I'm awake...

I let a bad dream wake me up.

There's something I've been concerned about for a few weeks now. That's what the bad dream was about.

I should just go back to bed until the alarm goes off in two hours.

Yeah, riiiiight....

Hope all the dads out there had a great Father's Day.

Father's Day is one of the two days that I really miss my dad. The other one is next month, July 18... that was my dad's birthday.

That's a month from today.

I think I'll go back to bed now.


That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--

There are so many things I should be happy about

...but I'm not.

School's okay, in as that I think I am doing well. It's the worry that I'm not doing as well as I think I am.

My financial aid depends on whether I can maintain a certain GPA. I've never been the greatest student that ever graced a college campus, which is probably why I didn't go to any school until two years ago when I decided to go to broadcasting school. I did well there, but Rose State is a whole other animal. Maybe because I'm older and value the educational opportunities more. It bugs me that some of the younger students (ones who are just out of high school) blow off classes like it's no big deal. Perhaps their parents are paying their way, I don't know.

That doesn't mean that it's okay to squander mom and dad's money. Chances are those kids' parents scrimped and saved for years to send their kid to college. I know it would piss me off to know that my kid is doing that (he's not, because he's more of a scrooge than I ever was).

But, I am paying my own way thru school, with the help of financial aid. I intend to finish what I started back in January when I began classes. I am deadly serious about getting a degree. I've put it off long enough (more than twenty years as a matter of fact).

Blowing off my classes is NOT an option. It's tempting sometimes, then I get over it and pile my crap into the car and drive the mile and a half to school everyday. Once I get there, I'm fine.

It's my academic "past" that worries me. Like I said, I'm not the greatest student in the world. But, I am fairly intelligent, and know I can do well. Just took me a couple of decades to realize that though.

Something still nags at me though. I think I know what it is, and I don't think it has anything to do with school.

It might, I don't know.




That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--

I got up early to finish a class project...

and it took all of about 15 minutes to do. Now I wish I could go back to bed, because I am so not ready for the quiz in my 9:50am class. Yes, I studied for it, but I'm still not ready...

I've had the strangest dreams lately, and the "signs" I see when I'm awake are even more bizarre. They're interconnected to the same source. I hate when things like that happen, because it usually means there's going to be some change in my life, the results of which I may or may not agree with.

Or it could all stem from the fact that my birthday is Friday. To quote Garth Brooks: I'm much too young to feel this damn old.

And the week's only half over, and I still have so much more to do. Quizzes, papers, appointments, stuff I can put on my activities transcript. By Friday, I'll be an exhausted mess.

But I'll be right back in the thick of things by Monday morning, just you watch!


That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--

Nightmare in Edmond

I had the worst, and I mean worst, nightmare last night....

It's like everything I've ever feared came to visit me in this dream. Even things that I haven't had nightmares about in years came to the surface.

I don't know if this is a reality check or what, but some of these things scare the crap out of me while I'm awake if I think about them long enough.

It could because of moving back here, the fear of failing again in my dream profession, the fear that I've disappointed a lot of people because of that failure, the fear that maybe i'm not cut out for it...

But when things that happened more than a decade ago come back to haunt me (how appropriate for Halloween, huh?), and give me the same feelings now as they did then, I wonder if I've really come to terms with those feelings.

I know there is still some anger there, but now instead of being directed inward, it's directed towards the person whose selfishness and self importance got me into this predicament. Someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions in regards to this. And a decade later, I'm still having bad dreams about it. This someone sure isn't, of that I am certain.
===

Over on my MySpace page, I filled out a survey that was essentially fluff, but there was one question: "what are you afraid of?" I'm sure the person who put this survey together expected answers like "spiders", "monsters", "dying", etc. My answer was simple. There are things I'm afraid of that I can pretty much work out on my own, but there is one thing that scares me.

I'm afraid of not being worthy of being loved, by someone who loves me for who I am now, not what he wants me to be.
===

I had to write all this stuff down. I might delete this post later, I don't know. I do know that I seriously need to calm down.






That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--


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