And while I've been thinking about all this shit...

I feel like I did about 5 years ago, when I had a mental meltdown at work. That any little thing might set me off any minute and I'll go off on someone who doesn't deserve it.

I haven't been on any depression meds since about January, so I know that I will need some of those at some point. Counselling, definitely. I can't talk about this shit with my family. They already don't understand, and have no desire to understand anything about me.

The events of the last two weeks make my heart heavy with all kinds of emotions that I can't sort out. Five years ago, it was the collapse of my marriage; now, it's again something to do with someone I care for. Why does my wanting to be happy have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much?

I know this: Saon needs to have someone to talk about his issues with. He has issues that stem from childhood that never got resolved. I think that is why he is who he is. Maybe in his mind, he thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy, or to be shown any kindness. I wanted to make him happy, and I did show him kindness, and look where it got me?

MorelaterZ-- (maybe)