Just stuff

For some reason, I am dreading the holiday weekend.

I can't put my finger on it, but something in my head keeps telling me that something significant is going to happen, and that I may or may not like the result.

I'm being ridiculous, I'm sure.

However, Scott and Marc will be home on Sunday, and no doubt someone has plans for the long holiday weekend. There's so much going on in the area, how could there be nothing to do?

I got a "report card" at school the other night. I got an "A" on every section covering weeks 1 thru 15. When I told Mom this morning, she didn't seem all that impressed. She said something to the effect of that she knew I always had it in me, and why did I wait until I was in my 40's to apply myself?

School was torture for me as a kid. High school especially. I was never a popular person, and the courses weren't especially challenging for me, so I easily got bored. And that's the school's fault, I feel. The popular kids and the troublemakers got all the attention, and I fell thru the cracks. I did everything I could to get the attention of my teachers, but no one was paying attention. My parents, especially my mother, blamed me for not applying myself, and said lovely things like "Why can't you be like your sister?" Well, maybe it's because I was an individual, and not a clone of my younger sister. She liked math and science and chemistry, and I found those things difficult to master. I was more of a creative, free spirited person, and my parents just didn't understand that. Perhaps they wanted me to be what they wanted me to be, and not what I wanted or desired to be. To this day, my mother still doesn't get me. I think Dad did, though. He told me things that I'm sure that he never talked to my mom about. About how he thought I was a gifted writer, how he thought that I was doing the best I could in dealing with my marriage problems, how he worried about me.

Yeah, Dad tried to understand me. Mom still doesn't, and I fear she doesn't want to. And because of that unspoken disapproval, she unknowingly makes my life here more difficult than it has to be. When she has money problems, or is depressed, or is having some crisis, she always tries to blame me. Not everything that goes bad is my fault, and I won't take the blame because she thought she said something to me or Jeff, and we didn't do it. I won't take the blame for something she forgot to do. I will take the blame for the stupid shit I do, but for no one else. I did that for the 16 years I was married to Jon, and I decided that I can't do that anymore.

I've always maintained that I don't like living here in Oklahoma. Since I started going to school, that has changed somewhat. I like the people I've come in contact with at school, and a lot of them I count as friends. I think that the not liking living here was more from being depressed about my FMS and RA than anything. And while I am still frustrated by my medical problems, getting out and doing something has done wonders for my self-esteem. I'm a happier person now, and I'm going to be okay. I have a future now, a goal to reach and obtain.

And I'm going to do it!


That's all from where i sit.

--MorelaterZ--