There are times, though they have been few as of late, that I am completely unsure of myself.
You'd think that after 25 years of life where I was either married, in a relationship, or alone, that I'd have some idea about how it worked. I thought I did there for a while, then I met Saon and he turned all that upside down. By the time I realized there would never be a real relationship between us, that he had more personal issues than I was equipped to deal with, I was close to my lowest point on the relationship scale. It took a lot of faith and a lot of soul searching to get to the point where I feel good about myself and my ability to have friends of the other gender that could possibly develope into something more.
But being ready to date? No way! I just couldn't see myself using chat lines, or online personals, or going to nightclubs to meet people. That has never been my scene, ever
The thought of dating scares me. Me, competing for men my age with women half my age? Not in this lifetime, pal! I'd rather be alone than have to go through that!
But now, I'm at that point where if I were to be in a relationship now, I'd want it to mean something. I want to do it right this time. But, I don't think I know how!
My confidence in that area is not as high as my confidence in other things. I've come to realize recently that I expect certain things to go wrong. I expect men to lie to me, for example, or to tell me things they think I want to hear, instead of what I need to hear.
I can trace this back to at least 2002, when Saon and I met. I believe to this day that he loved me at one time, and he may still love me. Only he knows that. But all he had put me through emotionally, both the highs and the lows, drained me. I know he's a good man, and I know he's going to come through all he's been through, especially in the last week and a half, a better person. I've always had faith in him, but he couldn't, or wouldn't, return it in kind. You kinda have to have faith in yourself to do that, I guess.
Still, I can't blame everything on him. I take responsibility for my part in it, too. Maybe I expected too much, I don't know. As I've said he's a good man. To paraphrase Pearl Jam's "Black"
: someday he'll be a star in somebody else's sky. Just not mine, and I know this now.
I have to get past that point of expecting men to treat me badly. I know not all men are like that. I know one now that I'm sure isn't. It's just me...it's an issue I have to deal with. And it scares me.
If you've gotten this far, congratualtions! I know I have a tendency to ramble on about things like this. Thanks for bearing with me on this soul searching expedition.
And that's all from where I sit.