I don't believe he's asking me this!
Saon IM'd me this evening while I was trying to rewrite (for the 3rd time!) my four minutes of news that the guy in Missouri wants from me. Things are going okay in the conversation, then Saon drops this bomb on me:
Saon: stef?
Saon: if i come to okc would you wanna try to do us again?
Me: are you seriously considering it?
Saon: yes
Me: i'm kind of afraid to, to be perfectly honest. I swore I'd never put myself in a situation where I could get hurt again
Saon: so if i come out there to stay you wouldnt want to hook back up?
Me: i'm not saying that.
Saon: ok then what are you saying?
Me: what i'm saying is that i don't want to be hurt again...
Saon: and i am not trying to hurt you am i?
Saon: i was just asking a question
Me: you have hurt me in the past. then there's always the nagging in the back of my mind that if it doesn't work out, you'll go back to michele as you have several times before.
Saon : if i leave again i am not goin back
Me: and you have said that before, too...that if you leave you're not going back.
Saon: well u decide
Me: i want to see where the job search leads me before i say yes or no
First of all, I'm not considering "hooking back up" with him. The only reason he's asking this is because things aren't going well with Michele, and/or he's lonely.
I don't want him coming to Oklahoma even if I do get a job here. It's taken me 2 years to get past all the awful things his selfishness and mean spiritedness did to me. I'm a different person now than I was in 2003, when I last saw him.
I still care a great deal for him, but I just can't do it. I can't, and I won't, put myself through that again. It would be a major step backward for me. My life now is all about looking forward to the future, not wallowing in the past that I cannot change. I don't need a man that badly that I would willingly set myself up for that kind of treatment.
How do I explain that to him without hurting his feelings or having him hate me? I do know this... I won't explain it to him in an IM or on the phone. I have to do it in person. I have to make sure he understands why I feel this way, and how I came to this decision. If it hurts him, I'm sorry. He had a good thing in me, and he ruined it. Maybe he's realizing that now, and wants to make a sincere effort. But, I'm afraid it's a bit too late for that. Two years too late.
And that's all from where I sit.
--MorelaterZ--
Saon: stef?
Saon: if i come to okc would you wanna try to do us again?
Me: are you seriously considering it?
Saon: yes
Me: i'm kind of afraid to, to be perfectly honest. I swore I'd never put myself in a situation where I could get hurt again
Saon: so if i come out there to stay you wouldnt want to hook back up?
Me: i'm not saying that.
Saon: ok then what are you saying?
Me: what i'm saying is that i don't want to be hurt again...
Saon: and i am not trying to hurt you am i?
Saon: i was just asking a question
Me: you have hurt me in the past. then there's always the nagging in the back of my mind that if it doesn't work out, you'll go back to michele as you have several times before.
Saon : if i leave again i am not goin back
Me: and you have said that before, too...that if you leave you're not going back.
Saon: well u decide
Me: i want to see where the job search leads me before i say yes or no
First of all, I'm not considering "hooking back up" with him. The only reason he's asking this is because things aren't going well with Michele, and/or he's lonely.
I don't want him coming to Oklahoma even if I do get a job here. It's taken me 2 years to get past all the awful things his selfishness and mean spiritedness did to me. I'm a different person now than I was in 2003, when I last saw him.
I still care a great deal for him, but I just can't do it. I can't, and I won't, put myself through that again. It would be a major step backward for me. My life now is all about looking forward to the future, not wallowing in the past that I cannot change. I don't need a man that badly that I would willingly set myself up for that kind of treatment.
How do I explain that to him without hurting his feelings or having him hate me? I do know this... I won't explain it to him in an IM or on the phone. I have to do it in person. I have to make sure he understands why I feel this way, and how I came to this decision. If it hurts him, I'm sorry. He had a good thing in me, and he ruined it. Maybe he's realizing that now, and wants to make a sincere effort. But, I'm afraid it's a bit too late for that. Two years too late.
And that's all from where I sit.
--MorelaterZ--
My name is Stef, and I approve this post. Posted @ 2:47 AM
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