My internet turned on me

so here i am at the public library, trying to get things done.

I talked to Saon this morning, and I woke him up. He didn't really have much to say since he'd been asleep about 3 hours at that point. He said he would call me back, but I'm not holding my breath.

There's something wrong with me in a physical sense. I've barely had an appetite since I've been home, I don't want to do anything but sleep, and when I do sleep, all my dreams are about me and Saon. What is this trying to tell me? I wish I knew.

Tomorrow I have to go looking for a "real" job. Isn't that what temp jobs are, except they're not always permanent? I hate being told what to do. I'm not that stupid (am I?).

Am i being selfish and only thinking about me? There are times I wish I had never come to Oklahoma, and times I wish I had never come back here when i was in Picayune in May. There is nothing here for me, except my kids. And what kind of a mother have I been to them? Their needs are met by someone else who can afford it, and I am just in the way. Maybe I should just steal off into the night and not look back.

Who am I kidding here, I couldn't do that; I don't have it in me. I guess I'm just going to have to grin and bear it. Right now, it seems impossible to get anything done that needs to be done by me.

MorelaterZ--