(NOTE: this should have been posted before the last entry, as these events happened first)
Tuesday, 27 May 2003
I'm Back!!! :)
I'm back from a great weekend with Saon! I got on a bus Thursday morning and arrived in Picayune on Friday morning, where Saon and his niece, Jamie, were waiting. We went to the little motel and checked in, then Jamie took Saon back to work while I rested and took a shower.
Saon returned shortly after 4pm, and our weekend together began in earnest. We talked about what we'd been doing during the last 6 months, what we want to accomplish in our relationship now that Saon's marriage is really over.
Saon asked me to move in with him when he got his own apartment in Picayune. I told him that I would like that, but because I want to maintain contact with my family, I asked if I were to get my own place, would he consider coming to Oklahoma. He said he would. He doesn't really like living in Picayune, even though he grew up there. He says that it has changed since he left there when he was a teenager, and that people who knew him when he was younger wouldn't know him now, because he'd been thru so much.
Again, we talked about having a child together, and I told him that I would seriously look into having my tubal reversed. I've also decided to get a part time job, just so I could have some kind of income and some medical benefits.
There was an issue with my return trip. I didn't have enough money for a return bus ticket (I thought I had bought a round trip ticket) and Saon couldn't help me with it. I asked my sister if she could help me and she went ballistic. She called me selfish and immature, and initially told me she couldn't help me. Saon talked to her, and apparently she relented and agreed to pay for a ticket. I had to understand that I could never ask her and Dean for any more monetary help. Also, Saon had to pay them back for the cost of the ticket.
On Monday, I checked out of the motel and Saon dropped me off at the Spur station that the bus stops at about 3 hours before the bus was due to arrive, because he had to go to work. We said our goodbyes and I Love You's, then he was gone.
The bus arrived about 1/2 an hour after Saon left, and I got on it to pick up my ticket in New Orleans. Everything got so messed up that I was wondering if I'd be stranded there. After I called Dean and explained the situation, he called Greyhound back and got everything straightened out. I got on a bus at 2:15pm Monday and I arrived home this morning.
More on the bus trip laterz--
Tuesday, 20 May 2003
He told me yesterday that he would call me today to let me know if I could come this weekend. I just got off the phone with him, and he does have to work this weekend, so I'm not going just yet.
When I talked to him, I could hear in his voice that he wasn't alone. It was just in the way he spoke to me.
I don't know if he wants me to come or not. I want to believe that it's just not a good time right now, but the negatives are all nagging at me.
Saon has always been honest with me, so I have no reason, really, to doubt him. Maybe all it is, is disappointment that I can't go this weekend. I'll just have to deal with this disappointment, in my way. I certainly hope that I've matured since the last time I found myself in love with a man.
I have to feep the faith...
Monday, 19 May 2003
There are some things that Saon neglected to tell me about my trip to Picayune. Such as, his buddy Ray just became a new daddy this past Saturday, that Ray has a real problem with plus size people, and that he has a like-minded 16-year-old son. Also, Saon hasn't been paid yet, and the money from the sale of his car in Hutch is running out.
Right now, the trip is on hold. According to Greyhound's website, I have 14 days in which to use the ticket I bought. Saon will let me know if this weekend is good or not.
Saon is not happy in Picayune, either. It's sounding like he expects things to happen "right now". I cautioned him to give things time and to be patient. I don't want to see Saon do things in haste.
I want to be with him so much. Together, I know we can be unstoppable. But we have things to do on our own before we can be together.
Friday, 16 May 2003
I don't know what to think. Does he want me to come there or not? I wish I could read his mind, but then again, I don't want to know what he is really thinking. Am I pushing too hard? Being too forward? I just want to be with him.
The phone number he gave me is his buddy's cell phone. If I had known that, I would have never called it. He says he's going to call me tonight, but when tonight, I don't know.
I feel so stupid sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't go. He grew up there, and I'd just be a stranger to all the people he knows there. Some of them may have met his ex, and may compare me to her. They will undoubtedly be told that I am older than he is and dismiss me as desperate. I'm scared...but he is all that matters, the only person I'm going there to see. If he wants me there, I'll go.
I don't know why I let all these silly worries get me down. I'm sure everything will be fine. The only thing I worry about is how I'm going to pay for the bus trip home, and what am I going to use for money while I'm there. I hate being broke, and I hate asking people for money.
New worries. I need a miracle right now. I need a miracle, and Saon.
Friday, 16 May, 2003
Four more days!
I can't wait to see my baby again!
Saon has taken a big step in starting a new life. He's workin', savin' and doin'…and he wants me to be a part of it! I'm going to Picayune next week so we can get reacquainted and talk about the future. There's so much we need to talk about. We really want to start our lives together again, and pick up where we left off when he went to Minnesota last November 21st.
I am having some concerns, though. Concerns on my part, though. After everything I've been though with him, I want to be absolutely sure that nothing is going to come between us, as in Saon going back to his old life, or something yet unforeseen. I'm ready to settle down with one person, and I believe that Saon is that one.
Maybe I'm just nervous, but once I get there and see him, I'll be fine. Just a bus ride separates us now.