Nightmare in Edmond
I had the worst, and I mean worst, nightmare last night....
It's like everything I've ever feared came to visit me in this dream. Even things that I haven't had nightmares about in years came to the surface.
I don't know if this is a reality check or what, but some of these things scare the crap out of me while I'm awake if I think about them long enough.
It could because of moving back here, the fear of failing again in my dream profession, the fear that I've disappointed a lot of people because of that failure, the fear that maybe i'm not cut out for it...
But when things that happened more than a decade ago come back to haunt me (how appropriate for Halloween, huh?), and give me the same feelings now as they did then, I wonder if I've really come to terms with those feelings.
I know there is still some anger there, but now instead of being directed inward, it's directed towards the person whose selfishness and self importance got me into this predicament. Someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions in regards to this. And a decade later, I'm still having bad dreams about it. This someone sure isn't, of that I am certain.
===
Over on my MySpace page, I filled out a survey that was essentially fluff, but there was one question: "what are you afraid of?" I'm sure the person who put this survey together expected answers like "spiders", "monsters", "dying", etc. My answer was simple. There are things I'm afraid of that I can pretty much work out on my own, but there is one thing that scares me.
I'm afraid of not being worthy of being loved, by someone who loves me for who I am now, not what he wants me to be.
===
I had to write all this stuff down. I might delete this post later, I don't know. I do know that I seriously need to calm down.
That's all from where I sit.
--MorelaterZ--
Technorati Tags: [tagname]
It's like everything I've ever feared came to visit me in this dream. Even things that I haven't had nightmares about in years came to the surface.
I don't know if this is a reality check or what, but some of these things scare the crap out of me while I'm awake if I think about them long enough.
It could because of moving back here, the fear of failing again in my dream profession, the fear that I've disappointed a lot of people because of that failure, the fear that maybe i'm not cut out for it...
But when things that happened more than a decade ago come back to haunt me (how appropriate for Halloween, huh?), and give me the same feelings now as they did then, I wonder if I've really come to terms with those feelings.
I know there is still some anger there, but now instead of being directed inward, it's directed towards the person whose selfishness and self importance got me into this predicament. Someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions in regards to this. And a decade later, I'm still having bad dreams about it. This someone sure isn't, of that I am certain.
===
Over on my MySpace page, I filled out a survey that was essentially fluff, but there was one question: "what are you afraid of?" I'm sure the person who put this survey together expected answers like "spiders", "monsters", "dying", etc. My answer was simple. There are things I'm afraid of that I can pretty much work out on my own, but there is one thing that scares me.
I'm afraid of not being worthy of being loved, by someone who loves me for who I am now, not what he wants me to be.
===
I had to write all this stuff down. I might delete this post later, I don't know. I do know that I seriously need to calm down.
That's all from where I sit.
--MorelaterZ--
Technorati Tags: [tagname]
Labels: fears, nightmares and dreamscapes, taking stock, waiting, Writing
My name is Stef, and I approve this post. Posted @ 9:13 AM
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