And it has nothing whatsoever to do with the 1998 Plymouth Voyager sitting in my mother's garage.
Someone asked me on Friday what drives me. What makes me seem so different from everyone else?
It's not that I want to "make a statement" or anything like that. I'm getting to the age where making a statement just to shock people is a little passe.
I think it has more to do with being true to myself than to follow some well worn path. I've followed that well worn path and look where it got me: divorced with 4 children, no career, no savings, one post-divorce relationship in the Dewey dumpster; and to others, no prospects for any kind of viable future.
What worked for my can-do-no-wrong younger sister didn't work for me. I have to blaze my own trail, as the quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson states ("Do not go where the path may lead..."). Being pigeonholed into a false sense of domestic bliss with a person who only cares about himself and what's good for him (despite the fact he had a wife and 4 children. We may as well not even exist in Jon's world), it just didn't turn out like I hoped.
God knows I wanted it to work, but when the other person stops trying, then what else is there to do? Therapy and drugs (i.e. Prozac, in my case) only work so long. It delays the eventual outcome.
So, back to the question of what drives me.Passion:
I throw myself into whatever project it is that I'm doing. If I enjoy the work, I give it 110%. Passion also covers me in my personal life. I know I am a very passionate person. I also give 110% there as well. Sometimes, it comes down to if the other person is willing to do the same.Creativity:
I am a writer. I've written poetry, short stories, and even a novel. I've been doing this quite literally since I was old enough to hold a pencil. I've always had a rich imagination, and a natural gift for the written word. While I'm not one to always have a snappy rejoinder handy, I do know how to turn a phrase.
I love creating something from nothing. It starts in my head and somehow gets to the page without a lot of effort. Writing has always come easy to me.Desire:
There are certain things that I want, that I need, that I want to accomplish. The desire to succeed in whatever I'm doing, be it writing a story or starting a new phase in my life, fills me, rules me. I want to be the best at whatever it is I can be. If I'm not, I want to know ways I can improve so I can be the best.Zest for life:
I love living life. I want to explore new things, see new places, meet interesting people. I've rediscovered the zest in the last year, year and a half, and it is stronger now than ever before. I want to "go instead where there is no path and leave a trail".Curiosity:
I've always been innately interested in why things are the way they are; why people act, feel, do they things they do and why it has to be done in that way. Maybe it's the writer in me, I don't know. I just want to see things that others may have overlooked.Honesty:
I don't say things that I don't mean. I believe that if you treat people the way you yourself want to be treated, then that is a plus. I try to do the right thing, but, being human, I don't always succeed. If it's my fault, I will admit it. After all, I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. I'm not saying I don't have faults-- I have plenty of them, believe me!
It's my life, and I want to be free to live it the way I see fit. I know when to be silly, sexy, crazy, unpredictable, etc., and when to be serious. I know when to go after what I want, and when to hold back and assess the situation.
Please don't ridicule my choices, or second guess my decisions. Give me advice when I ask for it, or put in a kind word when I'm feeling down. Keep your word, and be honest. I've been lied to so much, that it takes a lot to win my trust.
These are some of the things that drive me. This list is incomplete. There are some things that affect the way I live my life that I have not mentioned here. They haven't been mentioned to be dishonest, it's just that I can't think of them at the moment.
I may give that well worn path another trod at some point. It may be soon, it may not. Whenever that is, if it is, then I'll know somehow.
Meanwhile, I'm going to live my life.
And that's all from where I sit.