Monday, December 29, 2003

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I hope you are well...

and that you're happy. That's all I ever wanted for you.

But, I think we have something to what's up with your phone?

next to last MM

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.52

1. So, what did you get for Christmas? Gloves, a funky hat, a CD, a tshirt, "Yoga To Go", and a back massager

2. Are you returning any gifts you were given for Christmas? No, why?

3. For me, the best part of Christmas being over is that there will be no more Fran Drescher "Old Navy" commercials. Ugh, bring back Morgan Fairchild! What is the best part of Christmas being over? That it's over!

4. Used to be, we would always get together with friends and have Margaritas on New Year's Eve (though time has passed and friends drift apart, so not anymore, sadly). My Grandma always makes sure to eat Black Eyed Peas on N.Y.E. I know of another couple who "do it" on NYE, and time it to reach their "peak" right at 12:00 AM! Do you have any traditions each year for New Year's Eve? No, not really. I'll probably do what I did last year...hope that Saon is well and is happy with the choices he's made, because he can't take them back.

5. If you could go back into 2003 and change just one thing, or get a "do over," what would you do? I wouldn't have gone to Louisiana in September...because I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in now.

6. Is there anything you want to accomplish in 2004 that seems within reach? Get a job, somewhere... and move back to New England

7. Is your online personality very different from what it would be like if I were meeting you in "real life?" Not really.

BONUS: What you gonna do when you get out of jail? Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music...

Friday, December 26, 2003

Fri. 5ive

The Friday Five for the week ending December 26, 2003:

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year? Getting thru it somewhat sane

2. What was your biggest disappointment? Not finding permanent employment

3. What do you hope the new year brings? A job. A steady relationship with someone I care for who won't use me for his own agenda, or as a backup girlfriend when his marriage goes splat again.

4. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? If yes, what will they be? Yes. Not to make any resolutions.

5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve? I think I may check out the goings on at the UCO Jazz Lab.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

I need a friggin Christmas miracle...

anyone got one?

Christmas spirit is MIA

I just can't get into the holiday spirit this year. Even the feel good stories of people overcoming adversity at Christmas don't do anything for me.

I've got so much on my mind, and none of it is related to December 25th.

February 9th; June 4th(?); July 10th; July 28th....nope, no 12/25 in the lot.

This is the 2nd year I've been unable to afford presents for my family. I was lucky to be able to get stamps to send my Christmas cards (all 5 of them).

I need a job! I'm getting to the point of taking anything, but I'm not there yet. I wanna go back to New England!

I just don't want to be here anymore. Staying just because my family is here isn't cutting it anymore.

If I don't write in the next couple of days, have a happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/whatever you celebrate...


Monday, December 22, 2003

2 more after this 1

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.51

1. Last night, I had a nightmare that my car had been stolen. I and a female companion were leaving a party and my car, that had been parked in the street, was gone. It was so real, that my pulse was quickening. I panicked, and said to myself "It must be a dream, I have to wake up!" I crouched down on my feet, grabbed my head and with all my might fought to wake up. Finally, I did, and it really was a dream, but my heart was pounding so bad that it took a while to calm down. Have you ever had a dream so real, that inside the dream you had to fight to wake yourself up? Do you remember the dream? I've had many dreams like that lately. They're the scary ones because it affects you physically just as if you were awake. I've heard of people dying because of such dreams, because the mind percieves it as a real occurance.

2. I've mentioned this before, but I really don't believe in the concept of a "soul-mate." Maybe this is because I've never really felt like I have met mine. Once I thought maybe, but she felt someone else was hers. Could be that in another relationship I met her, and for some reason it didn't work out, but then, we wouldn't really have been soul-mates, would we? So, when I hear someone say "I've met my soul-mate" I cringe and roll my eyes and mumble "yeah, right." How would you define the concept of a "soul-mate" is? Do you believe in such things? Have you met your soul-mate? Have I met my soulmate?: I thought I had. I do believe in the concept, and I know now that I haven't met mine yet. To me, a soulmate is someone who understands you better than anyone else, always supports you, and works with you as a partner, not against you as an adversary. The person I thought was my soulmate hasn't met theirs either. Maybe I was not meant to have one.

3. What does it take to make men happy anyway? I wish I knew.

4. What is your favorite piece of electric hardware, and why? I'd have to say my battery powered toothbrush...because I've always had a hard time remembering to take care of that with "regular" toothbrushes, and with this one, it's just so darn much fun, it doesn't feel like such a chore.

5. Yesterday in our adult Sunday School class, a lady was telling us about a woman with car trouble she had stopped to help. Now, the lady who stopped had her own 2 small children in her car. With so much uncertainty out there, I am not so sure I would stop to help a stranger if I had 2 children in my car. Turns out though, that the motorist was a mother who had a 15-month old in the car and was on the way to church. She also had just lost an infant and was having the service the next day, but now would have no way to get there. Eventually she got the lady and her child to her church. It left me wondering how many people I had just driven by that I could have helped. But at the same time, I felt like she was taking too big of a risk stopping to help a stranger when it was just her and her children. Have you ever stopped to help a stranded motorist? Has anyone ever stopped to help you when you were stranded? Isn't there some element of risk involved when helping someone with car trouble, or is it better to just "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you?" I have stopped to help stranded motorists, but only when I am with someone else, because of all the weirdos out there. I have had people stop to help me when I was in that position, and I am grateful that they did. As my "on-again, off-again" boyfriend is fond of saying: "your good works will be rewarded in the Kingdom of Heaven".

6. Just for fun, what is the one present you'd like for Christmas, but you know there is no way you will? Saon

7. What are you thankful for this Christmas [or your current holiday this season]? That I'm alive.

BONUS: Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time. I'll do my best.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

It's Jon's birthday...big whoop

he's 44 going on sad!

Paul hasn't called me yet. Even money says he won't.

Saon is still MIA. I don't know any other way to get in touch with him. I miss him.
I don't know if he's gone to MN or what. His phone's been off since 12/9.

It's week 17 and I'm still not sure.


Friday, December 19, 2003

"Elfis and the Sleigh Riders"

This was the name of the holiday program that Marc was in last night. It was cute. Marc was in the chorus and helped with the posters and programs.

Elfis had lines like "uh huh"...then he actually had to speak, and this kid sounded like he was from New England, instead of Tennessee, where Elvis is from. The songs were cute, and the Sleigh Riders band had three girl backup singers named (I kid you not!) Aretha, Mariah and Celine!

All of this lasted about a half hour, then we all went home.


What does he want that for?

I got an email from Paul yesterday. All of his emails to me are one line. This is the entire email I recieved from him:

Hey...hope you are healthy...send me your contact # and i will call...

My reply was a bit longer than that. I told him that I thought I had given him my number (or, rather, Mom's number) when we had that court thing last year. I gave him the number, then had second thoughts about it after I hit the "send" button. I wonder why he wants my number now, and why he wants to call me. Knowing him, it's probably for some self-serving purpose, like his various attempts to make money.

I just don't know what to think. My mind is so addled lately I'm lucky to remember my own name sometimes!

It could just be because he got a Christmas card from me, but just don't know what his motivation is. I know it's not because he misses me and the "fun" we used to have...there has to be something more to this than meets the eye.

But damned if I know what that is!

(miss you Saon)



The Friday Five for the week ending December 19, 2003:

1. List your five favorite beverages. Pepsi, Sierra Mist, water, Kahlua Sombreroes, coffee

2. List your five favorite websites. Yahoo,, my friend JC's website,, newspaper websites in general

3. List your five favorite snack foods. veggies, popcorn, Oreo's, cheese and crackers, M&M's

4. List your five favorite board and/or card games. Monopoly, Cranium, solitaire, Trivial Pursuit, poker

5. List your five favorite computer and/or game system games. I don't play computer or game system games, so I don't have any faves....sorry :(

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Talk to me...


I just want to know he's okay. His phone's been off for over a week. I hope he got the Christmas card.

I hope I make it thru Christmas. How can anyone be depressed this time of year? Nevertheless, I am down in the dumps. Gotta think positive...

Got all this music stuck in my head. Every man I see who has his build looks like him. WTF????

Another disjointed post by yours truly...MorelaterZ--

Tuesday, December 16, 2003


I should follow my own advice.

Three more 2go

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.50

1. What in your life used to be fun, but eventually just became a chore that you didn't enjoy? The last full-time job I had, then they fired me!

2. This weekend, US Troops captured Saddam Hussein and now have him in custody. How did you feel when you heard the news? Did it change your mind about the War in Iraq? Did it change your opinion of President Bush? I thought it was great that they caught the slimy bastard in a hole! This doesn't change my opinion of either the war or of Mr. Bush, because I had no opinion to begin with.

3. Regarding the capture of Saddam, I saw one "man on the street" interview where a man grumbled that "they should have just killed Saddam. I don't know why they bothered taking him alive." What do you think, should US Troops have taken Saddam alive or just killed him when they found him? What would be the pros and cons of either? They found him alive which was good, maybe they can get something out of him, though they haven't been able to so far (yeah, Saddam ole buddy...where the hell is Scott Speicher? And don't tell us you never captured anyone. You killed hundreds of thousands of your own countrymen, why not an American pilot?).

4. What kind of things at Christmas time just scream "tacky" and "White Trash" when you seem them? Decorating for the holiday right after Halloween! I'm not even thinking about Christmas at that point!

5. Suppose you had a dear friend who calls you in tears because her boyfriend had just left her. They'd been together for nearly 5 years, and one day he announces to her that he is leaving because she had gained too much weight. They were in love, or so she thought, and then out of the blue, he bails and blames it on her weight. What would you say to her about this man? That he is superficial and only cares about what his buddies think, and if they think she's too fat, then he'll bail on her. Showing his true colors...he was "in love" with an image, not a person. Being a heavy person, I tell men "what you sees is what you gets", and if they don't like it, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya on the way out!

6. Suppose this same friend of yours still thinks she and her ex have a future. She says that she wants another chance, that if he will make some changes, she will to. She really does love him, and assures you that he loves her, even though he wants to "take a break and see other people, but if we were meant to be together we will be." There is even a hint of marriage in their future if they get back together. What advice would you give her? Oh, Lord, I've heard that one too...If he treats you like this now, what makes you think he won't do it again? Do you really want to marry this guy?

7. Have you ever had to tell a lie to get out of a date or when you were breaking up with someone? What did you tell them and how did they take it? Did they ever find out the truth? I try to be honest with everyone, and sometimes that gets me in trouble. I think that people would rather you lie to them than tell them the truth.

BONUS: Where are you Christmas?
Why haven't you come and gone already?!

Monday, December 15, 2003

Time flies when you're not lookin'

Yesterday was my son, Daniel's, 20th birthday. He chose (again!) to go to Olive Garden for dinner, and we all had a good time. Jeff did his "demented squirrel" voice by singing the Twelve Days of Christmas, and everyone was cracking up. This was way beyond sounding like a one man Alvin and the Chipmunks...the Demented Squirrel was actually funny.

We then went back to Tori and Dean's for cake, and Marc wanted me to spend the night. Then he asked if I was coming over for Christmas, and I told him that I was pretty sure I was because I wasn't going anywhere.

Dean took us home, and let Jeff drive the "Yuke". Jeff drives quite well. Maybe he'll get his license now? Hmmmm...

I'm too young to have a 20 year old son...but that's what happens when you have kids at 19...
(am I really going to be 40 in less than two months???)

(Saon I miss you)

Sunday, December 14, 2003

One year ago...

when I was preparing to come here to Oklahoma, there was the tragic news that four little boys had fallen into the Merrimack River in Lawrence, Massachusetts and died. It seems impossible that it was only a year ago, but it has. I know it's probably been a very difficult year for the families of these boys, and indeed for the entire city of Lawrence. I read in the Eagle-Tribune recently, that a fence has been erected at the river's edge to keep this tragedy from happening again. I remember that just before I left, a lot of the banks in the area were collecting money for the victims' families for funeral expenses, and I donated $20. I'd want someone to do that for me if it were my family who'd just lost a child and I couldn't afford to bury them.

I think I will always remember this, because of the day it fell on, December 14th. My oldest son, Daniel, is twenty years old today...


We Belong

If I could tell Saon one thing about our relationship, I think the lyrics to this song would do it. I heard it for the first time in a long while last night while watching CrossRoads on CMT. Pat Benetar was performing with Martina McBride, and they sang this song.

We Belong

Pat Benetar

Many times I've tried to tell you, many times I've cried alone
Always I'm surprised how well you cut my feelings to the bone
Don't wanna leave you really, I've invested too much time
To give you up that easy, to the doubts that complicate your mind

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Maybe it's a sign of weakness, when I don't know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn't know what to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit, do we distort the facts
Now there's no looking forward, now there's no turning back, when you say

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Close your eyes and try to sleep now, close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best to try and wash the palette clean
We can't begin to know it, how much we really care
I hear your voice inside me, I see your face everywhere, still you say

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

***News Flash***

As you may have heard: WE CAUGHT SADDAM!!! Apparently it happened sometime yesterday, and we found him in a hidey-hole in some farm in Tikrit. He's alive, but seemed confused and bewildered.

Now let's put the bastard on trial and execute his meglomaniac ass!

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Funny thing happened with the snow...

on the way to New England. It made a pit stop here first!

We got 5 inches of snow last night! Jeff's concert was postponed and his ACT test was cancelled. It's all very pretty, but this is Oklahoma, not Lawrence, Mass.! I want to go back to New England in the worst way!

Still nothing from Saon. His phone is still shut off as of yesterday. I think he was supposed to buy his bus ticket to MN this week. I just hope the bitch doesn't change her mind, because, for one thing, an advanced purchase ticket on Greyhound is non-refundable. This l learned from experience...fortunately, not the hard way.

I need to find a job. This is getting ridiculous!


Friday, December 12, 2003

And as Ebenezer the Boy...

my son Scott!

I went to Oakdale last night to see Scott in the 7th and 8th grade play, A Christmas Carol. It was very good, even though Scott's part was only about three lines.

I also met Marc's friend, Mark, last night. He's a nice young man. Amalia flirted with him the whole time the play was going on. Tori and I couldn't stop cracking up about it.

Scott is growing up fast. I noticed when I hugged him that he needed to use deodorant! He's only 12! He's got some "peach fuzz" and his shoulders seemed to have gotten broader, too.

*sigh*...soon, all my sons will be grown...what's a mother to do?



The Friday Five for the week ending December 12, 2003:

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays? I never used to, but since I've lived in Massachusetts, I've come to love it. I miss it now that I'm living elsewhere.

2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect? I'm still searching for the perfect holiday celebration. There is one person I want to bring some holiday joy to, but this person is resistant to good deeds during this time of year. They never had the Christmases that you and I take for granted, so they are a bit Scrooge-like.

3. Do you do have any holiday traditions? Just to spend time with those I care for.

4. Do you do anything to help the needy? A couple of years ago, I brought presents for children who would otherwise not get much for Christmas, but haven't done anything yet this year.

5. What one gift would you like for yourself? A certain Cajun I fell head over heels in love with about a year and a half ago. He is the one gift I'd like this year and every year.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Um, okay whatever...

Saon's phone has been cut off because he didn't pay the bill, I guess. I think he gets paid today, so maybe he'll pay what he owes.

Maybe I should just quietly exit Saon's life. It doesn't appear that there is any room for me in it at the present time. I didn't want to end it this way. I wanted a chance with him, but apparently, he doesn't want to give me said chance. I should leave him with Michele and the Westbank tramps, since that's what he thinks he's worthy of.

I can't, though. Something keeps nagging at me. But, I just can't let him have an opportunity to hurt me again. I'm so confused.


Wednesday, December 10, 2003

There's No Room...

I talk to you and you don't seem to be interested
As you once were in my life
You asked about how I was, what I was up to
Now, I feel you just don't care
You've decided, yet again, to give your past another chance
And I wonder what you didn't learn the last time you did this?
Now there are the women who can't wait to throw themselves at you
How can I compete?
I just don't see where I fit in the grand scheme of things
Right now, I'm sad to say,
That there is no room in your life for me.

Haven't I brought some love to your life?
I care for you with all I possess.
It just doesn't seem to be enough
To change your mind, to give our relationship a chance
You say you don't know what you want, but I can't help but see
That you do know what you want
And it's not a life with me.

Please know that I will always love you
And that I will always care
But in your life, I'm out of sight, out of mind
Because I cannot be there.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003


I still think the last place you'd expect snow is Oklahoma...but it's snowing out as I type this...weird.

Talked to Saon today. He's really down in the dumps. I asked if there was anything I could do to make his holiday a little brighter and he told me that there wasn't really anything I could do.

(Except maybe bear with him until after New Years...)

If Michele tells him that she's decided not to come after all, I think it will kill him. He says he doesn't care if they work things out or not, but I think he does. Maybe he's afraid she'll do just that, tell him she's changed her mind.

I'm here at the library, again, with Jeff while he looks up info on Alexandre Dumas for an assignment for school. He should be done soon, because I'm fallin' asleep here!

Saon, I'm here for you, baby, if you need me.


Monday, December 08, 2003

Only 4 more to go...until the end(?)

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.49

1. Do you have any vacation time from work saved up for the Holidays? Or are you taking any time off or traveling this month? What are your plans? I wish I had a job to take time off from. No travel, sad to say, because I am broke.

2. When do you do most of your blogging? During the day, at work, at home, at night? Right now I do most of my blogging at the library because I don't have internet at home. It's mostly when I can book time on a computer, which is usually between 11am and 1pm.

3. What tends to keep you from blogging more? Or could it be that you blog too much and should do less? I'd blog several times a day if I had internet service at home.

4. Do you like dressing up and/or "role playing?" Um, no...I'm nearly 40 years old. I out grew that ages ago.

5. When choosing a mate, there are some things you can overlook (boob size, hairy backs, beer belly, bad teeth, hair lip, etc.) and some things you just can't (see previous list). What are some of thing things you can live with when picking your partner, and what are the things that are a "must have?" My on again off again boyfriend is not a perfect specimen by any means. He's heavy, he's intimidating, he's rough around the edges...and I love him anyway. There are no "must haves". Just as you can't tell a book by its cover, you can't measure a man by his looks. He may look like a Greek god, and be the meanest, most abusive SOB in the world, whereas someone who isn't physically appealing treats you like a queen. I stopped looking for a so-called "perfect" man years ago. I see how he treats others, how he is with children, how he treats his parents (provided they're still living). That way, I can see what he is really like.

6. My neck and back are in a constant state of tension. In fact, on the rare occasion that someone gives me a neck/back-rub, I am so tense that it hurts when they work out the kinks. I am just more used to being tense than not. I think I need help. Have you ever had a professional massage or ever been to a Chiropractor? I went to a Chiropractor once, about a year ago. He told me things that I already knew. Luckily, it was a freebie, so I didn't waste any money on it.

7. Inspired by the Amazing P3nis Patch.... Does size really matter? Yeah you know exactly what I mean too. Men, what have you been told and what do you know to be true? Girls, what is the real story and is that what you tell the guys? Have you ever been scared of one that was too big? For both: why do you think this debate is still going on? It's not the size that counts, it's how he uses what he has
BONUS: Do they know it's Christmas time at all? Yeah, and he hates Christmas.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

When's it gonna hit you?

Marc had his family party at Golden Corral today. We were supposed to meet Tori and Dean and everyone there at one o'clock, but we got a little behind schedule and were late. All of us then went back to Mom's house for bday cake. I didn't have any because I'd had cake at Golden Corral. I can't resist Red Velvet cake!

Mom has her dental appointment in the morning to get a root canal and other major dental work done. I don't envy her in the least!

Mom also keeps telling me she is so broke, but she had plenty of money in the bank. We'll see how this turns out.

I'm still looking for a job. I can't believe I've been here in OK almost a year and all I can muster up in the job department are a few temp jobs here and there. I applied for two jobs in New Hampshire over the net this past week. I just want to get out of Oklahoma, and if I can't go to New Orleans, then I will go back to the place where I at least have some friends...


Saturday, December 06, 2003

Guess who called me out of the clear blue sky?

Saon, that's who. He was returning a call I made to him last week sometime. He said he was concerned that I sounded so depressed when I left my message. I told him that I was still not feeling well, and if I sounded down, that was probably the reason why.

Anyway, he's still expecting to go up to MN in a couple of weeks to fetch Michele. Sounds like everything is still a go. He's sending her money to get her truck fixed, because they're going to drive it down to LA after Christmas. He sold his truck (the one he bought from his brother, Jack, when I was there), and he's working part time at a bar in the French Quarter on his days off from Belle Chasse.

He asked about the book's title, and I told him the working title of Carnyville and he suggested an alternate title that incorporated the name of the Show we actually worked for. He still wants to read it, and I told him as soon as I finished the first draft, I'd send him a copy.

I asked him if he thought that Michele might have a problem with me sending him stuff, and he told me no, that she can't tell him who his friends are. I said that I was sure that she wasn't hurting for male friends, and Saon said that she does have male friends, and that he doesn't mind that she does. She previously had a problem with Saon having female friends, so I wonder how that's going to work out.

Saon sounded down though. I asked if he still didn't care whether things worked out with Michele or not, and he still doesn't care...if it works, it works. If not, then he can say he honestly tried. Then he blamed his moodiness on the fact that he hates the Christmas season. "I never really had Christmases as a kid, living in foster homes and group homes," he said. I told him that we'd have to do something about that one day. All he said was, "whatever."

My mind is teeming with ideas to make his holidays a little more bearable, and I guess I will try and bring up some of those when I speak to him again.

Christmas is about giving, not getting. It's not about how much money one spends, it's the good feeling of giving something to someone else. I'd rather recieve a card from someone I care for than see them spend money on me. I wish there was something I could do to make Saon's Christmas one to remember, but I guess that is up to Michele, and knowing how materialistic she is, she'll probably just try to buy Saon's affections with things.

Oh, baby. Knowing I still love you isn't enough? Tell me what I can do to make you happy this Christmas.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Happy 10th Birthday, Marc!!

I love you! --Mom

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Still learning after all these years...

JC recommended another book for me to read. He'd been telling me for weeks now that thinking positive, being honest, changing your way of thinking about things are some of the things that has helped him live a more productive, more meaningful life. The book he has recommended is called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The book is only about 150 pages in length, but contains a lot of useful and enlightening information and advice.

The Four Agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love

Don't take anything personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Of course, these are discussed in depth in the book, but these are the baisc tenets.

I have to get back to reading this.


My baby's gonna be 10!!

Tomorrow is Marc's birthday! He's a whole decade old!

He's such a good boy, and he's finally caught up in the height and weight department. He does well in school and is the only one of my four boys who doesn't have A.D.D. Lucky him!

I don't want to dwell on the circumstances that currently have him and Scott being raised by my sister. One day soon, I will take that job back from her.

He wants to be in the band at school, he's finally in boy scouts, and he writes his own books (and they're good, too!).

So, happy 10th to my youngest...!

Daniel's birthday is a week from Sunday (12/14)...he's going to be 20! Hmmm, I remember being 20 once...


Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Snoop Dogg's Okie twin is alive and well...

On Sunday, I wrote this: ...she dresses like some hip hop princess. What a cliche! Is she trying to win him back by being just like him? Doesn't this girl have any individuality at all??? Even if I liked hip hop, I wouldn't dress like a rapper.

It was about Michele's new attitude and new "style" in the way she dresses. Yesterday, when I was at the store, this thin black man come sauntering in and he's wearing camo pants, a olive drab colored sweater, and has his hair in two pony tails in the same fashion as Snoop Dogg...[Stef rolls eyes...]

C'mon now, I realize that this guy thought he looked cool, or fly, or stylin' or whatever, but really, get your own style and don't blatantly rip-off someone famous. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but this is taking it just a little too far! I don't care if they dress that way, but don't be so obvious about it.

I like people to have their own individual style. Saon dresses like a rapper, but not one in particular, and that's his style, and I like that. Now Michele is going to imitate that to get him back, to show him that she "gets it"? It's clear to me that she doesn't "get it" if she has to dress like that to get attention, either his or some other guy's...

But, I'm not going to worry myself about that anymore. If that is what he wants, instead of someone who is secure enough in who she is that she doesn't have to imitate anyone else's style, then fine.

He'll figure it out soon enough.


Monday, December 01, 2003

It's Monday and I'm actually on time!

"PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.48"

1. Those paper toilet seat covers in public bathrooms, do you use them? No. They don't really protect you from anything. There are some parts of the country where they aren't even offered in the restrooms

2. What is on your Christmas Wish List for Santa to bring? A job.

3. In the month of November, Brian wrote over 50,000 words on his novel and is nearing completion. What did you accomplish in the month of November? Pretty much the same thing. I wrote 65,000+ words and I have three chapters to go.

4. Have you ever snuck into someplace that you shouldn't have? Tell me about that. Not really, unless the announcer's booth at the Bangor (Maine) State fairgrounds count, but we didn't get caught.

5. Do you recall the first internet meme you participated in? How did you come to find out about it? Do you still participate? Why or why not? I used to hang out in the Trivia rooms on Yahoo when I first got online, but I don't do that anymore. I have a friend who still does though.

6. Do you have any favorite internet or 'streaming' radio programs or music channels you wish were available in your car or on a portable radio? No.

7. Ever been skinny dipping? No. What's the story there? None.

BONUS: What's cooler than being cool? Knowing that you don't have to be cool for people to like you

I should have expected this...

Saon won't talk to me. I've tried to call him, but apparently he doesn't want to talk to me. Fine. If he wants to live his life that way, then I wish him the best. I gave him all I had and it wasn't enough. I gave him all the love I could muster, and it wasn't enough. I treated him like an equal, like he was worth something, like he mattered...and it wasn't enough. I can't go thru this hurt and uncertainty anymore. I have to think about me. No one else is going to. Not my family, my one.

I still love him. That will never change, but I cannot and will not let him have another chance to hurt me. He made his choices, and I wasn't one of them.


Doin' too much thinkin'

and coming to conclusions that I don't want to consider.

I fell asleep during my BritComs last night, but I was still up all night with all this crap on my mind.

I came to this: I have nobody, nobody at all, that gives a damn about what happens to me. Nobody's looking out for me. I give people everything I have to give, be it money, affection, a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear...but I don't get any of that in return when I need it. They just don't want to know about my problems, when I took the time to listen to theirs.

I have to think that someday, my good deeds will be rewarded. But I need help now, not someday.

Someone's gotta have a job for me. God knows I've looked everywhere. If I can work at home, great, but I'll consider almost anything at this point.

I hate this time of year. It just makes my feelings of uselessness even worse. And, no one gives a damn.