I'm not "Tank's Grrl" anymore

Saon and I spoke this evening. He has found someone in Iliinois. He told me that we will always be friends, but he can't see us as a couple any more.

I should have seen this coming. A lot of what he said contradicts what he has been telling me all week. The new woman was watching all this unfold as we were IM-ing, and I think a lot of what he said was said for her benefit.

He got mad at me because he swears that he told me her name (he didn't). He also denied saying that he told me that he had a "chance to date a blonde...but I chose not to" (probably because she was standing right there watching him type). Still, I am glad he was honest with me about her.

There is a lot of turmoil there right now, and Saon just may need someone who is more available than I am, being in Oklahoma and all. I don't believe any of the stuff about how great she (allegedly) is in the sack.

I may as well just pack it in and chalk it up to experience. I hurt so much right now. I love him so deeply and so completely, and I cannot imagine that he doesn't feel the same anymore. We were supposed to have a life together dammit! Why does all this other shit have to get in the way?

I want him to be happy and if he is happy with her, then so be it. Why didn't he tell me this before now, like when he first Im'd me last week? Why did he lead me to believe that he still loved me? Until tonight, I had no idea he had changed his mind.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I deserve a little happiness? I thought I found it with Saon.

Why does it have to hurt so damn much?

More laterz---(maybe)