Saturday, January 31, 2004


That's where Saon ended up moving to, just so he could keep Blue the $400 dog. I thought the idea was to move closer to the job, not farther away.

Saon called last night before Jeff and I left to go to the ROTC Dining Out. He's working the day shift at Belle Chasse (6am-6pm), the Ice Bitch still doesn't have a job (and I think she prefers it that way. She gives the impression that she expects to be taken care of instead of paying her own way), and he can't give me his new address and phone number because she's home all day long.

So it looks like she hasn't changed much (more mature? I think not) about herself except her location. Supposedly, she didn't mind if Saon had female friends, or if they called him, but that's not the case. She must know about all the women throwing themselves at Saon...and none of those women want to be "friends" with him-- they want to sleep with him!

I just want to be friends with him, and that's what he wants out of our relationship. Fine, but then why did he tell me he loved me last night? Hmmmm...

Tell me what I need to hear, not what you think I want to hear...

And so help me, if he asks if I'm coming to Mardi Gras, I think I will wring his neck! Like I want to be anywhere near the IB? I don't even want to be in the same state with her.

Friday, January 30, 2004

My fortune of the day

You see beauty where others do not.

Um, yeah. I always knew that about myself. It's how I could fall in love with a man who isn't a physical beauty, but deep inside, he is beautiful. When he wants to be.

And I'm just thinking how Saon would gag if he heard me say that about him. It's not about the cover, it's about the contents.

I read an article on (WDSU Channel 6) about a 27 year old man who was killed last night. I hope and I pray it's not Saon. He was off from Belle Chasse last night, and occasionally works in a bar in the Quarter as a bouncer. And, he's 27 (he won't be 28 until July). The man killed last night hasn't been identified yet.

Saon, I pray you are safe...

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

He's done up and disappeared on me again...

He got caught...I haven't heard from him in about a week. I hope he's doing okay and that things with his so-called wife are going well. He'll call me again when he's able to...if not, then I guess I can consider it over between us.

It was a nice ride, but I can't wait for "you never know"

I miss him, but I have to get my life back together. If he wants to be part of it, then he knows how to reach me.


Tuesday, January 27, 2004

You are demonstrative with those you love...

and that's my trouble. *sigh*

So says my "fortune" from

Namaste, part 2

Namaste Means:
"The Great Perfection within me honors the Great Perfection within you".

The Great Perfection is the vast part of ourselves that is truly one with the universe, one with all others; one with all there is. This is true regardless of national origin, culture, race, age, political affiliation, religious or spiritual affiliation, gender, sexual orientation, physical looks, physical condition or whatever.

This is where I got the above info... I'm too embarassed to ask JC what it meant.


Sunday, January 25, 2004


Can't you just say hello like everyone else, JC?

Oh. Joy.

I'm talkin' to the ex...

(This is the ex I divorced 4 yrs ago, not the on again off again b/f that my oldest son refers to as "Mommy's pet Cajun")

Amazingly, Jon remembered to call his mom on her birthday (which was Friday), but he doesn't call his own kids on theirs. Jeff's still pissed that his dad didn't call him last year. Let's face it, I told Jeff last year, your dad's a flake. I literally have to call Jon to remind him to call the boys on their birthdays. I wonder if he'll remember MY birthday in two weeks. I called HIM on HIS birthday...

I remember everyone's birthdays, but no one remembers mine.

OK PEOPLE, LISTEN UP...(especially if you are related to me or are a friend of mine)



It's the big much as I hate to admit it, because I feel like I'm still in my late 20's (and the fact that Saon is in HIS late 20's has nothing whatsoever to do with it). This is a big bday for me...please just send me cards, cash, and viable job offers...(okay, I'm kidding about the cash). Send me to Houston next Sunday to see the Super Bowl. GO PATRIOTS!!! (B-E-A-T, beat Carolina!) A gift cert for would be nice. I love books!


This isn't as exciting as I thought it would be...

volunteering for a presidential candidate, that is. Maybe next week, it'll pick up. There's gotta be more to it than making phone calls.


Saturday, January 24, 2004

He musta got caught...

making direct calls on the comapny phone to me...hmmm.

I'm not gonna worry about it. He made the decision to do so, so if he got in trouble, it's all on him.

So there.


Friday, January 23, 2004

Oh, dear...

Just two weeks shy of my 40th birthday, and this happens...another part of my childhood gone...

Captain Kangaroo died. He was 76 years old.

May he rest in peace...

I Am The Highway-- Audioslave

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel

I am not your rollin' wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

I am not your rollin' wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowin' wind
I am the lightnin'
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

Once again, boyz and grrlz

it's the Friday Five for the week ending January 23, 2004:

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. "I Am the Highway" --Audioslave

2. Mint choclate chips ice cream

3. show? Cold Case on CBS, Sundays 8pm EST

4. ...scent? Cinnamon rolls

5. ...quote? "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."--attributed to Kurt Cobain (1967-1994)

Thursday, January 22, 2004

"Come on baby finish what you started..."

I'm incomplete/ That ain't no way to treat the broken hearted/ C'mon and finish me
(©1988 Van Halen, from the CD "OU812") For future reference...LOL

On the agenda for today:

1. Send in $$ for the ROTC "Dining Out" before Friday (eek! to-friggin-morrow!)
2. Go back and work the phones for the major Presidential candidate
3. Work on finishing the first draft of novel
4. Go to store
5. Whatever else needs to be done today

Didja check out Mr. Bill's website yet? "Oooooh, nooooo!" was the in catchphrase when I was in high school... that and singing "Whip It" by Devo on the way to football games... I gettin' old or what (wait! don't answer that! LOL)


Wednesday, January 21, 2004

You gotta love this!

Doing something I've never done...

I volunteered to work for a major Presidential candidate's campaign. Oklahoma's primary is February 3rd, and the campaign has an office set up downtown near the Bombing Memorial and the new federal building. I'm going down there this afternoon to get some info and maybe start working the phones calling undecided voters and telling them why they should consider voting for this candidate.

I'll post more about which candidate tomorrow. I'll tell you this much: it's NOT Howard Dean.


Tuesday, January 20, 2004

"What does she do all night while you're at work?" I asked...

"She talks to her girlfriend back home in Minnesota." he says.

Yeah, right, I think....sure she is. While he is calling me from work, what's stopping her from contacting an old boyfriend in MN? Hmmmm?

Sunday, January 18, 2004

He called later that same day...

and later that evening, I called him at work, and we talked for about 5 minutes because he had to gas up the boats before it started raining. Said he'd call me back, but hasn't. He has the next three days off, so I probably won't hear from him until Tuesday or Wednesday.

Calling me directly from work is gonna get his ass fired (and the IB will really love that!).

Baby, just tell me what the problem is. I can't promise I can solve it, but I can listen...

Friday, January 16, 2004


He didn't call. So what else is new, hmmm?

Friday 5

for the week ending January 16, 2004

1. What does it say in the signature line of your emails? "I thought of you today"

2. Did you have a senior quote in your high school yearbook? What was it? If you haven't graduated yet, what would you like your quote to be? "I'd like to procrastinate, but..." (Good Lord...I graduated from High School more than 20 years ago...gimme a break!)

3. If you had vanity plates on your car, what would they read? If you already have them, what do they say? BABYDOLL ("Babydoll" is the name I gave my 89 Chevy Beretta)

4. Have you received any gifts with messages engraved upon them? What did the inscription say? No :(

5. What would you like your epitaph to be? She never apologized for who she was.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Baby, it's 3am and I'm sleepin'...

Another middle of the night call from my favorite Cajun. He left a message on my cell phone because I was just too tired to answer. Said he'd call tonight when he got to work.

We'll see.


Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Stef's fortune of the day:

You are open and honest in your philosophy of love.

Yeah, and because of it, I get my heart trampled on time and again.

Wonder what's goin' on that he's not tellin' me...

Saon did call last night and we talked for all of thre minutes. He's calling directly from work, because Belle Chasse's phone number shows up on Caller ID. He wanted to know what was up with me, and I told him that things were going okay (so I lied, it's Saon. Like he thinks of me all that much), but it would take me a while to tell him everything. He said he hadn't found a new place yet; not one that would allow him to have Blue (the $400 dog). The Ice Biatch (IB) is looking for work, and that he was going to take her around today to apply at places.

There's something not right there on the WestBank...can't put my finger on it, but I sense it's not going well between those two. Saon would never admit it, because then I'd be right about the IB...

I was hoping that he'd give his relationship with her another chance, but he's just going thru the motions. He sounds depressed.

He just doesn't want to be alone...but is he still alone even though she is there?

Everyone says I should just give up, or not be so willing to take him back if this blows up in his face again...He knows how I feel about him, I've made no secret of that. He knows where I am if he wants to talk.


Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Saon called...

at 1:30am this morning. He called my cell and I have no minutes left, so I didn't have it on. He asked me to call him at work tonight, unless he calls me first...

I wonder what he wants?


Saon's sister, Darlene, sent me this--


READ CAREFULLY Special people

To the special people in my life. I am sending this to you to
see how many of you actually read your email. Is anyone really
out there? Your response will be interesting!

Here it goes:
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a
lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly
what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to
meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide
you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and
they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or an inconvenient
time, this person will say or do something to bring the
relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they
act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been
answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because
your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you
an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you
something you have never done. They usually give you an
unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But...only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in
all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life. May God hold you in the
palm of His hand and Angels watch over you. Smile and stop here
if you're not into this
final part:

This is to show people you love them and to see how many
people love you!! Don't feel embarrassed cause only you will
get the results.

Stef again: this is nice and something to keep in mind, but that doesn't make it any easier...


Monday, January 12, 2004

Maybe, just maybe...

Things are looking up...keep your fingers crossed...

Happy Birthday, Darlene (it's tomorrow, right?)!!


Sunday, January 11, 2004

I like this (thanks, Darlene!)

When you're lonely, I wish you LOVE.
When you're down, I wish you JOY.
When things get complicated, I wish you FAITH.
When things look empty, I wish you HOPE

Friday, January 09, 2004

"Pass the ham?"

"Nah," Jeffrey told his brother, Daniel; "I failed ham, but I passed potatoes."

Guess you had to be there...ahhh, dinner at my house...everyone's a comedian!


Thursday, January 08, 2004

I've got this new idea running in my head...

My next NaNoWriMo novel...

Check it: It's 1934, it's the middle of the Depression, and the Dust Bowl in Oklahoma. A 16 year old boy named Ed just lost his parents; his mother to influenza, his father to a work accident. Ed's fondest memories of his mother were the stories she told of her Cajun relatives in Louisiana. After his parents' funerals, held just weeks apart, Ed and his dog, a Husky named Mr. Hoover(which he later changes to Harry when he finds out why the dog was called "Mr. Hoover") travel in his father's old pickup to search for his Cajun relations. Therein lies the bulk of the story, which I still have to research to make it sound not only factual, but credible.

This is all Saon's fault. *wink*

Still nothing from him but that one convo on Jan. 4th...I'm not calling him at work again.


Tuesday, January 06, 2004

This just don't seem right...

Forecast for Tue Jan 6

Edmond, OK
Fair 9°F

Gretna, LA
Mostly Cloudy
Severe alert! 40°F

Lawrence, MA
Severe alert! 28°F

Salem, NH
Fair 28°F

You mean to tell me that it is colder in Oklahoma than it is in NH or MA???????

That just don't seem right.

My jaw is so sore...

It feels like I'm holding it in an unnatural position. I feel like crap. I left the library yesterday feeling like I could barely stand up. My jaw was numb for several hours, and when the novocaine wore off, my jaw was sore.

The dentist called me at home last night and asked how I was doing, and I told her that I felt nauseous, jaw was sore, and the damn tooth still hurt. She told me that all that was normal and to keep her informed of my progress. If this doesn't clear itself up by my birthday next month, I think I'll just have her pull it.

Saon didn't call. I didn't expect him to, so I'm not disappointed. Must've been a busy night. And, the Carnival season is starting down there, so I don't know if I will hear from him that much. Calling me on the sly so IB doesn't find out tells me volumes about their so-called "reconcilliation". But, I can't wait for it to fail yet again. I cannot allow him to hurt me again.

I gotta scoot. Amalia and Joey are coming over in a little while, and I have to get stuff at the store.


Monday, January 05, 2004

The Last One *boohoo!*

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 4.0

1. In the last week, what happened that made you feel loved beyond your wildest
[ from MM 1.0]
As of today (1.5.04)...nothing. Had you asked me 18 months ago, the answer would have been very different.

2. What was the last audio CD you paid money for?
[ from MM 1.3]
The Reason by Hoobastank

3. Has someone you know ever told you they had a terminal illness? What was it l
ike for you when you found out. How did that change your relationship with them?
[ from MM 2.45]
Fortunately, I've not had to experience that.

4. Do you have an accent? Are there any phrases or words you say that tip folks
that you aren't from around these parts?
[ from MM 2.38]
I've been told I "talk funny" (when I lived in Georgia and Virginia), and "you ain't from around here, are you?" (when I visited the on again-off again b/f in Louisiana in September.

5. What's the difference between being a Father, and being a Daddy?
[ from MM 3.25]
Any man can father a child. Not every man is a Daddy. Being a daddy means being there for your child(ren), not just sending a check and presents once in a blue moon (My ex is a father, but he ceased being a daddy in my mind years ago when he decided that it was more important to be good to himself than it was to be good to
the children he fathered).

6. What is the most recent thing guilt has motivated you to do?
[ from MM 2.50]
Apologize to the on again-off again b/f for dissing his alleged ex-wife.

7. How do you feel about tips and tipping? Do you feel obligated to tip even if
your service is bad because you know the servers don't get paid much? If you've
ever relied on tips for your income, how do you feel when you don't get any?
[This is a new one, had to throw in at least one more hot topic before I sign off]
I've never worked as a server, but tip is an acronym for "To Insure Promptness", so if they take their time, or provide bad service, I'm not going to tip them. Why reward bad service?

BONUS: Will you still love me for the
rest of my life? Of course! *MWAH*!!!

Root Canal?! I don't think so!

...especially since it's $1000, and it's not my money I'm playin' with!

Just got back from the dentist, and the whole right side of my face is numb. I thought a filling had fallen out, but it looks like I somehow traumatized the very back molar, and a nerve got exposed. Everytime I ate or drank something, it hurt like a mother!

The dentist gave me three options: root canal (not just no, but fuck no!), extraction, or to adjust my bite so that when I bite down, it doesn't hurt as much. I chose to have my bite adjusted because it was the lesser of three evils. It was also the cheapest.

The problem may just fix itself if I leave it alone, because the dentist didn't want to do a root canal or pull it out if it wasn't needed. My tooth isn't cracked as far as she could see.

She also told me that I need my teeth cleaned, which I knew, and I told her that I'd come back for that when I could afford to pay for it myself.

In other news...

Saon called me last night. He and the Ice Bitch have to move from the house on 9th street because Saon's godfather is going to remodel the house and they can't live there while they are doing that. That's why Saon's phone was shut off permanently over the weekend. That's when he found out he had to move out.

He says things are fine there, but he called from work. He said he got the note I sent and not to send anything further to 9th Street, that he'll let me know when he has a new address and phone number.

He asked me to call him back at work about an hour later. I asked if that was okay since he told me not to call him on the job anymore. He told me that as long as I asked for him, that it was okay to call him there. So I called him back about an hour later, and we talked for all of about five minutes, because he had to go on a run (go out to a ship on the river to resupply it with food, water, and other supplies). He's supposed to call me back today sometime, but I'll believe it when he calls. I'm not holding my breath.

Why is he calling me on the sly? Something's not right in "tha N.O." between those two.


Sunday, January 04, 2004

Same sh*t different year

Still looking for work.
Still wanting to get out of here.
Might lose my priviledge to drive because I can't afford to pay back excise taxes.
No Saon (and no idea how he is because his phone's now been shut off permanently).

My life has to get better from here. It has to.

What else could possibly happen to me now?


Saturday, January 03, 2004

I miss you

Please call or get in touch with me somehow. I care.


Friday, January 02, 2004


for the week ending January 2, 2004:

What one thing are you most looking forward to . . .

1. Getting thru it

2. ...over the next week? Continue to search for that ever-elusive job

3. ...this year? Moving out of Oklahoma once and for all

4. ...over the next five years? Being self sufficient (again...I have done it before) and with someone who truly cares for me and my boys

5. ...for the rest of your life? Living long enough to make a difference in the world