Live from the library...

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Sorry for the lack of posts, but my home computer is, for all intents and purposes, toast. It could possibly be fixed to the point of retrieving the stuff I have on it that I want to keep. Maybe I need Computer Nerdz!
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I have gotten mostly moved into my apartment. I have a lovely view of I-40 from my front door. The traffic noise doesn't bother me though. Actually, at times it lulls me to sleep. And I'm amazed about how much is close by... like the library for example. Takes me 15 minutes to get here on foot. Couldn't do that in Edmond (believe me, I tried it!).
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I've had an epiphany of sorts since I've been back in Oklahoma... I've decided that I'm no longer going to color my hair. My hair was the one thing I was vain about. So if I go completely grey by 45, then so be it. I can't really afford to be vain about anything. Take life as it comes, warts and all.
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Now that I have access to the internet again, maybe other things will improve. Who knows?

Take life as it comes, warts and all.



That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--

This post has no title, just words and a tune

I got this comment recently that I feel I have to comment on. The commenter didn't leave a name or any way to get a hold of him/her/them.

A couple of posts back, I admit that I was feeling sorry for myself. I'd had this series of nightmares that caused me to take a look at where I am in my life.

The commenter said in their post: You are worthy. You are not alone. You have not failed. However, it might be time to start living your life for Stef and no one else.

I know I am worthy and that I'm not alone. Sometimes, I have to write these things down here to have some kind of release. After all, that's part of the reason I started this blog to begin with. I never expect any comments on anything I write.

I'm not going to give up on a career in radio. So the job in Wyoming didn't work out. It happens. At least I'm not like one of my former classmates and gave up all together. I'm going to stick it out, go back to school to study more, and work at some kind of job (Long John Silvers? *wink*) to make ends meet. I'm going to get a place of my own so I can "live (my) life for Stef and no one else".

And on that point, that's what I've been doing for nearly eight years, since Jon and I decided to divorce. Living my life my way. And yeah, my doing so has pissed a lot of people off. I've been called selfish and immature for it. I don't live my life like anyone else, as I have warned people. Perhaps it takes a certain amount of courage to live my life like no one else, and even more courage for someone to be involved in my life (not counting family, who are involved whether they want to be or not).

The commenter also stated that: Then and only then, will you have true peace of mind, experience joy, and find unequivocal reciprocated love.

Strangely, this sounds like something my friend JC in Massachusetts would say to me. He's into all that new age stuff. Maybe it's him who left the comment? Possibly, but unlikely. Not unless he was Googling me recently and found this blog. Not that it would be a bad thing. Maybe I should shoot off an email and ask him.

Seriously, that is good advice though. Sometimes I get caught up in that trap of worrying about what people think. And we all know that is stupid. Who cares what other people think anyway? It's not like everytime I go somewhere I get in trouble or anything. I'm hardly embarrassing anyone by the way I conduct myself. After all, though I live my life on my terms, I'm not stupid, either. I know when to be serious. I know when it's time to have fun. Sometimes, I even try to combine the two. What a novel concept!

Yes, I am a smart ass. But this post is straight forward and serious. After all, this blog is about me. Warts and all.

Oh, BTW-- if you are the one who left this comment... thank you! Feel free to drop me an email, or leave a comment on any post.



That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--

Nightmare in Edmond

I had the worst, and I mean worst, nightmare last night....

It's like everything I've ever feared came to visit me in this dream. Even things that I haven't had nightmares about in years came to the surface.

I don't know if this is a reality check or what, but some of these things scare the crap out of me while I'm awake if I think about them long enough.

It could because of moving back here, the fear of failing again in my dream profession, the fear that I've disappointed a lot of people because of that failure, the fear that maybe i'm not cut out for it...

But when things that happened more than a decade ago come back to haunt me (how appropriate for Halloween, huh?), and give me the same feelings now as they did then, I wonder if I've really come to terms with those feelings.

I know there is still some anger there, but now instead of being directed inward, it's directed towards the person whose selfishness and self importance got me into this predicament. Someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions in regards to this. And a decade later, I'm still having bad dreams about it. This someone sure isn't, of that I am certain.
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Over on my MySpace page, I filled out a survey that was essentially fluff, but there was one question: "what are you afraid of?" I'm sure the person who put this survey together expected answers like "spiders", "monsters", "dying", etc. My answer was simple. There are things I'm afraid of that I can pretty much work out on my own, but there is one thing that scares me.

I'm afraid of not being worthy of being loved, by someone who loves me for who I am now, not what he wants me to be.
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I had to write all this stuff down. I might delete this post later, I don't know. I do know that I seriously need to calm down.






That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--


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It's all over but the leavin' on a jet plane

or in my case, the GreyhoundBus (bad words! ooooh!).

The apartment passed inpsection this afternoon, so I will be getting back half of September's rent (because I told the property manager that I was moving out on the day I "parted company" with the radio station).

Then after someone else rents the apartment, I'll get my security deposit back. That'll be nice... then I can go out and get an apartment in Midwest City... or a motel room. Just someplace I can have some privacy and do some thinking about my situation. What my next move will be, get a job, get info about going back to school... you know, stuff like that.

I need to have a heart to heart with someone about some things. So keep that datebook open, baby... I'll be a callin' ;)

So, this could be my last post until I get home.

That's kinda sad, considering the reason I came here to begin with. But stuff like that happens. I'll just nurse my bruises (from moving), take stock of some things, and push forward.

What other choice do I have?


That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--