are other things going on in my life, like someone is trying to steal my mother's identity. Some dipwad opened up a cell phone account at Nextel, and it's deliquent, and a collection agency is now coming after Mom for what's owed. She filed a police report per the collection agency's instructions, and we're going to send off the case number to them on Monday. Mom thinks the person responsible is the woman who sold Mom's house in California four years ago, because the location of the person(s) who had the cell phone account is where this woman moved to after Mom's house was sold. She really screwed things up for Mom because this woman was supposed to file Mom's 2000 tax return (some special form relating to the sale of the house) and didn't and IRS is now looking to Mom for the taxes on the sale's proceeds. This'll be an ongoing saga, I'm sure...

Scott called me yesterday to announce that he got all A's and B's on his latest report card. This is the almost 13 year old who sometimes needs to be almost velcro'd to a chair because he's so high strung. I'm quite proud of him, as he wasn't doing so well before, but it looks like we finally got the dosage of his meds right so he can concentrate on school (he has ADHD).

And my 10 year old Marc is making his First Communion tomorrow morning. So I better get my ass to bed!


Friday, April 23, 2004

There is nothing wrong with this picture

...or any of the others that have been released. This is not the photo that was printed in the Seattle Times, but one of many that were shown on the internet after they were obtained by a private citizen through the Freedom of Information Act. This is the reality of war, that soldiers die, and flag draped coffins are what they come home in.

What's the White House trying to hide? This isn't propaganda, this isn't a protest, this is REALITY Mr. President. We should not have our news censored. Greta Van Susteren had a poll over at FOXNews, asking if it was right to have the flag draped coffin pictures shown to the general public, and an overwhelming majority said that it was right, that we should not have our news sanitized.

All I want from my news is THE that too much to ask?

In closing, I'd like to express my condolences to the family of former Arizona Cardinals star Pat Tillman, who was killed fighting in Afghanistan. This man gave up a multi million dollar contract to serve his country, and he made the ultimate sacrifice. He's a real hero...

(12:44am CDT 4/24/04: My God, he's the same age as Saon!)


"Son of a bitch!"

If you follow Doonesbury, you know what this is about. BD is a reservist serving in Iraq. He was injured in a strip earlier this week, and he's just now realized he's lost part of his leg.

I like Doonesbury because Garry Trudeau isn't afraid to ruffle a few well placed feathers. He's always right on top of current events, and this is no exception. I heard that some papers freaked out when they found out what BD said upon seeing his stump. If they think that people don't use that kind of language when faced with something like this, then they live in a fantasy world. Hell, I'd probably say the same thing if I were in that position!

I thought it was cool that, for the first time in the strip's 30+ year history, BD is seen without some kind of helmet on his head.


Flag Draped Coffins: what are they trying to hide?

One photograph of flag draped coffins cost one woman her job.

The Pentagon is defending their policy of not showing pictures of soldiers coffins. They say it's out of respect for the families of the deceased. I say BS! If it were MY child in one of those coffins, I'd not only want to see it, but I want to be there when it's taken off the plane. As a parent, I think I should have that right. It's called closure. It would help me to begin the grieving process.

I wanted to include the picuture, but apparently, it's been taken off the net.

The woman who took the picture, Tami Silicio, found the scene of the flag draped coffins moving. She wanted to share it with someone. It ultimately ended up being published in the Seattle Times, and Ms. Silicio lost her job because of it.

What is our government trying to hide? That people are being killed in Iraq? Hundreds of people are dying there, both men and women, and I truly think we deserve to see at least part of their final journey home.

I understand that makes some people uncomfortable. That's fine. I don't see it that way. I don't see it as a protest of the war. I don't see it as a political propaganda tool. I see it for what it is: a soldier's last journey home. Nothing more, nothing less.

My eighteen year old son signed up for the Selective Service yesterday. If (God forbid) he were to be sent to Iraq and lose his life, I'd want to see his coffin! I'd want the whole world to see it. I'd want to be at the airport when it's taken off the plane! As I said above, it would help me with the grieving process.

This whole war is making me mad. Why all the secrecy? Why are we even there? What about Bin Laden? Is getting him still a priority? Is this a play so that Bush can keep his job as the "war president"? The 1991 Gulf War lasted something like three months. This one has been going strong for over a year with no end in sight. Will the child I had in 1991 be fighting this war in five years? I'm not ready to go there quite yet, if ever.

Comments are welcome.


Thursday, April 22, 2004

The phone rang off the hook!

or, "Take a message, I'm sleepin'"

I think this is a personal record for me: three phone calls about jobs in a two hour span this morning. One was for a local job, and two were for jobs in New England.

I'm pretty psyched about this! Things are looking up, however slowly. And, JC sent me another uplifting email today. I'd copy/paste it here, but it is rather lengthy and personal. Suffice it to say that it was something I needed to hear during this time in my life.

Good thing I read it after the van died on Danforth in front of the high school. I had to call out AAA and everything. The engine just died right there. And people just don't get it that when a car is stopped in the middle of road with its hazard lights on, go the hell around it! Geez!!

I'd kill for a Pepsi right now!


Wednesday, April 21, 2004

And, yes

I'm ready for people to not agree with what I said in the previous post. If you don't agree, tell me so. If you do agree, tell me so. If you think I'm overreacting, TELL ME SO! Whatever your views, you can tell me by clicking on the comment link at the end of the post.

According to my referrer down there in the side bar, people are coming to this I want to hear from some of those people.


The words that strike fear in my heart:

Reinstituting the Draft

Goddamned Ralph Nader. Don't friggin give Bush any ideas!

I predicted this way back in the fall of 2001, right after 9/11, and everyone called me crazy. Back then, I only had one son about to become old enough to be drafted. Now I have two. The idea of having young men (after all, it's only 18 year old men registering for the Draft) being drafted to fight this war in Iraq, and possibly make the "ultimate sacrifice" for their country scares the shit out of me.

On the one hand, I can see where this might be a reality: the volunteer forces are being stretched way too thin. Asking reservists to spend up to a year in a hostile environment, away from their families, disrupting their lives, is not what they signed up for when they joined. The full time soldiers knew what enlisting would entail if it came to this point, and are prepared to take it on. But still, our men and women are dying over there on a daily basis, and for what? Is this really a war for oil? Were there never WMD's, and Bush lied to us to perhaps finish what his father could not? The only upside to this is that we got that despot Saddam Hussein in custody. There are clearly people there in Iraq who hate us, and want to do us harm in anyway possible.

On the other hand, I am the mother of an 18 year old and a 20 year old. A lot of the soldiers dying and getting hurt there are in the 18-24 age range. Am I going to be one of the mothers glued to the TV hoping NOT to hear her son's name mentioned as being hurt or killed? It's not like Cheney or Bush, or Ashcroft are going over there to fight. They just make the wars, but they'll send my kid over there to fight it in a heartbeat if a Draft comes to pass.

Another black mark for Bush in my book. Send one of your precious daughters over there, Mr. President, and maybe you'll see where I'm coming from.


Monday, April 19, 2004

4.19.95: nine years later

One man's thoughts about this sad day in history.

Since I've lived in Oklahoma, I've been to the bombing memorial on numerous occasions. I've taken the tour once, and that was a rather emotional experience for me. I'll take it again before I leave, when I'm not surrounded by some 100 high school students and adult chapperones.

Tim McVeigh has already been executed for this heinous crime; Terry Nichols is currently on trial in McAlester facing state charges. These punishments don't bring back those who were lost that day nine years ago, but closure may come for those left behind.

Never forget.


Oh, i can relate to these lyrics!

You're In My Head --Brian McComas

I don't know why I'm even calling
I told myself I'm through with falling
Right now I should be running from these thoughts of you
That just keep coming but I can't

You're in my head you're in my heart
You're in that song on the radio in my car
Even in my dreams
I feel your skin on my skin
Out of breath each day ends like it begins
You're in my head

I drove four hundred miles the other day
Biggest mistakes that I ever made
'Cause I saw you on every billboard sign
In every car that passed me by I saw your face

You're in my head you're in my heart
You're in that song on the radio in my car
Even in my dreams
I feel your skin on my skin
Out of breath each day ends like it begins
You're in my head

Ain't no trigger I can trip
No switch that I can flip
Even if I wanted to
You're in my head

You're in my head you're in my heart
You're in the song on the radio in my car
Even in my dreams
I feel your skin on my skin
Out of breath each day ends like it begins
You're in my head

You're in my head
You're in my head

Sunday, April 18, 2004

I don't want to get off on a rant here

(you've been warned)

Jon is really starting to piss me off. Has he totally forgotten what it was like to be unemployed and no one will hire you? Apparently he has, because all he could say during our most recent conversation was "keep looking" it was just that easy. He also suggested that I bug Dean about a doctor who would be willing to see me without getting paid...I know that's not going to happen because I've asked and there isn't. Running a medical practice is a friggin business, and if doctors saw every poor relation of a colleague, they'd be broke. Jon doesn't seem to friggin get it!

I asked if he'd gotten his settlement, and he said not to ask him again, because he said that when he paid his obligations, then he'd send me what's left. He and I both know what will be left: NOTHING! He'll spend all that money on himself. That's his M.O. If it's good for Jon then everyone and everything else can go to hell on a sled. He has convienently forgotten how I was the only one working when it was him who was unemployed, and I had to give him money. Now he's got money coming, and it's payback time, baby! He used my parents as a free bank for years, and as far as my mother is concerned, he owes her close to $50k. We have a hard enough time just getting him to pay child support!

If he backs out on his promise to help me with my little problem with my Drivers License, I hope he doesn't have the balls to show up here in OK expecting to be welcomed with open arms.

I'm not least I don't think so, but after all I did for him when he was in the position I'm in now, I think he needs to help me out. The whole time I was married to him, it was always him first and me and the kids second. As long as he got what he wanted, he frankly didn't care if we didn't have what we needed, be it groceries, clothes or rent.

Greedy, no. Bitter, hell yeah. How dare he tell me to "keep looking". What does he think I've been doing for the last 15 months? If I can't find work, I don't get paid; if I don't get paid, I can't pay for the things I need (like to see doctors). He's turned into a real asshole as of late.

All this is draining me. If I had the strength, I'd kick his ass. Literally.

/end rant


5'2.5". 100 lbs...and he can wear my shoes

and I, his! And, in about 6 weeks, Scott will reach that all important milestone: teendom! Thirteen!

And the kid already needs to shave...*sigh*


Saturday, April 17, 2004


1. We had Joey here all day while Dean was at work and everyone else went to a Scouts thing at Frontier City. Joey has a bad case of allergies, and he was really suffering when Dean came to pick him up. He was on meds, but I think they wore off. But, damn, that kid is the Energizer Bunny when he feels good!

2. I'm sleepy as hell, now though.

3. I got a incredible sub at Subway today. They piled on the onions and olives...damn!

4. My SSA disability hearing is Tuesday. I don't have a prayer. What I need is a friggin miracle!

5. Dru Sjodin, the midwestern college student who disappeared around Thanksgiving, was found. It's not good. I hope the bastard that has been accused to kidnapping and killing her fries in Hell. Here's another guy that should have never been let out of prison.

6. Jeff and the fraternity bash he got a postcard for last week: he tore it up in a million pieces. Frats do not interest him. The military's the only fraternity he wants to be involved in.

7. Still nothing from Saon since he called on 3/26. He told me that he wouldn't get to call much now that's he's living with Michele at her mother's. Why do I get the feeling that they all expect him to earn the money while the lot of them sit around on their asses doing nothing? I really want to know if their marriage is truly, no I don't. If things are meant to be between us, then they will; until then, I got to live my life

8. MorelaterZ--

Thursday, April 15, 2004

My horoscope for 4.15.03



Your dreams are enormous. Your excesses are legendary. On the down side, your current reality is only as big as your budget will allow. Hang onto your best reasons. Defer your well-intentioned promises until you can make good on them. Don't see this temporary setback as the end of the road. At the same time, be a better judge of wise financial decisions and your moment-to-moment abilities for making them. Things could get expensive if you're not careful, and who needs that kind of wet blanket on the fire of inspiration and ambition? You deserve a better future.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

All that trouble just because she wanted to be alone??

Audrey Seiler, the Wisconsin co-ed who supposedly staged her own kidnapping because she wanted to be left alone, was charged with 2 counts of obstructing police.

She said that it all got out of hand and didn't mean for it happen. Okay, sweetheart, but tell that to all the people in your Minnesota hometown, and the police officers and your friends and family who dropped everything to look for your sorry ass. You owe all those people and everyone in the USA who followed your bogus story on the morning news shows with concern, an apology. You obviously didn't think this one through, did you? Hell, honey, I've been depressed, too. Life doesn't get any easier unless you do something about your problem. Faking your own kidnapping isn't the way to do that. That just tells people you need help.

Maybe the best thing this girl has done is get psychiatric treatment, according to her family's attorney.

Read the article (click on Audrey's name at the top of this post) and draw your own conclusions. Remember, before you bitch at me about my views, I am entitled to those views. You might want to see the disclamer on the sidebar.


Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Someone is determined to get info about me-- but why?

Possibly it could be prospective employers, but I have a suspicion that a specific person of my acquaintence is trying to dig up dirt on me (I don't think it's Saon, though).

This "specific person" is someone I owe money to, and this person knows I haven't been able to find work since I've been in OK. If this person wants info about me, they could find a way to do it in a less stealthy way (ask me, perhaps?).

This person asked for my phone number several months ago, and like a dummy, I gave it to them. I thought they'd call, but it hasn't happened yet, and I seriously doubt it will.

I may have money to give them soon. I have to play it down until I know for certain I'm getting any funds. I'll have to kiss major ass when I do send this person money. They'll be lucky to get that meager amount, whatever it is. No way it's going to be the full amount. That is way beyond my means at this time.

If you are reading this, mystery person-- you have my email, you have my number. Get in touch with me so we can resolve this amicably, instead of using cloak and dagger tactics. I'm not contesting this debt, but you know my situation. Just come out and ask me any information you want to know.


I have an announcement to make...

I have a killer headache.

That is all. MorelaterZ--

Monday, April 12, 2004

My ex is a hypocrite

He's getting a settlement from a former employer for being unfairly terminated. First he tells me that he'll give me half, then he tells me he'll see what's left after he pays his obligations. Meanwhile, he has a job.

When we were still married and he was out of work (and not looking for work unless he was forced to), I carried him on my meager $10 an hour salary. We were barely making it when he DID work. Now the shoe's on the other foot, and he acts like he doesn't owe me a dime. This is the same man that has to be forced to pay child support by having his wages garnished...but he can afford cable internet.

Even if he doesn't think I have a stake in his settlement windfall, his kids do. He flippantly tells me to "keep looking" for work. What the fuck does he think I've been doing for the last 15 months? Sitting on my ass doing nothing (like he did)?

I think he owes me, but he threatens to not give me anything if I keep bringing it up. Hmmm, money has somehow become important now that I don't have any. How does he think I'm going to pay to see a doctor if I don't have any money? Hmmmm?

End rant.


Friday, April 09, 2004

This is nice...

JC wrote this in an email to me this morning:

I am sending much love and grace your way! : )
Great things will happen for you my friend!

Makes me feel a little better about myself these days. Thanks JC.


the friday five

the friday five for the week ending April 9, 2004:

1. What do you do for a living? When I am working, I'm an administrative assistant/customer service specialist.

2. What do you like most about your job? Interacting with the public

3. What do you like least about your job? Office politics

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____... not living up to my own expectations

5. What other career(s) are you interested in? I've been told I have a great voice, so at some point I'd like to go to broadcasting school and work in radio.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Say wha????

Who in the hell is trying tolook up info about me on the internet?? What do they want to know that I can't already tell them? Who is it? I have no friggin idea, and I'm not going to pay $20 to find out.

(That William Hung guy is on the Tonight Show, and my cat can sing better than that! I guess there's no accounting for taste.)

I have some ideas about who might be trying to find info about me, but without paying the fee to be a " POWER USER", I guess I'll never know.


I just don't feel like it...

I don't feel like writing anything. I have no desire to right now.


Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Getting my sleep on

...or not.

Welcome to the 16th consecutive year that I have been unable to get a decent nights sleeep. What happened in 1988 that caused this? Car accident in El Paso, TX perhaps. It makes sense. To me anyways.

FMS causes you to be unable to sleep. Depression causes you to sleep a lot, usually at the wrong time of day. Imagine having not gotten enough sleep but are still expected to go to work, school, or appointments. This has been my life for the past 16 years.

I know I need help with this, but, like other things in my life at present, it requires money I don't have.

End rant.


Monday, April 05, 2004

Waiting For You

Artist: Seal
Album: Seal IV

Everyday, a shade of blue
You won't believe
What I'm going through
It just feels like I can't afford to let myself go
No, oohooo no...

Everyone is just the same
They touch me
But I can't say

There has been no one brighter than you
I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake 'cause
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

Heavenly, that's what you are
You're burnin' me like a shining star
How am I supposed to be that king without you's true yea

Everyone is just the same
They love me
But I can't say

There has been no one brighter than you
I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake yeaaahh...
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

Heeeeeeeey yeaaaah

There has been no one brighter than you
I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake 'cause
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

I have seen no (light) brighter than you
And I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake yeeaah yeah
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

Eeeeehhyea...for you
Ba ba ba ba ba oowww
Yeeeah yea yeah

Everyday I sit down and I feel like I'm waiting
For you
I've been waiting for you
For you

I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Blog Survey

If you have a blog, you might want to take this survey. The author is going to publish the results in his blog in the near future.

More from me laterZ--

Friday, April 02, 2004

I had a sneaking suspicion that this was not what it seemed...

Audrey Seiler made it all up. But why, only Audrey knows.

Did she need attention so bad that she staged her own abduction? Was the attack on her in February a fabrication as well? Again, Audrey is the only one with the answer to that question.

Maybe the next thing she should be doing is getting mental health counselling, ya think?

That's my opinion. MorelaterZ--

Thursday, April 01, 2004


From the CD A Crow Left of the Murder
by: Incubus

I hear you on the radio
You permeate my screen, it's unkind but
If I met you in a scissor fight
I’d cut off both your wings on principle alone
On principle alone

Hey megalomaniac
You’re not Jesus
Yeah, you’re no fucking Elvis
Special, as you know yourself, maniac
Step down
Step down

If I were your appendages
I’d hold open your eyes
So you would see
That all of us are heaven sent
There was never meant to be only one
To be only one

Hey megalomaniac
You’re not Jesus
Yeah, you’re no fucking Elvis
Special, as you know yourself, maniac
Step down
Step down

You’re no Jesus
You’re not Elvis
You’re no answer

Hey megalomaniac
You’re not Jesus
Yeah, you’re no fucking Elvis
Special, as you know yourself, maniac
Step down

Slowly, the BS is stealing my sanity...

There are some days that I have to fight the feelings that I am worthless and unimportant. It gets to the point that I think the world would be better off without me to kick around anymore, then I have to have a reality check. I have to remember that Second Agreement: Don't take anything personally.

This is so hard for me. I mean, how can I NOT take it personally? I have no job, I'm disabled, I can't seem to get anyone is this damned state to help me, and I want to wallow in my own self-pity.

I know I can't do that though, because I am a better person than that. I have to keep on keepin' on, and on some days, and some weeks at times, it is very tempting to just give it all up.

Someone, somewhere, has to cut me a break. I have to get out of Oklahoma soon, or I will go mad, quite literally. I'm nearly there now.

(when I feel better)