I don't understand my mother at all sometimes

Yesterday afternoon, I finally got the check from DRS for my transportation costs. After cashing it, I went over to WalMart to have the oil changed. They told me it would take about two hours. Fine. I go back 90 minutes later, and they've cancelled the service, because their policy doesn't allow them to do oil changes on vehicles that have no oil pressure. The van was so low on oil that WalMart didn't want to take responsibilty in case the engine seized or something. They suggested I take the van to the place across the street, which I did. After looking and listening to the engine for a bit, they told me that the engine isn't going to seize up, but it could if I don't keep oil in it. They'll also do top offs if the oil's level is low for free. Only thing is, is that it cost me three times what I was planning to pay at WalMart (because they flushed out all the gunk too). I told them to go ahead and do it. Isn't that what this money is for?

It aint going to last long at this rate.

When I told Mom what it cost, she didnt' seem surprised. As long as she's not paying for it, she doesn't care, apparently. When I asked if she would reimburse me for half, because it is her van, after all, she said, "Why? I don't drive it." I said, well it is your car, and regardless whether you drive it or not, you still have to keep it maintained. She said nothing to that, but she's not going to reimburse me for half the cost. If she'd just come up with the $20 it took to keep it maintained, we might not be in this mess. She even asked me why I didn't ask the boys to put oil in it occasionally. Thing is, I did ask them, but they were always too busy.

As long as she's not paying for gas, oil, or anything else regarding the van, she just doesn't give a shit. She'll care when the engine seizes or breaks down and I can't run her errands for her any more, and there will be two inoperable cars in her garage. And she's certainly not going to care if I can't finish school because I have no transportation, and have to pay all that money back to the state. She hasn't been supportive of my going to school from day one.

But she always finds money for cigarettes.

I don't have the energy to argue with her, because she's convinced that everything I do is wrong, everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie, and that my every action is suspect. These are the reasons I think I was so hot to marry Jon when I was nineteen, because she's always been like this. I'm a disappointment to her and she tells me in subtle ways every day.

The minute I get enough money together, I am going to move out. I can't live like this, being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life. For the first time since I've been here, I've been happy, and she can't stand to see me happy. She wants to see me fail so she can say "I told you so." So she'll have someone around her who is as miserable as she is.

It's not going to happen. I'm not going to allow her to pull me down. I've been to the edge of the abyss, thank you, and I have no desire to go there again. Saon tried to pull me down there, so I'll be damned if I allow my own mother to do it.

Yes, my mother took me in when I had nowhere else to go, and I'm thankful for that. But, I feel that she thinks I've worn out my welcome, so the sooner I get out of her hair, the better off everyone will be. I just want her to be more supportive of my efforts to better myself, but I fear that isn't going to happen.

I can't seem to please anyone, so I'm just going to please myself. I have a plan for my future, and if no one will support me in my endevors, then it's up to me.


And that's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--