An ousider looking in

Over on nola.com, I was reading this article about artist Walter Anderson. He was born and raised in New Orleans, left to attend art schools in the east. His family later moved to Mississippi, and he evetually made his way there. He was a troubled soul, as so many creative people seem to be at some point.

That got me to thinking about being an "outsider" or an "insider". Are you from wherever it is you grew up, or are you from somewhere that you feel comfortable and accepted? For example, am I forever an Orange County, California girl, or am I someone who adopted a small Massachusetts community as her home, only leaving when having nowhere else to go?

I do know this: as long as I remain in Oklahoma, I will always be an "outsider". I have no friends here, and I'm not interested in having any ties to this state other than those family members who live here. I didn't feel comfortable doing the same things here that I enjoyed in Massachusetts, because I couldn't seem to get an in. Everyone here knows everyone else, and I was perceived as an outsider, therefore, no one wanted to reach out to me. At least, that's how I see it. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough, but I'm not sure I want to. I don't really want to be here anyway. I wish I had never left Massachusetts...

Because there, I was an "insider". I have lots of friends, I knew how things worked, I was accepted there for who I am and brought into an established group of people who wanted me there.

If at some point, I actually made it back to where I grew up, I'd be an outsider there. There is nothing in Orange County that would entice me to move back there on a permanent basis. My family isn't there anymore, and the only thing I'd do if given the chance to go back there is to visit my father's burial place.

Sixteen months ago, I visited Saon in Gretna, LA, just outside New Orleans on the Westbank. As I have mentioned previously, the trip was a disaster. Saon feels comfortable there, because he has friends and family there. Forget for a minute that all those people could give a rat's ass about what happens to him, all they want is what he can give them. He tries so hard to live down to their expectations (you read that right, live down to their expectations). He's an insider there, and he says that he's never leaving there again for any reason.

I, on the other hand, was an outsider, and everyone there, with a couple of exceptions, made sure I stayed an outsider. Saon was on the fence about my status, but I suspect that his "friends" convinced him I didn't belong there. That's why the trip was a disaster. We've since worked through that and we're still friends (if anything else).

Now that he's there, I don't see where I'd ever have a place in his life. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me, but I don't know how that will ever happen. He's still trying to impress people who don't really care about what happens to him. All they care about is what he can do for them.

I will go back to New England at some point, sooner rather than later. If anyone wants to come with me, fine. If not, fine. I'm going to go back to the place I feel most comfortable. Someday.

Somewhere I feel I belong. Where I can be me.

That's all from where I sit.

--MorelaterZ--