Dude...

where's my post????

What if...

I had stayed in Virginia instead of moving to Massachusetts in 1999? Well, one thing, had I done so, and still worked at QVC (yes, the shopping channel.), I would have been there 13 years yesterday. As much as I bitched about it, I really did enjoy working there.

Beats my situation now, doesn't it?

It still just floors me that no matter how tight the budget is at Mom's, she always finds the money to buy cigarettes. She tells me and Jeff that smoking is her "only vice" and that complaining about it won't make her quit. Well, I like to eat, have a telephone, and be gainfully employed, but I don't have those things at the moment (okay, I'm still eating...but the other things...definitely).

And, I'd like to think that Saon is worried that he can't get a hold of me, but he's probably not stressing it too much. I'm probably not even on his thought radar.

I hate being depressed, and having the need to see a doctor for a variety of reasons. I'm almost tempted to go to that clinic in OKC that bases their fees on your income. Since I don't have an income, would it be free? I don't even have the gas in the van to go over there and find out.

Tomorrow's Halloween. I may not update this until Monday, because of the circumstances I find myself in.

I totally hate my life, but I'm the only one who can make it better. I can't wait to blow this popcicle stand!


MorelaterZ--

Shingles?

No, not the kind you have on your roof...I mean the kind that David Letterman had a few months ago that's caused by the chicken pox virus. I think I may have it. I need to get to a doctor. It's driving me mad!

Yesterday was spent throwing up everything I ate. No matter what it was, it came back up soon after it went down, and it doesn't taste as good on the return journey. My mom was freaking out, asking what was wrong. Maybe my stomach just didn't like what I put in it yesterday.

Other than that, my life was pretty boring, with no phone and all.

MorelaterZ--

Now for some fun...

PromoGuy's Monday Mission:

1. Raspil alerted me to a web site that has taken my writings and re-published it without asking my permission (it is a Xanga site and you have to register to comment, so I won't bother linking to it). While I am sure I have been plagiarized before (in fact, I know I have), I never like to see it in action. But there is is, my writing, and even my code, in someone else's blog with not one bit of credit to me. Maybe it was an oversight, so I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt (for now). Have you ever had your work (online of off) used without your permission? What was used and how did you resolve it? I had someone IM me once about 2 years ago asking if he could use one of my poems to turn in as his own in a school project. I told him absolutely not, to which he told me he was going to do it anyway, whether I gave my blessing or not. So I reported him to Yahoo for violating their Terms of Service. He got all his Yahoo accounts deleted.

2. Have you ever copied somebody else's work into your own without requesting permission? Did you feel OK about that? How did things turn out? Just as I don't want someone using my work without my permission, I don't use the work of someone else. If I have to do that, I always give credit to the author.

3. Are there any similarities or differences (in general) to someone using my work without permission or compensation and downloading and sharing music without doing the same? Can you justify one and not the other? I'd say that they would be the same thing. Someone made this comparison to me years ago, and that's why I no longer download music. I'd like to get paid for my creativity and hard work, just like musical artists do.

4. In the US, yesterday most of us had to set our clocks back an hour for DST. Do you have "Daylight Savings Time" where you live? Do you like it? Does your body adjust well to it? I'm in the US, so I had to go thru that. I don't mind it though, but going back to standard time is a shock when it gets dark at 5pm

5. Last week I had to use a blade razor to shave because I misplaced my electric shaver charger. I never shave my whiskers with a blade so I got cut up pretty bad. All is well now, but I won't give up my 'lectric without a fight. Do you shave? At what age did you start? Do you use a blade or an electric? What do you shave (face, chin, legs, ears, etc)? Do you shave in the shower/bath or at the sink? Good Lord! As a female, I shave under my arms. I started doing that when I was about 12. I haven't had to shave my legs in ages, thanks to a birth control drug I took for 2 years. I have no hair on my legs to speak of (at least none that needs to be shaved).

6. What do you think about the religious groups that get so upset when everyone celebrates Halloween? They should get over it.

7. Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, as what? And If you do, email me a photo and I will create a Gallery with everyone who sends one. I'll prolly just wear my sweatshirt that says "This is my costume. Scary, huh?"

BONUS:How can I explain when there are few words I can choose? Don't explain
Today's Comment Question: Are there any bodily fluids or excretions (sweat, blood, vomit, earwax) that you just can not stand to touch you or that just grosses you out? My 17 year old is an earwax factory, and has been since he was a baby. He doesn't always remember to clean it out. Ewwwww!

Well, this is just great (not!)

Mom's phone got shut off. She practically blamed me for it because the part of the bill she didn't pay was the collect calls I made from Louisiana. I was (and still am) royally pissed off, because now if someone wants to hire me, they can't even get me on the phone! If I weren't using the computers at the library, I'd be up that foul smelling estuary without means of propulsion.

I am totally frustrated by my prospects for gainful employment. There was a job fair in downtown OKC yesterday, but I couldn't go because I didn't have the gas to get there, or the money to park in one of the garages...but Mom found money to buy cigarettes!

Then I got a letter from one of the places I'd applied to saying, in effect, that they hired a better candidate, and thanks for my interest. I don't need that, I need a freakin' job!

I gotta get out of Oklahoma. I don't belong here. I'd rather be anywhere else but here. I had this fantasy that I just kept driving til I got somewhere and just started a new life wherever I ended up. Then reality kicked in and I realized that I need money to do that!

I need help. Online job posting boards are a huge joke! What do I have to do, work at 7-11 or something???

If that's what it takes...but I so want to get out of here!

MorelaterZ--

It's Monday morning in my screwed up little world...

and what do I have to show for it?

I need to get to a doctor or someone who can help me kick these depressing thoughts I've had over the last couple of months. Not that I am in any way, shape or form going to hurt myself, far from it...I just don't like the way I feel lately.

I have no prospects for a job. It seems that everyone I've applied to recently has forgotten all about me. Not having my own money is getting to be a drag.

My car is unregistered and uninsured, it doesn't run, and I can't afford to get it fixed. If I could do all that, I would be so out of here.

I don't know where I'd go though. I can't really go to New Orleans if Saon doesn't want me there; I don't want to go to New England simply because Jon wants me to be there. And I feel like I don't really belong here. So there is nowhere for me to go even if I could leave.

So, here I am, trapped like a rat in the Sooner state. And, no one understands why I am so unhappy here.

I've never felt so lost in my life. I'm not even sure at this moment I want to do the NaNo thing beginning on Saturday. Everything seems so out of place, and I have no control over it.

C'mon, Stef...snap out of it!

I have a freakin' headache!

It's Sunday, I remembered to "fall back", and I went to meet my fellow Central OK NaNos at Denny's.

Very interesting gathering. More on that later.

Jeff and the marching band did reasonably well in OBA yesterday. They made finals and came in 11th (out of 12). This is the first year that Jeff's been in it that they've made finals.

Then, I had to hustle Jeff's ROTC uniform down to the school so he could attend the annual ROTC Ball.

Man, talk about a full plate...this was all in one day!

MoretomorrowZ-- when I have a little more time and I'm not jonesin' for Tylenol.

I am so dragged out, all I wanna do is...sleep

I went to The Hartford yesterday to fill out yet another application and take yet another assessment exam to test my skills. I don't think I did too well on that because I'm not feeling especially well, but we'll see.

There was no school yesterday, but I still had to take Jeff there because there were two band practices, 1-4pm and 6-9pm. Today is the big contest, the OBA, and this is equivalent to the state contests for sports. I had to get Jeff back down to the school by 7:30am, and I'm still not awake yet!

As predicted, the weather turned colder and windy, and that doesn't do my cold much in the way of clearing up. I'll have to let the damn thing run its course, but in the meantime, I can act like I feel just fine, instead of completely miserable.

I need a big Saon-type hug...man, I miss him so much!

NaNoWriMo starts next Saturday! I'm getting anxious to start, but still haven't decided on whether to write Carnyville using the research I've already done, or the other idea, The House in Poplarville.

Aw hell, maybe I'll write 50k words wondering who the hell Earl A. Rodkey is...

or not!

I'll wrap it up here and see if the orange cat that hangs outside the library is still there.

MorelaterZ--

Another job info session today...

I have to be at The Hartford's office at 1pm or thereabouts. It's going to be just like the one for Cingular I had last week. And I still haven't heard anything from them as of yet.

I talked to Saon yesterday. He is still having migraines and is staying pretty busy. He had to take care of the backyard situation this week because even though he cut down the overgrown grass back there, the health department came by and cited his landlord for having an unsafe space (it attracted a lot of mosquitoes, and those pesky little critters carry the West Nile Virus, which is quite widespread in Louisiana this year). So, Saon went out and cut the grass down to nothing almost, and maybe that will keep the city off his back.

He told me more about what he's been up to, and that he hasn't been with anyone since I left there in September. He wants to see me, but I can't afford to come down there now. I told him that if I do come down there, that I didn't want to be treated like I was when I was there before, and Saon told me that if I did come down that we could do more things on his days off and talk about me coming there permanently.

I didn't tell him of my suspicions, because I don't even know if there's anything to tell. It would be nice, but really ill-timed, if it did come to pass.

We talked a pretty long time, and he asked me again if I'd been with anyone else besides him. I told him no, I haven't been. Saon seemed pleased when I said that. Then we talked about "personal" things that I won't go into here.

He complained about Kenny again, saying that if the phone gets cut off, then Kenny will just have to find another place to live, because he agreed to pay the phone bill, and Saon pays the rent and the other bills. Saon told me that all Kenny likes to do on his days off is eat, sleep and smoke pot.

And Kenny doesn't like me, that I am sure of. He probably doesn't like the fact that I am also friends with his mother (Darlene), but I really don't care what that man (boy?) thinks.

My time at the library is getting short, and I have other things to do on the computer before then, so I will stop here.

MorelaterZ--

I've got a cold...

this sucks!

All I want to do is sleep, pee, and eat. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone.

I'm still headachey and nauseous when I get up in the morning, but that just might be from having a cold. The other possibility is something I can't even entertain thoughts of at this point.

Dean is letting Jeff borrow his 35mm camera for the rest of the semester, or until Jeff finds his, which ever comes first. Dean is just too good to my kids.

I can't even concentrate at the moment. I know I had so much more to say...

MorelaterZ--
(if I'm up to it, that is)

Still feeling like something Columbus dragged in

(BTW, Columbus is my cat, currently living in Mass. with my ex)

I couldn't even summon the energy to take Jeff to school this morning. I was feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach and my head was throbbing. I hope I'm not coming down with the flu or something. That would really, really suck.

Joey and Amalia are at the house, and will be there most of the day. Tori and Dean have some personal business to take care of this afternoon.

At the moment I have nothing else to say, so I will post my answers to PromoGuy's Monday Mission (and yeah, I know it's late. So sue me!)

===========================

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.42

1. What is the most expensive car repair you'd have to pay for?
Replacing the engine (as I have done it 4 times!)

2. I did some traveling this weekend. Not too far, just about two hours in the car. What is the longest time you've ever spent riding/driving in a car?
I drove from Lawrence, MA to OKC last December. It took about two days and I made it in time for some snow and Christmas

3. Fall seems to be a pretty busy time of year: football, school starting, Halloween, thanksgiving, traveling, family functions. Are the next few weeks going to be busy for you? What do you have going on?
NaNoWriMo in November...Halloween, Thanksgiving, schlepping my 17 year old to school on inclimate days

4. Changing seasons usually also means changing clothing. Do you have a routine to switch clothing around in your closet or dressers? Do you look forward to the chance to wear some different clothes for a change?
Hell yeah! I love to wear sweaters this time of year. Since most of mine are still in Massachusetts, I'll have to get out and buy some

5. Here in Oklahoma, we don't have a lot you can do in the fall except take hayrides and maybe visit a pumpkin patch. What I'd really like to do is go pick apples on an orchard. Have you ever been to pick apples or visit a farm in the fall? Is that something you (would) enjoy?
When we lived in Virginia, I used to take my boys to farms to pick apples, a pumpkin or two, corn, berries, etc. Bring your own containers and whatever nominal fee the farm asks for and knock yourself out!

6. A friend of mine from long ago used to make Apple Butter. It was amazing and I've never been able to find any I liked as well. It is a taste that just says "fall." Are there any tastes or smells that once you've taken them in, you just know fall is really here?
Not really. It's the feeling in the air and the leaves changing that do that for me. Man, I really miss New England right now!

7. Isn't there something you've been meaning to do for a while? You know, that thing? Yeah. So, what's the holdup?
Money!

BONUS: Why are there so many songs about rainbows? Are there, or are you just quoting Rainbow Connection?

Today's Comment Question: Regardless of whether it is possible or it even exists, what would you like to have installed in your car?
A GPS system or an Auto Pilot thingy...so I can drive to New Orleans and not have to worry about getting lost.

I feel like I'm gonna die...

I feel like crap right now. My stomach had been bothering me since the weekend, and this headache is driving me nuts! I even felt nauseous this morning when I got up to take Jeff to school.

I know what you're thinking, and no (as much as I would like that, just not now) I'm not. I'm pretty sure of that.

Jeff somehow misplaced his camera (the 35mm one he uses for his photography class), and Mom and I were tearing the house apart looking for it this morning. Jeff says it's not in his backpack, or his locker, and it's not in the car.

I talked to Saon briefly last night. His phone is messed up again, which is why I couldn't get a hold of him for 4 days. He also had a migraine and frustrated that 1200mg of Tylenol didn't knock it out. He has today and tomorrow off.

He went out on the boat with his cousin David yesterday. They did some fishing near Lafitte and were gone all day. That could be another reason Saon had a migraine. He did say the lights bothered him.

Damn, that man is hard on his phones...maybe if he didn't throw them around so much...LOL He better think twice about getting a cell phone...

Mom needs to use the car, so I better get my ass outta the library and get on home.

MoretomorrowZ--

Yesterday really sucked...

I just didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do is sleep because I had a headache that wouldn't go away no matter how often I took Tylenol (double strength, no less!).

I'm getting discouraged about finding a job. I've answered ads til I'm blue in the face, but no one seems to respond. I'm just short now of doing something illegal to get money. I can't do that though because, knowing me and how naive I am about all things illegal, I'd get caught.

I'm also having doubts about the novel I'm going to write for NaNoWriMo... considering it's based on stories Saon has told me about his growing up, I don't want it to sound like I'm using him just to get ideas for stories, because it's not that way at all. Maybe I should just attempt to write Carnyville and see how that goes. At least Saon knows I'm doing that.

Re: Saon-- Lord I miss that man!

I just ran into Daniel here at the library. He just got out of class.

I gotta find some legit way of getting some funds. This is driving me up the friggin wall!

MoretomorrowZ--

Dammit...I lost my whole last post!

Now, what in the hell did I write about? Oh, yeah...

1. Waiting till the end of the day to write in my blog
2. North's homecoming: they beat Enid 21-0
3. Saon. Again.
4. Ralphie May's website.

Let's just see if the previous post somehow magically reappears, though I kinda doubt it.

MorelaterZ--

The two best teams in baseball are NOT going to the World Series

Boston got beat in the 11th, 6-5.

Pedro should have come out in the 8th, and FOX should never, ever say shit like "only 6 more outs and Boston will be in the Series!" That jinxed them right then! They did it during the Cubs/Marlins games, too. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

I'm so digusted I could spit. I ain't watchin' the World Series. I am, however, going to get a Red Sox ballcap.

Morelaterz--
(maybe)

Check it...it's the Friday 5

for the week ending October 17, 2003

1. Name five things in your refrigerator. Milk, meat, green beans, condiments, and carrots

2. Name five things in your freezer. Ice cream, spaghetti sauce, ice cubes, a pizza, and those things that replace ice in an ice chest.

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink. Comet, Dawn, Cascade, 409, and sponges

4. Name five things around your computer. Notebooks, pens, candy wrappers, pictures of my kids, and a calendar

5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet. (you gotta be kidding...) Toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, shaving cream, and an electric razor

Well, there's not going to be a Cubs/Red Sox World Series

Bummer.

The Cubs lost the 7th game last night, so Florida will be going to the fall classic instead for the National League. The 7th game for the American League (Yankees/Red Sox) will be tonight. GO BOSOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saon seemed to be distracted yesterday when I talked to him on the phone. I don't want to read anymore into this than there actually is, but having these doubts is killing me! I have to keep thinking positive...

North's having their Homecoming parade this afternoon, so Jeff probably won't be home until this evening sometime.

I wish my life were more settled...and I'm working on it, but the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get...

I guess I was right on target when I named this blog "Mi Vida Loca"...because my life is crazy right now!

MorelaterZ--

There is really nothing new here...is there?

Still using the computers at the library. I am really beginning to hate doing that, because I'm used to getting online when I feel like it, but with no internet access at home until the beginning of next month, I'm kinda stuck with this alternative. It beats not getting online at all.

I called Saon yesterday, and he's doing okay. He was waiting for Kenny to come back with his (Saon's) bike so he could ride to the ferry to get to work. We didn't really talk about much except what's been going on in our respective lives. I was waiting for the Boston/Yankees game to come on, and Saon was listening to his new stereo. He complained that Kenny wasn't pulling his weight around the house as far as paying bills and stuff, and threatened to kick him out again, as Saon would rather go it alone than have to wait for Kenny to decide if he does indeed want to take responsibility for his half of the bills.

Saon didn't mention anything else about me coming down sooner than Mardi Gras, but then the subject didn't really come up. I don't think I'm ready to come down sooner than that...because I don't want to get the same treatment I got when I was there before. I didn't say so in previous conversations, but I implied that I would need to see and be assured of being treated decently before I would get on a bus and ride the 20 or so hours to New Orleans. After all, if I am going to be his girlfriend, I should at least expect to be treated like a girlfriend, instead of a friend who happens to be a girl (and there is a difference, believe you me!). His telling people I'm his g/f would even be better, but that is entirely up to him to do on his own, without my interference or implication.

But, again, time will tell. I have to take this one day at a time. If it's meant to be, I'll know soon enough.

MorelaterZ--

About yesterday...

Went to the job "interview"...and it wasn't an interview, but a session to fill out an application and take a 45 minute test to evaluate one's customer service and call center skills. I should know in a week whether I will be called back for an interview.

Across the street from the place where I had been was a supermarket, and I filled out an application there as well. Then, I limped home on gas fumes.

I talked to Saon briefly last night and was supposed to call him this morning, but I got sidetracked and haven't done it yet. He told me that he will try to call me on Thursday when he gets paid and gets a calling card. I'm not holding my breath.

There are so many questions I want to ask him, but I'm sure I should. One them being, "Are you telling people I'm your girlfriend and that you're no longer available?"

I want to believe him. I so want to believe him. I guess time will tell.

Why can't I wait that long though?

MorelaterZ--

I can't believe I didn't mention this...

I have a job interview tomorrow! Wish me luck!

The library will be closed tomorrow (for the holiday, I assume).

MorelaterZ-- on Tuesday (unless I can get to an internet connection tomorrow)

(Man, my life sucks sometimes!)

Talk is good...

and it answers a lot of questions.

I talked to Saon yesterday for about 45 minutes. He's doing pretty good. He sounded like he was over the cold he had and in good spirits.

He told me some things that I wasn't expecting. First he told me he loved me, and that he would like me to come back down for Mardi Gras. Second, he said that when I was there last month, that may have not been the best time for me to be there because he was financially and transportationally challenged. He said he knew I was miserable because of all the time he had to spend away from me, and he felt bad about that. He also felt bad about what happened between him and that girl, because he knew he had hurt me (a fact I made no secret of), and that the girl was not worth losing me over. In fact, he told her that he may have lost his best friend (me) forever because of her. When he made a comment to the effect that he needed to satisfy a "basic need", I told him that there were plenty of girls in Gretna who could do that for him, and he said, "yeah, maybe, but I can wait for you to come back. You're the one that I want." (When he said that, it was pick my jaw up off the floor time).

He also wants to give "us" another chance, a real chance to see if we really do work together, but now isn't the time for that. I agreed, telling him I needed to get my act together by getting a job and helping my mom out with the bills. Honestly, I can't see myself there on a permanent basis until after Jeff graduates next May. Saon wants to have his license and his truck on the road before we make any plans for me to move in with him, so that I could get to and from a job (yeah, like I can see myself driving that behemoth of a truck!).

I asked him if I was still his girl, and he said yes, that I am. He said in so many words that I've been his girl since we met 14 months ago, but that he hasn't always treated me as such.

Still in all, as much as it was good to hear Saon say those things, and take ownership of the situations that made me feel I had to leave, we still have a long way to go. A lot can happen between now and Mardi Gras. It may be good, and it may be bad. Maybe this thinking positive stuff that JC advocates is not such a bad way to go. But again, it's a long road, and I have to take it one step at a time.

MorelaterZ--

Friday 5 on Saturday (my bad!)

1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones? Baseball. I love baseball! (Go BoSox!) I also love NASCAR, but I don't watch that as much as I used to (Dale, Jr. ROCKS!!!)

2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes? Since I love baseball, I pretty much like all the teams, but my faves are the RedSox, Dodgers, Angels, and Cubs (a Chicago/Boston World Series? You betcha!)

3. Are there any sports you hate? Not really. I've been known to watch the X Games

4. Have you ever been to a sports event? I've been to countless baseball games, both major and minor league. In 2000, I went to baseball games in three different cities (Boston, Baltimore and Chicago).

5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play? I played softball when I was in grade school, but I'm not much of a participant anymore. I broke my leg in 1992 playing softball, and haven't played since then

More confuzzled than ever!

I talked to Saon yesterday, and we had a good talk. He was telling me more about his dog, Blue (he's just a puppy; only 7 weeks old), and about working at the carnival last weekend at the Gretna Harvest Festival. He made some serious coin and got himself some stuff for the house and himself.

He chided me for getting so bent out of shape about that girl, and all I told him was that the fact that he did what he did while I was still there and could hear it all hurt me more than anything. That was greeted with silence, then he said, "Um, yeah. I see your point."

Then he asks when I'm coming back down, and I said, "Mardi Gras, I guess. That's the next time I'd prolly have some money."

He didn't say it, but I could tell he was disappointed that it couldn't be sooner. Why should I go down there before Mardi Gras if he's just going to treat me the same way? There are some things that are gonna have to change before I go there again, and one of those is for him to earn my trust back.

I then had to hang up because I had to pick Jeff up from school (it was ROTC uniform day), and Saon said he had to run some errands and get ready for work. Before we hung up he said, "I love you Stef", and I said I loved him too.

Is he saying that because he really means it, or because he thinks it's what I want to hear, or because he feels bad?

I have no idea...and I don't want to ask, because I'm afraid of the answer.

MorelaterZ--

I don't like the way I've been feeling lately...

It seems that a black cloud has descended on my life and won't go away.

I've been in a bad mood all week, I have no patience, I sleep way too much, or I don't sleep at all. I haven't had much of an appetite since I returned from Gretna, and I just don't wanna do anything!

I think I know what is wrong, but there isn't anything I can do right now.

MorelaterZ--

Miss You, Dad

Love, me
(the one you always worried about)

Arnold's in, Davis out, and I'm in a black mood...

Now maybe this recall BS will finally end?

I woke up in a foul mood on Monday, and I'm still in a foul mood. I don't know what it is. Yesterday my sister and Amalia and Joey came over, and my first thought was, I really don't want to spend time with my sister today. But, I sucked it up and got thru it okay (i was nice and auntie-like), but I couldn't wait for them to leave so I could get out of the house.

Today I had to contend with the band director, because Jeff called from school and was told he was "ineligible" to compete with the band this weekend. Turns out that he has a D in math, and that makes him accademically ineligible. I think that Souza (not his real name) was pissed off because Jeff didn't tell him he wasn't going to be at yesterdays afternoon practice.

I told the band director that maybe Jeff didn't tell him (he told the assistant director instead) because Jeff views him as unapproachable, a charge the man vehemantly denied. "I have an open door policy," he says. Yeah, an open door policy for students whose parents can fork over the cash and volunteer time to the program. As for kids like Jeff, well, this guy has been demonizing Jeff the entire time he's been in band (this is his 4th year).

The man just makes me sick with his huge ego. Believe it or not, dude, you are NOT the greatest thing to hit marching bands since John Phillips Souza. So cut the attitude and treat all the kids in your charge the same, regardless whether their parents/guardians have big bucks. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be teaching. Period. And, don't try to be their best bud, okay? No one respects a teacher (or a boss) who is buddy-buddy with those in their charge.

MorelaterZ--

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I heard this poem set to music at the end of tonight's episode of Third Watch on NBC. I had to find the words to the rest of the song. Turns out there are at least two versions. The original is below. Enjoy.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
Mary Frye (1932)

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.40

1. If you were to go on a diet (not that you should, babe, you look marvelous), which of the "fad diets" sounds the most appealing to you? None of them. There's always something lacking in all of them, nutritionally speaking

2. I only ask, because with the holidays coming up, there will be a lot more food in our house than usual. It tempts me. Maybe if I exercise I can loose some now, and eat then and have it all balance out. Do you get much exercise? I walk three times a week when the weather's good

3. When I was walking the other night, I noticed a rent house was being cleaned out by the landlord. Apparently the owners just took the essentials and left a lot of junk in the house. The owner had stacked piles of junk on the lawn for the sanitation collectors. But I noticed several things in that mess that maybe I could use (like a gas powered hedge trimmer). I may still go back some dark evening. Have you ever raided someone's junk pile that was left out for the garbage truck? Or gone dumpster diving? What did you find? Oh hella yes! I found a stereo system and speakers, a microwave oven, and a telephone, all of which worked almost perfectly. I even found a Pyrex roasting pan in the basement of the apartment building where I lived in Massachusetts. There was stuff down there from the previous tenants of my unit, and my landlord let me take whatever I could salvage.

4. Also in that same dumpster was the most awful shade of bright green carpet you've ever seen. Seriously, you wouldn't believe it if I showed you (and I will try to get a photo). Do you have any memories of ugly carpeting in your home or someone else's? I had a gold shag rug in my bedroom as a child. It was hideous!

5. As summer draws to a close, it means fewer outside chores. One I won't miss at all is mowing the lawn! What summertime chores will you be glad to see go away for the winter months? Washing the car. Trimming bushes. Not having to beg 20 year old son to do these chores.

6. Of course, it is hard to mention fall without at least touching on football. Do you have a(ny) favorite football team(s)? Do you and your family root for the same teams to win? I'll root for the pro teams in the area where I am living, but there aren't any pro teams in Oklahoma City. I kinda root for the New England Patriots, the New Orleans Saints (who I admit are pretty bad, but the commercials they have in the New Orleans area are pretty humorous.), and maybe the Washington Redskins. None of the teams I rooted for when I was growing up in California are even there (the Rams went to St. Louis, the Raiders went back to Oakland, and the Chargers just suck. The 49'ers aren't even the same team as in the Joe Montana/Steve Young days)

7. I will be heading to Anaheim next month to stay a few days for a convention. It would be great to meet up with some Bloggers, but I just don't know many out there. If you were to visit California, are there any Bloggers you'd like to meet up with? (And if you are in California, then who would you like to come see you!)
You couldn't get me anywhere near California! But enjoy your stay in Anaheim. I mean that.

BONUS: Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true on the land or on the sea? Both

Today's Comment Question: If you could do so, who would you vote for in the California recall elections? See the post before this one for my comments on that farce

Okay! Enough of the damn California recall BS!

I don't even live in California anymore, and I have to listen to this everytime i turn on the TV! If it's not that, it's about Kobe's troubles (did he or didn't he? He and the accuser are the only ones who know the truth. Everything else is speculation). Give me a break! No wonder I voluntarily gave up TV for three years, with this kind of crap going on!

Took Mom to her doctor's appointment, and everything with her checks out fine, and she has to have a blood test next week. She has to fast for 24 hours (or is it 12) beforehand.

Before the appointment, we went to IHOP for lunch, and the service was incredibly slooooooow! I don't think Mom even left a tip. This made her late for her appointment, but luckily, her doctor's office was only 2 minutes away.

Still nothing from Saon. Oh, well (deep subject...)

I don't feel like being with anyone else today. I'm just in a black mood. I woke up with a killer headache this morning and I haven't wanted to do anything all day. Driving Mom around being the lone exception.

I just want to crawl under my bed and not come out until I feel like it.

MorelaterZ-- if I feel like it

If you don't expect it, you won't be disappointed...

Saon didn't call yesterday. I didn't expect him to. He is working that festival in Gretna this weekend, he has to work at his real job Sunday, he's not feeling well...

Bottom line is, I don't believe anything he tells me anymore. If he calls, he calls; if not, then oh well.

Until I went to Gretna, I had no reason to not believe him when he spoke. He never gave me any reason to. He'd always been honest with me. But he shattered the trust I had in him the second he decided to betray me.

That makes me sad.

I know there are things in his life that need to be dealt with. He needs to deal with them first, then decide if he wants to have someone to share his life.

I should hate the man's guts, but I can't. There are flashes of compassion, of civility, of decency in him that I cannot ignore. He rejects people, and their attempts to treat him decently, before they have a chance to reject him. I never rejected him, never discounted him, and he can't see that!

Is it enough that I care about him? That I see more in him than a quick roll in the sack? That I never wanted anything from him other than that he's already given me?

He has to learn to like himself, and trust in the goodness of people. Not everyone is out to screw him over, not everyone is out to remind him of his failures, not everyone is out to judge him based on his outward appearance.

Saon, give me a chance to show you that you are worthy of all I've given you. You have a special place in my heart, and that I do truly care for and about you.

Once again, boyz and grrlz...

it's the Friday Five for the week ending October 3, 2003

1. What vehicle do you drive? 1989 Chevy Beretta

2. How long have you had it? Since May 1999

3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle? My car is almost 15 years old, i don't think they had cool features as a standard back then...LOL

4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle? That it is not running due to yet another snafu

5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now? An '04 Cadillac Escalade or a '64 1/2 Ford Mustang

I got a phone call last night...

My cell rang about 11:30pm, and I saw on the caller ID that it had a 504 area code. I didn't recognize the phone number, though. When I answered, the caller asked me if I knew Saon. I said I did, then he said he was Saon's cousin, and that Saon asked him to call me because Saon doesn't have long distance service on his home phone. "Which cousin is this?" I asked.

It was David, whose father is Saon's godfather and his landlord. "I'm the good one," David said. (I had met David's brother Daniel the first night I was there after Saon had gone to work, and Daniel was pretty much an obnoxious jerk to me).

So, I called Saon, and he answered. Turns out that the roommate situation with that girl with the unruly kids didn't work out, as Saon stated that he threw them out the day after I left. His nephew, Kenny (or Kani, as he's known to everyone) has moved back in. Saon also got a pedigreed pit bull named "Blue" (me and you and a dog named Blue?).

I told Saon that I had tried to call him on several occasions but was unable to reach him. He told me that the phone he has was causing trouble, and they ended up getting a new one. He's also doing some work on his days off from his regular job to get extra money.

I asked Saon some questions about some info I need for the Carnyville project, and he said he'd see what he could come up with. He also told me that he was going to get a calling card and call me later today or tonight sometime.

I'll believe it when I see it.

So, it looks like things with us are cool for now. I still have a big issue with trusting him and what he says. I'll take it one day at a time, and see what happens.

MorelaterZ--

Maybe this is a sign...

When I took Jeff to school this morning, I stopped by 7-11 to get Mom some coffee. I found a Louisiana state quarter on the floor. I thought, this must be some kind of sign...

But, maybe not.

I tried calling Saon this afternoon, and I got his voicemail. It wasn't his voice doing the greeting though (I think it was his nephew, Kani). I left a message for him to call me, but whether he calls me is entirely up to him.

I need some kind of closure to this chapter in my life, and he is the only one who can give that to me.

I wish I knew what he was thinking, and I wish I could believe him when he tells me nothing is going on between him and his "roommate".

I don't know what to think, or what to feel. I just know that any answers have to some from Saon.

I just wish he'd talk to me.

MorelaterZ--

Bill O'Reilly interview in Time Magazine (Oct 6th issue)

You can read it here.

Now, if my friendly neighborhood public library would just get Who's Looking Out For You in, I could read it. I may end up buying it first...figures.

I'm in!

I am officially signed up for NaNoWriMo 2003!!!

I am so pumped! I can't wait to get started. I need to do some research though. There are just some things I have no first hand knowledge of (and considering what I am looking to find out, it's a good thing I don't have first hand knowledge).

MorelaterZ-- when I can get my computer to cooperate (yes, I'm at the library again...)

Wishful thinking?

I've been thinking about my friend, JC, lately. Of all the people I know in Massachusetts/New Hampshire, he's really the only one that I am still maintaining contact with after nearly a year in Oklahoma. He'e been a great friend to me and has gotten me thru some of my most emotional times when I felt I was at the end of my rope and had no one else to turn to. He has had advice that made perfect sense and I wondered why I didn't think of that.

When we met in June, 2002, the physical attraction was immediate. We couldn't take our eyes off each other, and he couldn't stop telling me how beautiful I was. After two weeks of heavy duty flirting and getting much too close to intimacy than we were both ready for, he decided that we should just be friends, because he was afraid to risk everything he'd worked a lifetime to achieve. At the time, I didn't understand why he allowed this fling to continue if he couldn't commit to it fully. I knew about his live-in girlfriend, but also thought that there was something really wrong with that relationship if he was looking for something with me.



After that, I didn't see him for about 5 months, meanwhile, I'd met Saon and went on the road with the carnival to be with him.

And look where that ended up.

JC and I were supposed to get together before I left for Oklahoma last December, but he had come down with the flu and the meeting never happened. It's been strictly email and snail-mail contact since then.

So why is he on my mind so much lately? I know I have no chance with him, as he is still with his girlfriend, and I have unresolved issues in my relationship with Saon to deal with. Maybe it's just an escapist fantasy...

I just don't know. I need to get some answers about things...

MorelaterZ--