Tuesday, September 30, 2003

From June 25, 2003

It kinds applies to my current situation:

"When one door closes, another opens...

First: I have this to say about Saon...if he couldn't see that I was (possibly) the only person who truly cared for him without judgement, then it is his loss. I just hope and pray that he is happy. That is all I ever wanted for him. He has a lot of issues in his life, that pre-date our relationship, that he needs to address in order for him to be truly happy. I've seen the scared little boy in him too many times, and he needs to come to terms with what I believe is clinical depression. Of course, I am not a doctor, but I've seen in him some of the same things that prompted me to get help for my depression back in 1998.

Saon, if you happen upon this diary, please know that I have your best interests at heart. Please know that I do truly care for you. I'm sorry you felt otherwise."

Whenever I think about this, it makes me smile

The first Saturday I was in Gretna, Saon took me to the Algiers Flea Market. Saon was disappointed that the flea market had gone downhill in the years he'd been away, and several of the merchants agreed when Saon made comments to that effect.

We walked around a lot, and Saon told me that money was tight (because he'd gotten his "West Bank" tattoos the night before), and that if I saw something I liked to let him know. I hadn't seen anything I liked, except for a fleur de lys ring (which on closer inspection wasn't what I thought it was), so I wasn't expecting to find anything.

We were walking by this table that had cell phone faceplates and I was just kinda flipping thru them, not really paying attention to the ones that I knew wouldn't work on my phone, and Saon asked me if I wanted one. I hadn't yet found one I liked (they all had pictures on them, and I didn't want one of those), so the gal who was behind the table helped me find a solid color one I liked. I found a bright blue one, and Saon bought it for me (it was all of five dollars). While the gal was changing the faceplate on my phone, Saon was looking at the other things on the table. He saw several crucifixes and picked one up. At that time, two little African-American boys about 6 or 7 years old walked up to the table. One asked his friend (brother? cousin?) what Saon was holding. Saon turned to them and asked them, "do you know who this is on the cross?"

One of the boys said, "Jesus," in a quiet voice.

"Do you know why Jesus is on the cross?" Saon asked them. The boys just kind of looked at each other and said nothing.

Saon then explained that Jesus was on the cross because, "everything bad you will ever do in your life, Jesus has already paid for by being put to death on the cross."

Someone in the background commented, "he must be a preacher." The boys just said, "oh..."

I had been listening to this exchange, and I felt a smile spread across my face. I thought the way that Saon explained the reasons Jesus died on the cross was very eloquent.

That's the man I fell in love with 14 months ago.

Monday, September 29, 2003

Monday Mission 3.39

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.39

1. US presidential candidate Wes Clark said recently that the American people are "really embarrassed" by the Bush administration, though no source was quoted and no figures were provide. Do you believe this is true? As a US citizen, are you embarrassed by President Bush? (non-US citizens are welcome to chime in with their feelings about Bush as well) I don't think Bush has done as good a job as the people who elected him thought he should. As for Wes Clark, if he can't back it up (his comments about Bush), then he should keep his mouth shut (which reminds me of this: it ain't braggin' motherfucker if you back it up --Kid Rock)

2. Do you have good friends in countries other than your own? Which is the furthest away? How did you meet them? What makes them such a great friend? I've met people from other countries via the internet and consider them friends, but we have never met in person.

3. Two cars on the road right now bug me more than any others. The PT Cruiser and the Hummer. I am just so tired of seeing a PT Cruiser everywhere I look! I thought these were supposed to be special, but they are just everywhere. Even the new VW Beetles weren't this bad. Sure there were a lot of them, but that was nothing compared to the PT's omnipresence. It just bugs, that's all. And the Hummer. I didn't mind so much when they were rare. When Ahhhnold drove his, it was special. Then you'd see one or two here and there. Maybe it is the attitude of the young men driving these monster tanks. They way they love to intimidate other drivers, the smug attitude they have looking down on you (literally). Of course, I am generalizing so if you drive either of these, you know I don't mean you. Are there any models of automobile on the road that irritate you when you see them? Personally, I like the PT Cruisers (though not the new ones with the fake wood panels). Hummers are really too big, too expensive, and guzzle way too much gasoline. People like Ahhhhnold should have them though: he's a big guy and it's a big car. My 17 yr old calls them APC's (armored personnel carriers), and that's exactly what they are. The cars I really hate are the Azteks...they are just plain ugly.

4. When you were in school, did you ride the bus? Do you have any school bus horror stories? What really went on in the back seats anyway? I was fortunate enough to live close to every pubilc school I attended as a kid, so a daily ride on the bus wasn't necessary. Though there was one time a couple got caught having oral sex on a school bus on a field trip in high school, but I wasn't there, so I cannot comment on what punishment, if any, they recieved

5. Last week, I asked what sort of things a man should never say to a woman. Now it is time to turn the tables. There are a few things a woman can say to a man that can totally emasculate him. Such as: "Hold my purse." What sort of things should a woman never say to a man? That the sex they just had was bad, or that her ex b/f, husband, etc was better in bed.

6. Do you have a favorite cartoon Super Hero? Who and why? Not really.

7. Just what does it take to make you happy? When I figure it out, I'll let ya know, k?

BONUS: How can you wait anymore when you're wondering what you're waitin' for? Damned if I know. I have the patience of Job, but even I have my limits. I don't do waiting well.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

I really miss him

but I can't do anything about it. It seems to be out of my hands. He hurt me very deeply, and I don't know if I could ever trust him again. Still, I want to talk to him and get some answers and possibly some closure. However, he's not talking, at least not to me. I don't know why, and maybe I don't care...but I do care, dammit!!

Somewhere deep inside him, I hope he feels bad for what he did to me. He probably doesn't give me any thought.

If he calls, he calls. If not, then I guess I have my answer.

I still care for him. I think I always will. All I know is that I have some changes to make in my life, and I'll bet even money that he does as well. But, only he can make those changes when he's ready to do so.

And when he's ready, I hope he'll give me --us-- another chance.

Always go with your gut...and my gut says wait, don't write him off quite yet. He's a good person, and he needs to realize that he is worthy and deserving of all I've given him in the last 14 months. Has anyone really cared for him and about him, without wanting something in return? Michele, maybe. All I wanted from him is what he's freely given me, his love and his trust. All I've wanted for him was his happiness.

I don't think he's happy now. He thinks he is, but time will tell.

Meanwhile, I gotta get on with it. Keep my mind occupied. Try not to think about him.

That is so hard though. Everything I see, hear, feel, reminds me of that sweet man I met in Bangor 14 months ago. What happened to him?

About 45 minutes ago...

The buses finally rolled into North's student parking lot near the band room. I should go to bed because I have to be at my sister's tomorrow afternoon. Oh. Joy.

Anyway, the marching band made the finals, and came in 11th out of 12 finalists. Apparently, they did better in this competition last year. And, this is S.O.P. for all competitions taking place outside the OKC metro area. The next competition is taking place locally, at UCO (i think), so I may actually go to that one. It's in two weeks (Oct 11th).

But for now, I gotta get to bed. MorelaterZ--

Saturday, September 27, 2003


From the CD Faceless


As I sit here and slowly close my eyes
I take another deep breath
And feel the wind pass through my body
I'm the one in your soul
Reflecting inner light
Protect the ones who hold you
Cradling your inner child

I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes, days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

Tragic visions slowly stole my life
Tore away everything
Cheating me out of my time
I'm the one who loves you
No matter wrong or right
And every day I hold you
I hold you with my inner child

I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes, days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

I need serenity [x2]

Falls on Me

From the CD Natural Selection

"Falls On Me"

You see me hanging round
starting to swear about this black hole of a dark field
and silently within hands touchin skin sharp
breaks my disease and i can breathe

and all of your ways
all you dream falls on me
it falls on me
and your beautiful sky
the light you breathe
falls on me
it falls on me ahha

i feel like a pain
it draws me in again
sqaushes all my worst of me
darkness in my veins
I never could explain
and i wonder if you have ever seen
and still believe

and all of your ways
and all that you dream
falls on me
it falls on me
and your beautiful sky
the light you breathe
falls on me
it falls on me

am I that strong
to carry on
have i changed your life
have i changed my world
could you save me ahhhhha

and all of your ways
all you dream
falls on me
it falls on me
and your beautiful sky
the light you breathe
falls on me
it falls on me

and all of your ways
all your dream falls on me
it falls on me
and your beautiful sky
the light you breathe
falls on me
it falls on me
ahhhhaha yea ahhhah yea

The Ten Commandments...of writing

The gospel according to St. John of Dufresne
(or, from John Dufresne's The Lie That Tells a Truth: A Guide to Writing Fiction

1. Sit your ass in the chair!
2. Thou shalt not bore the reader
3. Remember to keep holy your Writing Time
4. Honor the lives of your characters
5. Thou shalt not be obscure
6. Thou shalt show and not tell
7. Thou shalt steal
8. Thou shalt rewrite and rewrite again. And again.
9. Thou shalt confront the Human Condition
10. Be sure every death in a story means something

Um, okay...


My computer is nocturnal

it only wants to connect for extended periods of time late at night. So, once again, boys and grrls, live from the Edmond branch of the Oklahoma County Metropolitan Library System...

I am taking notes and writing out short synopses of the novel I want to write for NaNoWriMo. I think I have my main characters fleshed out enough that the reader will believe the characters are real and care about what happens to them. I'm just having trouble with the locale of the main part of the action, so I'm debating whether to fake it, or do some quickie research about the place in question and how things are done there.

In other news...Jeff had to go to school this morning for a marching band competition in Owasso, and he will be home very late tonight. I gave him my cell phone with instructions not to answer any calls unless it was me or someone in the family, so if Saon calls (yeah, right!), he's just outta luck today.

I'm going to get a paper today, since Mom only gets it on Wednesdays and Sundays, and see what kind of job listings are lurking there.

Meanwhile, I will try to coax my computer at home to connect to the net long enough to read my email. This is getting absurd!

Then again, my computer is almost 6 years old. Maybe Jeff is right and I should trade it in...but the question remains, who in the hell wants a computer from 1998???


Thursday, September 25, 2003

I guess you CAN get there from here...

Okay! Here's a link to Bill O'Reilly's new book, Who's Looking Out For You? This will take you to the page dedicated to the book. I think you will like what you read, but that's just me. Judge for yourself...if you dare...

heh heh heh...


You'll never guess where this came from (hint: I did not write this)

In an age of nothing, at a time when we stand at the brink of our own destruction, strengthen your belief in yourself, in the future of humanity, in the things of this world, which cannot be easily perceived. Awaken that which lies dormant now in your soul. Re-ignite the flame of your consciousness, and measure the strength of your conviction. Reveal the lie, renounce your hatred. Seek, find, and embrace the truths you are fortunate enough to discover. Cherish them; use them to anchor you in the sea of chaos that is the world we live in. When twilight draws near, when you are pushed to the very limits of your soul, when it seems that all you have left are the dead remnants of the fabric of your life --believe.

(see below)

--From the liner notes of the CD Believe by Disturbed (2002)

Disturbed??? Recent hits include "Remember", "Prayer", and "Liberate"...

Rather insightful prose. Gives one hope, if only you believe in yourself.

Here i am at the Edmond library again. Can't seem to stay online at home long enough to get anything done. I would just like an hour to surf where I don't have to reconnect 4 or 5 times.

My internet connection problems are so bad, that yesterday, I was having an IM with Darlene, and it kept cutting me off. By the time I got back online, she was gone. Since Tuesdays and Wednesdays are her only days off, I might not hear from her again until next week. That sucks.

Found a couple of places in the paper where I just might submit my resume. It's call center stuff, which i know I can do, but I just don't know about sitting for eight hours a day, every day.

To comment on the recent upheaval in my life, I'll just paraphrase something I wrote back in June: that I am possibly the only person who cares for him without an agenda. I'm not his family (and why he's trying to impress some of those people, I have no idea), and I'm not his soon to be ex wife. I only pray that he realizes that I really do care for him and about him. If it's meant to be, then it will be. Right now, all we need is time, and a chance to talk. I have nothing to be ashamed about about who I am. I am secure in who I am. I'm not so sure he can say the same. Perhaps with a little time and thought, he will work thru whatever is eating away at him like a cancer and give his life another chance.

Man, that felt good! Now maybe my stomach will stop hurting, and I'll have something resembling an appetite.


Wednesday, September 24, 2003

JC's wisdom strikes again...

I got an email today from my buddyJC. Things are going great in his life as far as his art and music outlets are concerned. He recently took first place in photography in a local art show, and he is really pschyed! He says his win was like it was meant to be.

Therein lies his wisdom: if you think it, it will happen, for good or ill. Because he thought he would get first place at the art show, those thoughts caused it to happen. There's no maybe about it; if you think good thoughts, good things will happen to you.

So, if I think positive, things in my life will turn around? God, I hope so...I can't get any lower.

[okay, Stef...knock that shit off. JC says think good thoughts...]


Things I should do to get over this...

1. Not call him, because apparently he's trying to avoid me. If he wants to talk to me, he has my numbers.

2. I really should talk about this to someone. I can't keep this inside me for much longer or I will explode. Trust me, it won't be pretty.

3. Get involved with something. NaNoWriMo is a start, but that doesn't start until November. Maybe I should throw myself into the "Carnyville" project with enthusiasm. The book ain't gonna write itself.

4. Look in the paper for job listings. If I'm working, then I'm not thinking about other things other than working.


This is a start, I hope. I'm not beaten unless I allow myself to be. He knows how I feel, and if he's feeling the same, then he'll be in touch. If not, then oh well...

I think I'll go back to the Illinois entries and re-read them. Even though that was a false alarm, I want to see if there is anything there that will help me now.


This is so me right now...*sigh*

from the CD "Fallen"

"Going Under"

now i will tell you what i've done for you
50 thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me
don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Can't wait til November...

November's when NaNoWriMo 2003 takes place.

The premise is simple, write a 50,000 word novel in a month's time. There are no real prizes, just the satisfaction that you participated and attempted to write a novel in 30 days.

Sign ups begin October 1st, and I'm going to give it a go. I have an idea for a novel (NOT "Carnyville", in case you were wondering), and I've even gone so far as to write up an outline. I am so pumped for this!!!

I need to get my mind on other things. I need closure, but that will have to wait until a time not yet determined.

If you're interested in participating in NaNoWriMo, just click on the link at the beginning of this post for the 411.

Now to get on with the rest of my life and stop fantasizing about something that isn't going to happen.


Monday, September 22, 2003

I guess you can't get there from here

If you are one of the lucky folks whose Sunday paper contains PARADE Magazine then you may have read the cover story from yesterday's (Sept 21) issue.

Love him or hate him, this article by Bill O'Reilly makes a lot of sense. It's an excerpt from his new book (to be released tomorrow), Who's Looking Out For You.

I was trying to see if had the article online, but I can't seem to find it. You can listen to an audio selection, however, if you have RealPlayer.

I need to get on the list to borrow the book from the library, so MorelaterZ--

Okay, check this out..

My little birthday count down thingy I have over there on the left states that as of today, there are 140 days until my birthday. That means that there are 100 days left in 2003, because my birthday falls on the 40th day of 2004.

So what have I done with the 265 days that have passed so far this year? Not a whole hell of a lot, apparently. I still have no steady job to speak of, I no longer have Saon as a significant other, I'm still sleeping on my mother's couch, and I haven't succeeded in paying off any of the debts I left behind in Massachusetts.

What have I done? Well, since my time on the internet here at the library is running short, I'll get back to that later. Maybe.


Sunday, September 21, 2003

Changed ISP's, but still having troubles with Blogger

Not everything I have on my page is showing up.

At least I'm online.

What else could go wrong?

Everything. *sigh*

My internet turned on me

so here i am at the public library, trying to get things done.

I talked to Saon this morning, and I woke him up. He didn't really have much to say since he'd been asleep about 3 hours at that point. He said he would call me back, but I'm not holding my breath.

There's something wrong with me in a physical sense. I've barely had an appetite since I've been home, I don't want to do anything but sleep, and when I do sleep, all my dreams are about me and Saon. What is this trying to tell me? I wish I knew.

Tomorrow I have to go looking for a "real" job. Isn't that what temp jobs are, except they're not always permanent? I hate being told what to do. I'm not that stupid (am I?).

Am i being selfish and only thinking about me? There are times I wish I had never come to Oklahoma, and times I wish I had never come back here when i was in Picayune in May. There is nothing here for me, except my kids. And what kind of a mother have I been to them? Their needs are met by someone else who can afford it, and I am just in the way. Maybe I should just steal off into the night and not look back.

Who am I kidding here, I couldn't do that; I don't have it in me. I guess I'm just going to have to grin and bear it. Right now, it seems impossible to get anything done that needs to be done by me.


Saturday, September 20, 2003

And while I've been thinking about all this shit...

I feel like I did about 5 years ago, when I had a mental meltdown at work. That any little thing might set me off any minute and I'll go off on someone who doesn't deserve it.

I haven't been on any depression meds since about January, so I know that I will need some of those at some point. Counselling, definitely. I can't talk about this shit with my family. They already don't understand, and have no desire to understand anything about me.

The events of the last two weeks make my heart heavy with all kinds of emotions that I can't sort out. Five years ago, it was the collapse of my marriage; now, it's again something to do with someone I care for. Why does my wanting to be happy have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much?

I know this: Saon needs to have someone to talk about his issues with. He has issues that stem from childhood that never got resolved. I think that is why he is who he is. Maybe in his mind, he thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy, or to be shown any kindness. I wanted to make him happy, and I did show him kindness, and look where it got me?

MorelaterZ-- (maybe)


I hate my computer!

I've been trying since I got up this morning to get online for more than a few seconds, and I finally succeeded. Let's see how long this lasts.

I got the much dreaded lecture from my family last night for the goings on in Gretna. They're trying to tell me I can't have anything more to do with Saon, but that's a decision I have to make, and I am not ready to make it yet. They want me to get counselling (which was my suggestion), find a permanent job (yeah, right...why do they think I take temp jobs? So I can FIND a permanent position) and help Mom out financially. I've wanted to do that the whole time I've been here, but jobs are not easy to come by, and how do I explain the year I wasn't working? My sister told me that I am NOT going to get disability and SSI in Oklahoma, because it is just too hard to get. If a terminal cancer patient can't get it (to use my sister's example), what makes me think that I am going to get it?

Easy-- go to a state where I CAN get it. Doesn't seem to be too hard to get it in Louisiana, since Saon's roomie got it easily enough.

Mark my words: I am going to Mardi Gras in February, and no one can tell me not to go. I am an adult, and if I want to do something, then dammit, I'm going to do it. Okay, yeah, I'll work, I'll help Mom out, but when I get the funds, I am so out of here. I think I got along better with my sister when I didn't live in Oklahoma. At least I didn't have her constantly bitching at me. And no matter where I live, I can still send Mom some money every payday.

Granted, I did err a bit on all this, but if I had anticipated any of what eventually happened before I went, I would have never gone. Next time I'll know...if there is a next time. It's too soon to tell.


Friday, September 19, 2003

I want to believe...I really, really do...but

I talked to Saon on the phone the other night. He told me that he understood why I got so upset Monday night/Tuesday morning, and didn't blame me for it. I told him I was not proud of the way I acted, but if it were him instead of me, wouldn't he act the same? He said he probably would have.

There hasn't been any more between him and the slut/roommate since then, because she's still hung up on her boyfriend (Darlene pretty much predicted this, as the roomie has pulled this stunt numerous times in the past). Saon said again that he isn't ready for another relationship, with me or anyone else. He'd been in a relationship most of his adult life (with his soon to be ex, Michele), and he needed to take time for himself and get his life straightened out. I told him that he needed to take care of him before he could even consider inviting another person into his life, and he surprised me by actually agreeing.

I really want to believe him, but I don't know if I can right now. I still and always will love and care for him, but I need time to let my heart heal. Saon understands that what he did hurt me deeply, and he feels bad about it. He told me, again, that we will always be friends, and that if are meant to be more than that, then it will be. He pretty much has given me first dibs when he's ready for another relationship.

I can't even consider giving my heart to him again right now. He better be damn sure that a relationship with me (or anyone else) is what he really wants, because I cannot go thru what I've been thru with him in the last 2 weeks again. It nearly killed me this time. Should there even be a "next time"? That is not for me to say at this time.


And now, back after a two week absence, it's

the friday five!!!

For the week ending September 19, 2003

1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why?
I have so many favorites for so many different reasons, but I would have to pick Ed Roland from Collective Soul. Why I like him-- I think mainly because he is an incredible songwriter who puts a lot of himself and his emotions into his work. His work is not overtly political or preachy, yet it makes its point time and time again.

2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why?
Fred Durst. I think he's an arrogant prick. Ditto for Eminem.

3. If your favorite singer wasn't in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person?
I think I would like Ed Roland as a person because unlike most "rock stars", he's actually down to earth and as real as it gets.

4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show?The last concert I attended was to see Alan Jackson at the Tweeter Center in Boston, in June 2002. There were three opening acts, and all of them were great, but Alan was by far the best of the bunch. A consummate performer.

5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music?
I have purchased so many albums/CDs for just one song it's not funny. While I'd like to see free downloading of songs, it's really up to the artist to decide if they want to distribute their music this way. I can understand why bands like Metallica get upset that their music is being downloaded and they are not getting the compensation they deserve. They don't record music so that some kid in L.A. can get it for free by downloading off the net. The music business is just that, a business. The RIAA is trying to protect the artists from those few who get their music for free from the internet, only to resell it to someone else.
When Napster went belly-up, I quit downloading songs. It wasn't worth it and the files just take up space on my hard drive.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

This is pretty interesting...

This article is called "Demystifying Fibromyalgia". It suggests that new research can lead to more effective treatment for those of us who suffer from Fibromyalgia.

That would be nice if new treatments are effective enough to allow me to go back to work without pain. A cure would even be better, because I can't imagine spending the rest of my life struggling with this malady.

I was in a serious flare when I was in New Orleans. Saon doesn't understand FMS and kept suggesting I take things like Tylenol and Aleve to take care of the pain. I know he meant well, but I think if he spoke to a doctor who treated FMS, he might understand my concerns a little better. He is supportive and I am free to call him whenever I need him, even if it's just to reassure me I'm not going crazy.

I'm always encouraged by new findings to treat FMS. Maybe there'll be a cure, or some effective way to manage the pain in my lifetime. We can only hope.


Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Well, I'm back

...and things didn't go according to plan.

To make a long story short, Saon and I have decided to just be friends for right now. He's trying to make a new life for himself, and there's a lot of confusion in his mind about everything. He is a totally different person in Gretna that he was when we were together in New England. I don't know if it's because his family is there, or what, but this new Saon is one I'm not sure I like too much.

He has assured me on several occations that he still cares for me, and that he and I could still get together as a couple, but right now, he can't see himself in a relationship with me or anyone else (though meaningless sex with a slut, while I am still there, is not out of the question...more on that at a later date).

And he's right...he's not ready for a relationship. He still has a lot of growing up and sorting out to do. Personally, I think that he's afraid that a real relationship with me will actually work, and that I care for him as much as I do. He's been used to failure his entire life, and probably wouldn't know how to deal with something that actually came out in his favor.

I'm trying not to be upset, but I'm not succeeding. Saon couldn't wait to get me there, and then went off to do his own thing with various cousins and friends, thinking that would be boring for me. I watched a lot of TV while I was there. I felt abandoned and left out...and I acted accordingly.

None of the things that we had planned to do ever happened, because of a lack of funds. That was pretty much his fault because he just had to get a new tattoo the friday after I arrived, and that set him back quite a bit. So, no French Quarter, no jazz at the House of Blues, no tours of Saon's old stomping grounds, no beignets and cafe au lait.

I did meet quite a few of Saon's relatives, and I think they all liked me (at least Saon said so). Saon's sister Darlene took me to the bus station because Saon wasn't feeling well (and wanted to spend time with the aforementioned slut). Darlene is very nice and we exchanged email addys and phone numbers. She told me that Saon needs to seriously grow up, and that I am probably the best girlfriend he could ever have. That made my day, because I felt like a piece of crap.

I can't write any more about this, because there is so much more I want to say, but I am not ready to discuss it at this point in time. I was supposed to call Saon when I got home (I've been home about 4 hours as of this writing), but I'll call him at work tonight, because the slut and her innocent kids are at the house, and I do NOT want to talk to her. I can't guarantee that I won't say something nasty (although Darlene told me something about her that Saon should know, but wouldn't believe me if I or anyone else told him) to her.

I'm going to lick my wounds and there'll be MorelaterZ...I just don't know when.