Saturday, November 29, 2003

Insert foot "A" into mouth "B"

Saon called me yesterday afternoon. Seems that Michele has gone home until the end of the year to get her stuff to move down to Gretna. Saon had just gotten home from taking her to the bus station when he called me. I teased him by saying, "When Michele's away, Saon will play, eh?" He said he would have called me anyway, because he'd been trying to reach me all week. Then he said, "You sound sick."

I told him I was, that I had the flu, but was feeling better.

We talked for about an hour, and I made the mistake of criticizing Michele. I told Saon I didn't think she was good for him because they had been apart more than they'd been together, that they fought all the time. Saon didn't take too kindly to that. I told him that she was my rival for his affections, but since she was still married to him, I guess that anything that he and I might have had was a moot point. Again, he says, "you never know."

He says she's changed, has matured some, lost about 75 lbs, and doesn't dress like a cowgirl anymore. Instead, she dresses like some hip hop princess. What a cliche! Is she trying to win him back by being just like him? Doesn't this girl have any individuality at all??? Even if I liked hip hop, I wouldn't dress like a rapper. I don't dress like the rock stars I like, I dress like me. I like my style and don't have to follow some lame fashion trend to look good. I know I look good!

I asked him if there was any possiblilty that Michele's family may talk her out of moving to Louisiana, and Saon said he didn't think so because Michele and her mother aren't getting along (I think I know why they're not getting along, but I'll keep that to myself).

I still don't hold out any hope for them. If Saon thinks that a change in attitude on Michele's part (being done solely for his benefit in a bid to get him back, I'm sure) and aping his clothing style is going to make their marriage work, then he is sadly mistaken. Those two need counseling to get to the root of their problems. A change in location ain't gonna fix it.

But I could be wrong...I don't think I am though. I just want him to be happy. I just got this feel this isn't going to do that for him.

Time again for...

the FridayFive for the week ending November 28, 2003:

1. Do you like to shop? Why or why not? When I have money I like to shop. Why? Because! LOL

2. What was the last thing you purchased? A Sierra Mist

3. Do you prefer shopping online or at an actual store? Why? I'd rather shop online because I hate malls and places like that at this time of year.

4. Did you get an allowance as a child? How much was it? Yes, and it was not much by today's standards

5. What was the last thing you regret purchasing? The bus ticket to see Saon in September. If I'd known then what a disaster it would be, I'd have never gone.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.47

1. It is a lovely 21 degrees here in Oklahoma, and since walking in from the parking lot, I can't seem to warm up. I've got the coffee to my right and the space heater to the left and the non-functional central heat blowing above me. What do you do to get warm when you are very cold? Wrap my hands around something warm, like a coffee cup

2. What is the first thing you do in the morning after you get up? Put my glasses on so I can see what I'm doing

3. I mentioned earlier in the week that Sub Hunt was one of the first arcade games I ever remember playing. Many years later I would become equally entranced by the Atatri 2600 (ugh, I am showing my age now, aren't I?). Do you remember the very first video game you ever played (arcade, handheld, console, etc.)? What do you remember about that experience? Pac Man, Frogger, Galaga, Donkey Kong...arcade games circa 1980's (I'm showing my age too...don't feel bad)

4. Do you have a good memory or do you find that you need to write things down to remember them? I have a pretty good memory, but I will write things down occasionally

5. I am currently really getting a kick out of the Citibank Citicard commercials about Identity theft, to the point of quoting them out loud (which no one gets, I really need new some geeky-er friends). What are some of your all-time favorite television commercials? The Fed-Ex commercials that had the guy who talks real fast, and the M&M's one they show every holiday season where Santa and the M&M guys realize the other exists.

6. Since Thanksgiving is this week, I felt like I just had to throw in the obligatory food question, so here goes. Do you have a favorite Thanksgiving food that is made by one person, and no one makes it better? If not, then what is your favorite food to eat at Thanksgiving? (Those who don't celebrate Thanksgiving feel free to insert your favorite fall food) Mom makes the best Candied Yams!

7. Wireless telephone companies will now let you move your cell number to another carrier, or move your land line number to your cell. Not only is this incredibly convenient, it forces cell phone companies to be more competitive. Are you planning to switch cell phone companies as a result of this new law, or possibly pit two companies against each other for a better deal? no

BONUS: Where? Where else?

I wish it were a damn cold...

I have the flu! I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck.

But, I'm at the library anyway because I'm waiting for Daniel to get out of class. His car is in the shop and Dean takes him to school everyday.

I miss Saon. I wish I were spending Thanksgiving with him in Gretna instead of Michele.


Monday, November 24, 2003

I have an announcement to make...

(drum roll, please)

I feel like shit! I've caught a damn cold!

That is all. Now taking you back to your regularly scheduled life.


Don't give me false hope...

I talked to Saon last night. I was awake, because I called him.

He was telling me of his and Michele's plans for Thanksgiving, that she isn't the bitch he left in Minnesota last May (leopards don't often change their spots. I'm sure as I sit here that she has an ulterior motive), that he really doesn't care if it works out or not, that if she decides to leave, he isn't going to stop her.

I told him that I had been thinking of him in a way that is now inappropriate now that it appears he's back with Michele, and that it would be unlikely that we'd be together again, but he says, "you never know."

Please, Saon, don't give me false hope. It's gonna kill me.

We talked about the carnival book some, and he still wants me to send him a copy of what I've already written (he's aware that it's not finished).

He said he'd call me later, but he never did. Guess it was late when he got back from his run last night. I probably won't hear from him until Friday in that case. After tonight, he has the next three days off.

I can't allow him to hurt me again. Just a few weeks ago, he wanted to resume a life with me, then he invites the Ice Bitch to visit. He's not aware (or if he is, he just doesn't care) that he has hurt me deeply. My love alone wasn't enough. That makes me sad.

I hope he realizes someday what he's lost. I'll always love him and hope he's really happy, but I get the feeling he's just going thru the motions right now.


Sunday, November 23, 2003

Right now, in Oklahoma City, the temperature is...

FUCKIN' COLD that's what!

It could be worse, I could be in New England or Minnesota right now, bitching about the snow. Fortunately, I don't feel a need to bundle up. I guess my blood's still thick from 3 years of living in Massachusetts.

On to other things...

I'm hanging out at the library with Jeffrey because it is too cold for him to go to Sea Scouts...I don't know exactly where in the library he is, but he can't get home without me...

Saon called me 6 friggin o'clock this morning! I know he's only calling me from work because his bitchy supposedly soon to be ex is at his house. Why call me when he knows I'm asleep? Is it a psychological thing, get to me when I'm not apt to ask questions about how things are going with Michele.

Geez, me when I'm at least coherent enough to follow the conversation!


Saturday, November 22, 2003

Forty years...

Today is the 40th anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy. For those of you out there who are old enough: where were you and what were you doing when you heard the news?

I am not old enough to remember that day. My mother was pregnant with me at the time. I wasn't born until the following February.

And, for 40 years, people have been speculating on what really happened in Dallas that day. Did Lee Harvey Oswald really act alone, or was he a scapegoat? Was it a conspiracy by the government because of Kennedy's alleged ties to the mob? His affair with Marilyn Monroe? Does the Zapruder film show Kennedy being shot from the front of the motorcade by someone on the "grassy knoll"? Were the autopsy photos faked to prove the government's contention that Oswald acted alone?

Personally, I think that Kennedy was shot from the front, that Oswald was set up, and the fact it took place in Texas, and Johnson was from Texas is a little suspect. Did Kennedy stand in the way of an all out war in Vietnam? These are things we may never know, because the majority of the players are dead.

But, that ain't gonna stop people from finding out. Let's see what's known in ten years.

I don't even want to think that far in the future-- I'm having a hard enough time with turning 40 thank you...


It's Official!

I'm a 2003 Nano Winner! I got my winners icon there above where the participant one had been. I am so stoked!

I want to share this with someone. But, that someone is with someone else who is totally bad for him.

I'm still going to send a copy of the 160 pages I have now to him, and if she reads it, so be it. She should know the truth about him and me. She hasn't been as pure as the driven snow either...she has a black heart, but he can't see that.

But-- I am happy about winning NaNo! Now to finish the first draft so I can get to work on the second draft (second draft= first draft - 10%)


Friday, November 21, 2003

"what time is it?"

Saon called 1am this morning. He was at work.

I asked how things were going with Michele and he said, "okay, I guess." Then he told me that Michele wants to move there to get away from the snow in Minnesota. And me, being half asleep, said something like, "yeah until the first time you two have a fight." (If I had been more awake, I wouldn't have said it), to which Saon said that if it got to the point of someone leaving, it would be her, because he isn't leaving Louisiana.

I just have this feeling this reconciliation with Michele is not going to work. First, he called me. Second, he told me he still loves me. I'm confused.

I just don't want to see him unhappy. If Michele stays, that's what will happen.


and now, once again boyz and grrlz, it's

the friday five for the week ending November 21, 2003:

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
Getting a job that I can keep (instead of temp jobs); Being able to move out of my mother's house (and hopefully out of Oklahoma); Finish the first draft of my book; Get my car fixed; See a doctor.

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.
Vicki, Amber, and Josie from my stint at the carnival; my best friend Cynthia from high school; and Pat (a man, BTW), my first serious relationship after my divorce (in 1999)

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.
Surf, ski, computer aided design, draw (not doodle, I can do that already), and relearn the guitar

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).
Pay off my mother's mortgage, buy myself a house, a car for myself and each of my kids who drive, give to charities, and invest my winnings so I'd never have to work again. (More: pay for college for all my kids, my niece and nephew, pay off my sister's student loans, finish my degree)

5. List five things you do that help you relax.
Music, good friends, a quiet place near the ocean, a long road trip, a good book

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Think positive

JC's venerable advice: think it and it will happen.

I miss JC. I haven't seen his smiling face in person in about a year now.

I hope that when I go to Mass. (in January i'm thinking), that we'll get to spend some time together (no not in that way!).

And, I'm still thinking about Saon. I hope all is well.


Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Diversionary tactic alert! LOL

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.46

1. I read an article that said the reason many people like hot and spicy food is because that pain actually causes them pleasure. Do personally find a connection between pleasure and pain? Could be. John Mellencamp sang "Hurts So Good."

2. On the local NPR station their was a news item that about a recent study which said men who do housework get more sex. What do you think about that? Why would that be the case? It has nothing to do with housework! How much of my taxpayer dollars were wasted on that study? And why are you listening to NPR?

3. A friend and I were talking about the stigma attatched to divorce. He said that men can usually be divorced and not have much social backlash, but that women are often looked at as having failed in some way. The church especially, he said, tended to look down upon divorced women as if it were totally their fault and not the man's. Do you think there is a double-standard when it comes to men and women and the stigma of divorce? Hell, yeah. As a divorcee, I think that if people think I am the cause of the divorce, then they should really get to know me better. My ex was not blameless. My ex is a lazy SOB, and doesn't even try to support his kids.

4. On that same topic, I just read an article (look on Google News) that said parents with daughters are more likely to divorce than parents with sons. Do you think there is any validity to this? No. My parents were married for 37 years (until my father died). If the union is strong, then it will survive. If not, then it is doomed, regardless of the gender of any offspring.
5. Do you think the way a Father raises his daughter has an impact on the type of men she will eventually have relationships with? No. If that were true I'd have married a boring man with a dull job. My father wasn't boring, but a lot of men who work in the same field as my father did tend to be kinda boring. I need (and crave!) excitement.

6. Have you ever found your body craving some sort of food? Meat, chocolate, fruit and even water, the body tends to know what it needs. Do you get food cravings? Which are the most powerful? Sometimes, I'll get a craving for a certain kind of food, like Chinese. Yesterday, I just had to have a salami sandwich!

7. Do you have any type of skills you can "fall back on" if you needed to change careers suddenly? I do, and I have.

BONUS: Ain't that a shame? Yes, isn't it?


I can't stop thinking about him, and being with him. It should be me in Gretna now and not her!

I gave him the best I had, and he can't see it for what it is!

You don't know what you have until it's gone. Do you know what you have? Well, you?

Sadly, I don't think he does. He goes back to that which is familiar, and I already know that will make him miserable. Why does he keep pushing me away? Is he afraid that a relationship with me will actually work? Does he think he's not worthy of someone who truly cares for and about him?

Familiarity breeds contempt. Why does that echo in my brain?

He never really gave us a chance. I should give up, but I can't. I know we have a future. I feel it in my bones. That gut feeling about him just won't go away.

I want him to be happy. Even if it's not with me. I truly don't think he is.


Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Who am I kidding...

I'm not going to give up without a fight. I guess I have to decide if it's worth fighting for.

Last night, I wondered if I just plain wasted the last 16 months of my life, that I should have never gone back up to Bangor in July 2002 to meet Saon. That I should have never started this with him, I wouldn't be where I am now. Then, I thought, I would have been so less enriched by what he did teach me, and probably still having one night stands with guys at Salisbury Beach, or in an illicit affair with JC. Like that would have been better?

I damned Michele with some language that I will not repeat here. I don't even know this girl, but I know what she's capable of. She's stringing along a dear friend of mine by pretending to want to work on their marriage, when that's probably not her intention at all. And I find the timing of this a little too much of a coincidence: it was a year ago on Friday (11/21) that Saon left Massachusetts to go back to Minnesota to be with her, because of some imagined medical problem, that I never heard the outcome of. Now her sister's sick and Michele is playing the "I'm so stressed, Saon, I need to get out of here for a while" card. Of course he fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

He told me he was done with her, and he wouldn't go back. Yeah, right, and I'm the Tooth i'm going to believe that line again (or anything else he says).

I'll call him at work tomorrow night and see how things went. He hasn't taken my calls at all in the last couple of days, so maybe that's his answer. I don't want to think that, but all signs are pointing in that direction. I thought he was a better man than that, that he had the balls to tell me the truth.


Monday, November 17, 2003

Feeling better my ass!

If anything, I feel worse!

Michele will be in Gretna tomorrow. I can't get Saon on the phone. Maybe this is the beginning of the end of my relationship with him and I should just move on and wish him luck.

Like that will be easy to do. I still love him despite everything. I just have this gut feeling that even with a change in location, this just ain't gonna work.

I do want him to be happy, but after all this time, if they can't figure out how to make their marriage work or really want to work at it, then they should just say goodbye and get the divorce out of the way.

As I've said before, history is not on their side. This isn't wishful thinking on my part. I've heard all of the complaints that Saon has had about Michele, and nothing has changed. Just a few weeks ago, he told me that "when I said I am done [with Michele], I am done."

Watch (and I hope that i'm wrong about this), something will happen during this visit that will have her packing her bags. Saon is on his turf now, and she doesn't have a prayer if they get into a fight. What can her family do for her if she's there and they're in Minnesota? All I can see is buy her a ticket home and talk her into finally divorcing this man they all cannot stand.

The last thing these two need is to bring a child into this disaster. I told Saon this a year ago. If he cares at all about any child of his, he will not doom him/her to be born into a failed marriage. And that's exactly what their marriage is: a failure. They've never had counseling, and each wants to be the boss. Michele controls everything Saon does. Soon, he will not be able to dress as he likes, see who he likes, or act as he likes. And I will be getting calls from him for his job complaining about her. He will be miserable.

I hope I'm wrong this time, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'm not.

Saon, if you need a friend, I am here for you.


Sunday, November 16, 2003

I'm not having a good day...

Somethings put me in to a deep blue funk. I hate it when I get this way and have no idea why. I don't think it's because of the situation with Saon's alleged ex coming to visit. I really hope they can work things out, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Somewhere along the line, someone's gonna get pissed off.

It's probably not about my lack of prospects for finding work.

What I think it is, is that I'm nearly 40 years old and I am in the lowest point in my life. I have no job, no Saon, no prospects, and I'm feeling like I'm drowning.

So maybe it is a combination of all the above. I just don't want to do anything.

I know I need to have this taken care of, because it will eventually drive me mad. My family hates me (okay, it's just my sister that hates me), and I feel like I am not welcome here anymore. But I have nowhere else to go...

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.



Saturday, November 15, 2003

I did it! (bounces around room with glee)

I made 50k!

Actually, my NaNo story has 51k plus words, 148 pages, and it's not even done yet! But I made it to the 50k mark! And I did it all in two weeks!

For the rest of the month, I'm just gonna keep pluggin' away at it. I know how it's going to end now, I just have to write the rest of Bourne, all of Dedham, Topsfield, and the two months back in Lawrence, then I can skip ahead to a brief description of when Sara moves to Oklahoma, and her trip to Mississippi to meet up again with Sean.

Saon wants to read it when I'm done, but with Michele going to be there, I don't know if that's a good idea. She may figure out what it's really about and then the shit will hit the fan.

I think I'll send it anyway. Heh heh heh (evil laugh)...


Friday, November 14, 2003

He's baaaack...

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.45

1. I've found myself using abbreviations and acronyms a lot when I "talk tech" with other geeks like me. I rattle off things like "I took the Jay-Peg into Photoshop and made it into a Jiff for the EightchTeeEmmElle. Then took the Kadd and saved it as a PeeDeeEff with EechsEmElle. So now I'll blog this for you in EmmTee in my PeeDeeAyy so you can use your ArrEssEss reader, hope this isn't too OhhTee. BeeArrBee." Do you ever sling slang from your area of expertise around accidentally and leave folks scratching their heads? Do you feel left out when others start speaking in terms specific to their industry? Gimme some examples!
I worked for a carnival for a few months in 2002, and after I left, I was still using carny jargon in my everyday speech (didn't help that my b/f was a carny and spoke that way all the time). I've since stopped doing that in conversations, but because the book I'm writing is set in a carnival, I've had to use it again (but just while I'm writing)

2. My hotel room this past weekend was on the 8th floor. I rode the elevator a LOT. There is a lot of unspoken elevator etiquette, you know? Here are some of my observations (this is freestyle here - add to them or just tell me what you think) When to hold the door, when to let it shut. Do you put your hand in to re-open it if you are too late to get in? Do you hit the "open" button if you see someone running to the door? Do you press the numbers for everyone? Where do you look as you are going to your floor when you are in there with someone you don't know?...
A lot of "elevator etiquette" is just common sense. If you're standing by the panel with the buttons on it, and there's a crowd of people, then you should ask what floor they want, just to be nice.

3. Some of the meetings at the conference were just plain dull, I almost fell asleep a few times. How do you make it through a boring conversation or meeting when you are feeling drowsy?
Look around discreetly, doodle on your notepad, look at your watch, and try not to think about how sleepy you are. Oh, and don't rub your eyes.

4. Do you enjoy flying on commercial airlines? Ever flown First Class?
I don't enjoy flying, but will do it if I have to be somewhere in a hurry. I've sat in first class once, when I got upgraded from coach. I was on my way to my father's funeral in California at the time.

5. When I book my airfare, I always try to book an aisle seat on the left by the exit doors. That way you have more legroom, and being a "righty" I am able to move my arm and elbow without jabbing someone's belly. When you fly, where do you like to sit?
A close to the bathroom as possible. Flying makes me nervous and being nervous makes me want to go to the bathroom alot.

6. Have you ever jumped to conclusions and griped someone out, then later learned you didn't have all the facts? Or had it happen to you? What was the real story?
I've done both, so before I confront someone, I make sure to know the whole story first. Usually when it happens to me, it's because the person making the accusations doesn't have all the facts and is not interested in getting them.

7. At the conference, I saw several "Tablet PCs" and now I really want one. And Digital MP3 player. I don't ask for much. Do you have any techno-lust going on?
I want a new laptop, so when i travel, I can still write.

BONUS: Where do you go, my lovely? Anywhere but where I'm at now.

I don't want to go off on a rant here...

I spent yesterday afternoon looking for a job at the local mall...any job. I filled out applications until my fingers went numb. Hopefully, something will come of this.

My mother is still bitching about my getting some sort of income. Basically, she doesn't believe that I am really looking. What does she thinks I go to the library for? I'm not playing on the internet the whole time. If she's going to blame me for all her financial problems, she should just come out and say so, instead of this beating around the bush shit that she's so good at.

I am thisclose to leaving Oklahoma and never coming back. As soon as I get a job, and save some money, I'm so out of here. I thought home was the place that when you showed up, they have to let you in, but they're doing a damn good job letting me know I'm no longer welcome.

Fine. I'll leave. I'll break ties with the lot of them, and then it will be left to my sister to tell my younger boys the truth as to why I left. She won't though (tell the truth), because anything I do, the outcome is always going to be my fault. And I couldn't do that to my boys. My sister knows that I'm not able to take them back now, and she lords it over me everytime I talk to her, whether she realizes it or not.

And, I admit, some things are my fault. I take full blame and responsibilty for them. I get the feeling that my sister thinks that my very existence is my fault, that they'd all be better without me. Careful what you wish for, just might get your wish.


the friday five

the friday five for the week of November 14, 2003

1 Using one adjective, describe your current living space:

2 Using two adjectives, describe your current employer:
employment challenged

3 Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/pasttime:
fun, exciting, stimulating

4 Using four adjectives, describe your typical day:
frustrating, boring, inadequate, combative

5 Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life:
blissful, peaceful, helpful, caring, productive

Thursday, November 13, 2003

He's doing another one of his get rich quick schemes...

And he has the brass cajones to send me the URL?

My ex-landlord in Massachusetts, who I've managed to stay friends with, sent me the URL to another independant contractor thing he's involved with.

He knows I'm about as interested in his "business" as I am in Saon's rap music, but he sent me the damned info anyway. And the website has his ugly mug on it, so I'm definitely not interested.

Once upon a time, I might have been. But after the episode right before I moved when he got jealous of my having Saon live with me, he pretty much blew it.

This is a man pushing 60 years old...what was I thinkin'?


Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Michele, part 3

I can't seem to get this out of my head: all the reasons Saon and Michele's reconciliation will fail (again)

*She has to be in control.
*So does he.
*The minute they get into a serious fight, Saon will tell her to "pack up your shit and leave."
*She's leaving her home base, i.e. her family won't be there, so if they get into a fight, she can't run home to mommy.
*She'll try to change Saon, from the way he dresses to who he hangs out with.
*He'll resent it.
*The only thing good between them is...(you guessed it) sex.

After talking with him, he doesn't seem to care very much if they will work it out or not. "If it happens, it happens."

He doesn't need this right now. He doesn't even know what he wants! After all the names he called her when he left in May, and his swearing it was over and there was no friggin way he'd take her back, I'll be very surprised if Michele stays long enough to work things out. She hasn't exactly been hurtin' for male companionship.

I'm not holding my breath!

If it doesn't work out, I'm not so sure that I'll be there to take him back. And for what? Go thru all this again?

If he wants a life with me, then he has to show me he does, or else I'm done. It'll be a wrap.


Tuesday, November 11, 2003

All I Have To Offer You Is Me

I hope this message finds you well.
I guess you're happy, as far as I can tell.
I've never stopped caring for you, on that you can bet;
And maybe we'll be together yet;
But for now, I'll have to let you see,
That all I have to offer you is me.

No fancy schmancy things I've got,
Because right now, I have not.
I know I can not compete with your past;
And, not even you are sure it will last.
I wish you well, this I can see,
As all I have to offer you is me.

Remember me because I cared;
And all the good times we shared,
they were not in vain, were not for naught;
For in my heart are the lessons you taught.
Love is thy name you will agree
And all I have to offer you, is me.

©2003, all rights reserved.

Michele, part 2

(for part 1, click here)

I talked to Saon last night. He was working in the French Quarter over the weekend to earn a little extra money. Then he dropped a bombshell on me...again.

He called his soon-to-be-ex, Michele, because he had a "bad feeling" about her. Turns out that her sister is ill and Michele can't handle the stress, so she's coming to Gretna next week to see if she and Saon could work things out.

At least it's Michele and not some skanky (I hate that word, but it fits) "ho".

Didn't he learn his lesson the last time (about a year ago) he and Michele tried to "work things out"? These are two people, in my opinion and based on what I've been told and what I've seen, that should have never gotten married. They have been apart more than they've been together in the 3 years they've been married and the 4 years prior to that. When Saon left her last May, he swore that he'd never take her back. Every time I even mentioned Michele's name, he'd get mad.

So, I hope he makes a serious go of it this time, because I don't think I will take him back if he leaves her again.

I told him I hoped he didn't do to her what he did to me when I was there in September, and he said he wouldn't. "So it was okay for you to cheat on me?" He said no it wasn't, but it's history now.

I don't think it's going to work, even with a change in location (Louisiana vs. Minnesota). Whatever problems were there before are still there, because neither of them have been to counselling. He'll get tired of her bossing him around.

I hope I'm wrong, but history is not in their favor.

Saon says he's going to still call me, and we'll still be friends. I just want him to be happy, and I know he's not now, and he won't be when Michele starts pulling her old tricks.

What does it take for him to see this? For her to hurt him yet again?


Sunday, November 09, 2003

Hot Damn, I'm at 31k! And my life STILL sucks

In my NaNo novel, I've hit 90 pages and 31,000 plus words!! It doesn't even take up a quarter of a floppy.

Maybe this is my secret: decide on what you want to write about, reasearch it until November, then write your heart out.

In other news: I think Mom is feelign better since she went ot the doctor on Friday, but she still needs one more perscription filled and that won't be done until Monday.

I broke down and applied at the Wal-Mart by Mom's house. At this point, I'll take anything I can get.

Haven't been able to raise Saon on the phone. I have some questions about the book I need to ask him.

Jon gave me some good stuff about soldering, since my female protagonist did that as part of her job before she got laid off.

Speaking of seems that we are being sued by the family of the old man in whose house we rented rooms about 4 years ago. There was a water line break in the house while Jon lived there (after I moved out to live in Lawrence), and the place is now got a serious mold problem and says it's our fault because we didn't report the waterline break soon enough. One--why wait 4 years to tell us they thought it was our fault, and Two--since we didn't have access to the entire house, and the break occured in a part of the house that we didn't have access to, how were we supposed to know something was wrong?

So now it looks like I will have to go to Massachusetts in January to appear in court. Jon says he's going to talk to Legal Aid about this case, and he's going to find a way to get me back there. He's looking at trains right now.

My life sucks.

No money
No job
No Saon
No prospects

What did I do to deserve this?

Saturday, November 08, 2003

The Impossible

Joe Nichols, from the CD "Man With a Memory"

My dad chased monsters from the dark
He checked underneath my bed
An he could lift me with one arm
Way up over top of his head
He could loosen rusty bolts
With a quick turn of his wrist
He pulled splinters from his hand
And never even flinched
In thirteen years I'd never seen him cry
But the day that grandpa died,I realized

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

And then there was my junior year
Billy had a brand new car
It was late,the road was wet
I guess the curves was just too sharp
I walked away without a scratch
They brought the helicopter in
And Billy couldn't feel his legs
Said he'd never walk again
But Billy said he would and his mom and daddy prayed
And the day we graduated,he stood up to say:

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

So don't tell me that it's over
Don't give up on you and me
'Cos there's no such thing as hopeless
If you believe:

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

Friday Five

for the week ending November 7, 2003:

1. What food do you like that most people hate?

2. What food do you hate that most people love?
Peanut butter. I haven't been able to eat it since I was pregnant with my youngest son (age 10)

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?
Ben Affleck

4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find attractive?
Nicolas Cage

5. What popular trend baffles you?
belly button piercing, rap music, pregnant celebs baring their bellies

Friday, November 07, 2003

Help! The doctor's holding my mother hostage!

Okay, not just seemed like it. Mom had a doctor's appointment today, and since she hadn't been feeling well for a while, she had a whole battery of tests. All this took the better part of 2 1/2 hours! She got perscriptions that I dropped off at Wal-Mart's pharmacy, only to be told that one of them was unavailable. There is an equivalent OTC version, so I'm going to pick that up when I get her meds later today.

I heard a caller on O'Reilly's radio show talk about something called "associative disorder", whereas kids who don't have effective role models look to others for that role model. Specifically, disavantaged kids and rap music. These kids look up to their rap "heroes" as role models, to the point of emulating them.

Now in a post a couple days ago, I admitted that I didn't get the fascination with rap music. Now I think I get why I don't get's because I had role models growing up (and no they were not the rock n roll gods whose music I loved as a teen--and still do-- either). I wasn't "disadvataged" in other words. I had parents who took care of me, looked out for me, gave me all the advantages of an upper middle class, Republican-bastion Orange County, California upbringing. I lacked for nothing.

I know people now (one in particular, though I won't mention names) who didn't have an upbringing such as what I had. They had nothing, got nothing, and anything they did manage to get they had to work their asses off for. Those who rose above that and succeeded are saints in my book. There is one though, that if they stay where they are now, will never rise above their place in the pecking order unless they get out of that negative environment. The idea that they want to bring children into this negative environment scares me, because they'll be perpetuating the cycle and no one will escape...not the parent(s) or the child(ren). And rap music isn't going to help the situation, because the artists who made it out are only doing it to line their pockets and the hell with the kids who listen to, and believe in, their music.

To rap artists I say this: there are kids out there that believe everything your music stands for. If you are negative, then they will be as well, because they idolize you ("if it's good for Ludacris, 50 Cent, etc., then it's good for me"). Be real role models and give back to the communities you are so proud to be from. Treat women with respect, tell kids that drug dealing is NOT cool, and the money, fame, etc., will eventually run out. Then where will you be? More than likely, sad to say, you'll be six feet under. What kind of role model will you be then?

[End Rant]

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Is it too much to ask...

that if you want me to call you, to at least be available when I do get the opportunity to call?

Saon says, "Call me in 2 hours, tomorrow, etc." but then isn't home or available when I do call. I won't call him at work any more.

He knows the digits, he can call me if he's so inclined. He's so busy being "Mr. I'm a Bad Motherfucker", that he doesn't see anything else. He has no clue what he wants, just that he wants it (whatever "it" is).

His moving back to Gretna will come back to bite him in the butt. Sometimes, "home" is the last place someone trying to improve their station in life should be. He's falling into all those old (albeit expected) patterns, and he's not going to achieve jack if he stays. Stay in Louisiana if you want, but get the hell outta the West Bank!

I truly do care about him, but I think being in Gretna is going to be his downfall. I know he's not happy...he thinks he is, but really, he's not.

Maybe I should just cut him loose...but I can't seem to make that happen. If I'm going to break it off, I'll do it to his face. If that means waiting until February, then that's the way it has to be. None of this "Dear John" shit in a letter, email, or phone call. That's just cowardly.

He's going to have to show me he wants a life with me. If not, then I will have no choice but to end it.

Big words, Stef. You don't have the guts to do it...


Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Maybe I'm just a prude, but...

So, here I am, writing my NaNo novel, and I'm eventually going to come to the part about driving down Route 6 in Maine at 125 mph, and what I joking referred to as Sean's (my male protagonist) theme song: Move B--ch, by Ludacris. I just went to a lyrics site and looked up the lyrics for this song, and maybe it's a good thing I can't understand half of what rappers say, because the words are foul! I'll probably use the following:

"I'm goin a hundred on the highway/If you're doing the speed limit, get the fuck outta my way"

Am I a little too tight assed to understand what the great fascination with rap music is? At best, it describes life in a lot of the large cities in the USA; at worst, the language that is allowed (to be broadcast on the radio) is about as base as it gets. And kids listen to this stuff! I'm not so sure I'd like to be referred to as a "bitch" or a "'ho", or that all I'm good for is a one night stand.

And, once again, I'm glad I don't have girls (or boys who listen to rap. That Saon listens to it is bad enough, but he's an adult).

I didn't mean for this to be a rant. I just wanted to say that I just don't friggin' get it, and I'm not sure I want to.

(if my puter at home cooperates, that is)

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

late again

PromoGuy dot Net:

"PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.44"

1. This week the Episcopal Church USA installed the Rev. V. Gene Robinson was as a bishop of New Hampshire. This would probably not be news if Robinson were not an openly gay man. Critics are upset because their beliefs view bible to be condemning of homosexuality. Another point of view sees this as an opportunity for the church to reach a wider audience. What do you think of the church consecrating an openly gay person as Bishop? Should a person's sexual preferences be tied to religious beliefs? How do you think this should be handled? Should gay people in church leadership even be an issue?
No. God made gay people too, and this one serves Him. Everyone who opposes Bishop Robinson should just lighten the fuck up!

2. Have you ever supported an opposing viewpoint with someone just to 'push their buttons?' Ever been in a situation where you really didn't care for one side or the other, but just found it fun to watch someone get all worked up in an argument?
I do it all the time with my family. I do it for the shock value of it all.

3. If you had to pick one, on which of the 'Reality' shows do you think you do well?
Don't watch many of them.

4. Have you, or anyone you know, ever tried any 'alternative' healing practices or 'all natural' medication? How did it work out?
I'm always willing to try alternative methods. Because I have fibromyalgia, and conventional methods don't seem to help me without drugging me out, I'm actually looking into things like yoga and acupuncture.

5. If you cold write your own prescriptions, what is the first thing you would get?

6. Are you getting a Flu shot this year? Do you ever get them? Have you ever had to endure a round of the full-blown Flu virus?
Not getting a flu shot. Never had one because I'm not in the high risk group (young children and the elderly). I've had the flu more times than I can count.

7. On television commercials, when men get sick they are portrayed like big whiny babies. Based on your personal experience, do you think this is an accurate depiction?
My ex, all of my sons, and my boyfriend all act like that.

BONUS: Girlfriend, how could you let him treat you so bad?
I don't know :(

Today's Comment Question: What part of your body would you like to make smaller (or bigger) and by how much?
I'd like to make whole body smaller, by quite a bit. Um, maybe I'll leave my boobs alone...just don't talk to them. You won't be meeting them (now or ever!)

Monday, November 03, 2003

Street Smarts???

I talked to Saon briefly today. He told me that the show Street Smarts was filming in New Orleans last week. Saon says he's going to be on the show in February, as one of the people who contestants have to decide knows what he's talking about.

I've seen the show. It's kinda like Jay Leno's "Jaywalking"...I just hope that "Street Smarts" doesn't make Saon look stupid.

He told me that he'd call me, but he didn't.

I just don't know what to think about this anymore.


Sunday, November 02, 2003

Don't know what's up here

But "Blog This!" doesn't work.

I've been writing like a madwoman the last couple of days. I've already neared the 10k mark for NaNoWriMo. Maybe I should slow it down a bit.

I'm at home. The phone got turned back on yesterday, but my computer is oh so slow! It's nearly 6 years old, I really need to think about getting a new(er) one.

Jeff went back to Sea Scouts today, since the marching season is now over. I have to back to Lake Hefner and pick him up in about 20 minutes.

(when there's something to say)

Saturday, November 01, 2003

the friday five (on saturday...sorry)

the friday five for the week ending October 31, 2003:

1. What was your first Halloween costume? I think it was a duck. Funny, my nephew, who's 7 months old, was a duck, too (not the same costume!)

2. What was your best costume and why? I was a black cat about 20 years ago, when I was still reasonably thin. Why? Why not!

3. Did you ever play a trick on someone who didn't give you a treat? My friends and I TP'd someone's house who we thought was mean and grouchy for not giving a 10 year old candy because they thought the kid was "too old to be trick or treating"

4. Do you have any Halloween traditions? (ie: Family pumpkin carving, special dinner before trick or treating, etc.)

5. Share your favorite scary story...real or legend! My boyfriend told me this story about the woman who moved into the house where both his parents died a year apart. My boyfriend went to go visit his old house when he was 17 or 18 years old (about 10 years after he moved from there), and the woman told him that the house was haunted! She said that Jack (my b/f's father) routinely got into bed with her, thinking she was his wife. The woman was unnerved, but also said the ghost was also mean as hell, as he would supposedly lock the doors and windows. Think what you want, after all, this took place in the deep South, so anything is possible!

I think I've posted these before...

But I finally found some lyrics to Fuel's "Falls On Me" that were reproduced correctly. Check out

Falls On Me--Fuel
from the CD "Natural Selection"

I've seen you hangin' round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within
With hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breath

And all of your weight
And all you dream
Falls on me it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
And the light you bring
Falls on me it falls on me

Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe

And all of your weight
All you dream
Falls on me it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
And the light your bring
Falls on me it falls on me

Am I that strong
To carry on
I might save my life
I might save our world
Would you save me

And all of your weight
All you dream
Falls on me it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
And the light you bring
Falls on me it falls on me

(the lyrics in bold type are the correct lyrics)

More in a few--