"Well, as long as you're not working, Stef..."

WARNING: Rant ahead--

Once again, we had the younger kids here today, while Tori took Daniel out to look for a job. I'm trying to get out and look for work myself, and I have to stop so I can watch my own sons and my niece and nephew (just as a point of refernece, when I separated from my ex, I gave custody of my sons to my mom and my sister. I haven't been able to support myself in the five years since, so I haven't been able to regain custody. Now my oldest sons are nearly adults themselves).

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, because my mom can't watch all those kids without help. And because of that, I can't get out and look for a job for myself. How am I ever going to get on my feet if I can't get a job?

I think that this is why moving to New Orleans to be with Saon is so appealing. As much as I want to be here with my kids, I feel like I'm just being used as a free babysitting service by my sister. I did not move here from New England for that purpose, I came here to get back on my feet and possibly regain custody of my two youngest sons.

I just don't think that this is possible while living here. While I was out today job hunting, Mom calls me on my cell and tells me that Tori is dropping the kids off at the house, and could I come home? So I come home, and I spend the rest of the day until shortly before I started writing this post watching the kids. Then Scott had a baseball game, so everyone went to that while Mom and I watched Joey, Amalia and Marc. Then Scott had a scout meeting, so that delayed everything even futher. At least my sister had the decency to call and tell us.

What if I had other plans tonight? What if I had started a job today? Could my mom have watched the kids alone?

I have certain goals I want to reach, but I am having a difficult time reaching them because I can't find work (I even applied at a local ice cream store, and the manager who interviewed me told me I was over-qualified). I can't get Unemployment here because I've never held a job in Oklahoma. Social Security is taking their sweet time about my Disability claim.

I just don't know what to do. My life is more screwed up now than it was in December when I came here. I swear, if Saon asked me tomorrow to move to N.O. to live with him, I'm not so sure I would say no. I can't be in two places at once. If I stay here, I'll feel trapped. If I go to N.O., I'll be accused of being selfish, of putting my needs ahead of my kids' needs.

I am so damned confused I can't think straight.

Gotta jump...MorelaterZ--