I don't know why, but I'm kinda depressed

It concerns me that I've been down in the dumper all weekend. I know I need meds to get through this, but with no money I can't very well do that right now. Still I want to be able to fight these feelings that envelope me on my own instead of relying on SSRI's (selective seritonin reuptake inhibitors, such as Prozac and Zoloft).

I can't put my finger on the cause of it, either. It could be any number of things: a kid headed to college, my failure to find a job, all the guilt I get from my family, unresolved personal issues...I just don't know.

I want to get out of here, because my mother is getting all melodramatic on me about her supposed lack of funds. She tells me one minute that we can't afford gas for the car, but she can always find the money for her god damned cigarettes. I ran out of gas the other day in the middle of Danforth, and it's because she doesn't want to spring for gas. I can't help the fact that gasoline is running around $1.70 a gallon (cheaper than a lot of other places, I know). She seems to think that that van can run on fumes.

I want to get out of here because all I'm doing is draining everyone. I've noticed that when I go out of town (but not since last Sept.) that money seems to last longer, so there's your proof right there. I'm a financial drain on my family, and I do not want that. But if i don't either find work or get Disability soon, I'm pretty much stuck here. My self-esteem is heading for the toilet, and the worst thing is, NOBODY CARES! Nobody but me.

And there's no way in hell I'm going to see my sister's shrink...if I need help, I'll get my own therapist, thank you.

There are things that I hope happen, but I have no idea when or if they will, so I can't count on that.

Maybe I'll call someone this week about all this. This will drive me to drink, and I'm not a drinker. Hell, I can't afford to be...I'm fuckin' broke!

--MorelaterZ--